Speaking Up When a Response is not Required

Much of the time when we speak up for ourselves, the goal is to get something to happen that we want to happen. Sometimes, however, a soft assertion is a valuable way to speak up for yourself.

A soft assertion by definition is taking a stand when you do not require a response. This can be as simple as wearing a t-shirt with a slogan on it such as "Atlanta Braves." The shirt tells the world that you support the Atlanta baseball team. You don't expect people to respond to the shirt, but you are sending a message, all the same.

A soft assertion can be a compliment. When I give a compliment, I am taking a risk. The recipient of the compliment can accept my gift (the compliment) and simply say thank you. Occasionally someone will reject your compliment: "Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years."

Today I was driving home from the N. Georgia mountains with a quarter of a tank of gas. I knew I should fill up my car. There's a gas station between Clarkesville, GA and Cleveland, GA that always has comparatively low gas prices. I haven't stopped there before but decided that I had enough gas to get there before filling up today.

It's Labor Day so there are lots of people on the road. I like to take what I call the "pretty way" home which involves only about 1/3 of the trip on Interstate roads. The rest of the trip is on pretty country roads. I took that today and easily got to the gas station between Clarkesville and Cleveland.

As I pulled into the station , the prices were predictably low for the area ($2.38/gal compared to the usual $2.48 everywhere else). I drove up to the pump to find a white hand-written sign the size of a piece of typing paper taped to the front of the pump. I couldn't read the ball-point pen writing and decided that pump was probably out of gas at those low prices.

I pulled to the second pump which had the same sign taped to it. I stopped, opened my gas tank, and got out of the car. The sign in small handwriting in ball point pen actually said, "Fishing supplies inside."

When I went in to the gas station store to get my receipt, I used a soft assertion with the station manager. "Sir, those signs taped to the pumps are very hard to read. I thought they meant that the pumps were out of gas and almost didn't stop. I couldn't read that they said "Fishing supplies inside" until I got out of the car."

He actually replied, "Well, I don't have any more signs." (not sure what he meant - that he couldn't re-do them or that he didn't have another way to advertise his fishing supplies???)

I said, "Well, since I almost didn't stop and probably I won't be the only confused person today, I thought you'd want to know."

Since a response is not required to a soft assertion - it doesn't make any difference to me whether he changes the signs or not - I smiled, thanked him for the receipt, and went out the door.

Pay Off for Assertiveness at COSTCO

I am a Costco member and one advantage of that membership is to be able to buy gas at lower prices. I was out of town in Maryland this weekend and had a rental car to drive from the Pittsburgh airport where I flew in to my daughter's home in western Maryland.

Driving back to Pittsburgh and getting gas in the rental car before you get to the airport is a challenge. The last 6 miles of the drive go through non-commercial territory with absolutely no obvious gas stations. I pulled off the highway about 8 miles from the airport at a shopping area and looked for a gas station.

The Mall at Robinson is where I exited. There are beautiful shops, eating facilities, and other mall specialties but no gas station. Then I noticed the Costco store. Like our Costco in Atlanta, it sells gas, so I drove down to the gas station area.

I paused just a few yards from the pump and pulled out my wallet. Oh, dear, I had left my Costco card at home in an effort to travel light. I saw a man who obviously worked maintaining the pumps. I drove up and rolled down the window of the rental car.

• "I am a Costco member," I said, "but I'm traveling and I left my Costco card at home in Atlanta."
  
• "No problem," he said, "Drive on up and we'll take care of you."
• "Can you look me up on the system?" I asked.
• "I believe you," he said.
  
• "How are you going to pay for this?" he said as he flashed an all-purpose Costco card under the identifying card reader.
• "Credit card," I said.
• "We only take..."
• "American Express, I know because I am a member and use my Amex card in Costco all the time."
• "Of course," he said, smiled, and helped me finish getting gas for my car.

If I had not been assertive and spoken to him, I would not have gotten to buy gas there and might still be wandering around the Pittsburgh area looking for a gas station!

MARTA Bus in the Way

Today I was on Lenox Road in Atlanta, heading toward Piedmont. I got in the turn lane to turn onto Lindbergh to head for Emory. I teach every summer in the med school where the doctoral students in physical therapy learn interpersonal communications from me. I was in the turn lane with another car and a MARTA bus in front of me. Anyone who lives in Atlanta knows that this is a busy intersection.

The arrow came for turning and the MARTA bus turned left. Usually five or six cars turn left there before the arrow is gone. The car right behind the bus turned as did I. The MARTA bus stopped dead in front of the Chevron station on the corner, leaving me and the car in front of me stuck in the middle of the street, blocking traffic. I guess the bus let someone out, but it seemed to take forever, and then started moving just as the turning arrow turned yellow. I just barely made it through the light.

