The students of the University of California at Merced wanted to invite Michelle Obama to speak at their graduation. It seemed difficult - this was their first graduation and there were only 500 graduates at this start-up university. They were undaunted and decided to speak up for themselves to reach their goal.
One of their most effective ways to speak up was to create a You-Tube video:
They set up a Facebook page for their "Dear Michelle" campaign and created a template for the letter they hoped the students would write to request that our First Lady speak to their graduation. Here's an example of one