As I drove behind the car and the bus on Lindbergh, I saw the MARTA bus stop (the real one). It's about a city's block length from the intersection, which would be a safe place for the MARTA bus to stop. If the MARTA bus had stopped at the designated place, all five or six cars could have safely made the turn before waiting behind the stopped bus.

I was so irritated by being stuck in the intersection, in danger of being hit by an oncoming car as well as in danger from potential Atlanta road rage from other drivers because I was blocking the intersection.

I picked up my cell and used Google411 to call MARTA's customer service.

I explained to the customer service agent that the MARTA bus had stopped at a non-bus stop, blocking traffic in the intersection. She asked the route number. I didn't have that because I was behind the bus, but I did have the number on the back of the bus (2964). And I could describe the exact direction the bus was going.

I told her that the incident made me feel very unsafe and that I didn't think it was OK for the bus to stop where there wasn't an official MARTA stop. The bus is so big that to stop immediately upon making the left turn is a guarantee to strand the cars behind it.

I also told her that I am a MARTA fan, take it to the airport every time I fly, and take my grandson on the buses and the trains for fun Friday mornings. I wanted her to know that generally I support MARTA.

I don't know if my being assertive in this instance was of any help. My hope would be that the MARTA driver would be called to task for making an unofficial stop and causing traffic problems. I don't want anyone else to find themselves in my situation this morning.

I also have to report that the MARTA customer service rep called me back about 20 minutes later to make sure she had all of the details right.

That impressed me.

Michelle and Merced: An Assertiveness Triumph

The students of the University of California at Merced wanted to invite Michelle Obama to speak at their graduation. It seemed difficult - this was their first graduation and there were only 500 graduates at this start-up university. They were undaunted and decided to speak up for themselves to reach their goal.

One of their most effective ways to speak up was to create a You-Tube video:



They set up a Facebook page for their "Dear Michelle" campaign and created a template for the letter they hoped the students would write to request that our First Lady speak to their graduation. Here's an example of one of the letters.

The key throughout the effort to speak up and ask Michelle Obama to be the commencement speaker was the use of RESPECT. You'll notice in the sample letter linked in the previous paragraph, that respect for her time and schedule is noted as the request is made.

Respect is the key to effective assertiveness. In this effort, however, respect was only one component. The students persevered with letter writing, Valentines, and video media to emphasize both their request and the importance of getting their wish granted.

They succeeded in their great effort to speak up for themselves and on May 16, Michelle Obama spoke at their graduation!

When Speaking up for Yourself is Not Worth It

Monday I was sitting in the dentist's chair to have a crown done on one of my very back teeth. This is not my idea of a favorite way to spend a morning, but nevertheless, here I am.

The dentist has a new assistant. She introduces herself to me and then proceeds to help the dentist work on my tooth. In the process she has to move behind the dental chair in which I sit over and over. Every time she moves behind me, she brushes into my head and I can feel my hair being pushed into a new and unkempt position.

She never says anything....no "I'm so sorry," no "Oh, did I bump into you. Sorry," no "I'm sure it doesn't feel good for me to keep bumping you. The space is narrow, but I'll try not to hit you the next time I go between the chair and the XXX."

Part of the process even included making a mold of my back tooth using bright blue molding material. After long amounts of numbing, drilling and making a mold of my tooth, the passing back and forth behind my chair was done, but the assistant and I were not finished.

Her next job was to put the temporary crown in place. To do this she used a long instrument to poke around on the tooth. The instrument had a poking part on either end so as she was poking into my back tooth, the other end was jabbing my nostril. I couldn't say anything (cotton all packed in my mouth, numb tongue) so I wiggled around and got my own nose out of the way. She said not a word.

You may be thinking, surely this is the end of the story, but, no. As she is finishing up, she suddenly notices my lip and says as she rubs vigorously on it with a Kleenex, "Oh, there's some molding material on your lip." The molding material was very blue and had been sitting brightly on my lip at least 30 minutes before it caught her eye.

One of my jobs is to teach in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine at Emory University. I teach the doctoral students in physical therapy how to develop a caring relationship with the patient. I teach them to approach the patient as a person, not the Knee in Room 203.

I don't think this assistant had a course like mine in her training.

I may have to work with her again in three weeks and don't want even worse treatment from her! I'm sure I'll feel like the Crown in Room 2, working with her, whether I speak to the dentist or not. I decided it wasn't worth it on Monday because most of the time my mouth was not functional for speaking, but if she is the assistant when I go back in three weeks, I plan to say something.

The Aggressive Question: Attack without Assertion

Questions can be used aggressively. Using questions in this way can hamper communication and create bad feelings in a relationship. There are several ways this can happen:

1. Answering a question with a question
2. Asking a question when a statement would be clearer and more assertive
3. Asking a question when you feel judgmental toward the other person

Answering a question with a question can be a way to avoid or push away the questioner. This inhibits a working relationship.

• Suppose someone says, "What is your plan for starting the new project we're supposed to work on together?"
• If you respond, "Why are you in such a hurry to start?" you have responded in a mildly aggressive way. Instead of giving the questioner a plan of action, you are pushing away the request and implying that they are in error for asking you.

Asking a question when a statement would be clearer and more assertive is another way to avoid connection in a relationship.

• Your husband says, "When do you think you'll be ready to go to the restaurant?" with a stressed tone in his voice
• Although you may say, "I'll be ready in a few minutes," your response is likely to feel defensive both to you and to him.
• If we assume his wish is to go out the door sooner than later, then he would have been clearer and more assertive by saying, "I'm hungry. I'd like to leave for the restaurant before 6 PM." You would not feel attacked and as if you need to defend and he would have clearly stated his wish.

Asking a question when you feel judgmental toward another person is usually not about getting the answer to the question but rather about getting a jab in toward the other person.

• What makes you think that doing it that way will work?
• Why would you decide to drive on North Street instead of South Street?
• Did you think the dog would just train herself?

In working on speaking up for yourself, it's helpful to look at how both you and the people in your life use questions. Recognizing the possible aggressive use of questions can help you to decide for yourself about how to participate in a conversation.

The mildest response to an aggressive use of questioning is to look at the other person and say empathically, "I imagine you want to say something to me about XXX. I could hear it much better if you simply said it rather than asking me a question."

Tips for Assertiveness in a Job Interview

In these tough economic times many people are experiencing job loss. This morning I read a post on CNN.com about a guy who after losing his job as a mortgage broker, then beat out 300 people to get a job he found on Craigslist. He is now busy and thriving.

In a time of so much unemployment, the job interview has to be an assertive event for the interviewee. Not only do you really need the job, like Josh in the CNN interview, but also you are competing with a lot of other people who equally really need the job.

You therefore MUST be good at having a successful job interview.

Asserting yourself is key to a good job interview. Assertiveness is about having respect for yourself as well as respect for the other person. Respect for yourself means knowing that you are worth hiring enough to make sure that the interviewer knows that as well.

I love listening to politicians. Often an interviewer will ask the politician a question and he/she answers the question in such a way that he/she gets information out that sells her/his platform. In a job interview, your strengths are the platform on which you stand. Assertively inserting this information into the job interview is the essential element in a good job interview.

Here are several ways you can assert your strengths in a job interview:

1. Take with you not only your resume, but a typed list of accomplishments you think you achieved in your last job. This should be a simple list:

• Created a new program focused on X
• Brought XXXX people into the firm
• Timely in accomplishment of tasks

The details of these positive accomplishments can come out in the interview and give you an opportunity to talk about yourself.

Hand this to the interviewer saying assertively, "I made a list of what I achieved in my last job."

2. Bring with you a folder in which you have copies of emails, thank you notes, articles - anything you have to support your list of accomplishments. Note: If you haven't been keeping these type of things, it's a good thing to start doing going forward

3. If a question is one you can answer well, answer it and find a way, as a politician might, to insert something else you'd like the interviewer to know.

Interviewer: "Tell me about your computer skills. Are you familiar with Excel?"

You: "I am quite familiar with Excel and used it everyday in my last job. Your question about Excel reminds me of an Excel project I worked on involving XXXX in which I did XXXXX."

4. Be prepared to assert positive aspects of you into every possible question. And bring with you support for your assertions.

Simplest example:

Interviewer: "We are looking for someone who can write newsletters. I notice on your resume that your last position was an administrative assistant. I'm not sure you have the experience to do this writing job."

You: "Part of what drew me to apply for this job was the opportunity to write newsletters. I often had the opportunity to edit for my boss in my admin post. As a matter of fact, I brought a copy of XXX that I wrote for her when she was too busy to do it herself. In addition, I assumed that you would wonder about my qualifications to write that newsletter so I have written a mock-up of what might be the front page of a newsletter. Here it is."

A more complex example:

Interviewer: "What did you learn as an administrative assistant that would apply to an internal communications post at an environmental engineering firm?" I imagine the interviewer's eyebrows knit together as this question is asked.

Note: This question (and the possible body language with it) pulls for you to be defensive - it's not assertive to be defensive and will put a block between you and the interviewer. Instead you start by making a connection between you and the interviewer and then tailor the question to your advantage.
You: "I can imagine that it seems like a leap to you that I would want this job, but I've always wanted to write. I brought a folder with samples of my writing and in addition to the samples, I also made a mock-up of what might be a front page for a company newsletter here."

Note: The first statement is an empathic assertion - you try to imagine what it's like to be the interviewer and then make an assertive statement: "I've always wanted to write."

The interviewer takes your folder, thinks, "Wow, this person is really eager," reads your material, is impressed and you get the job!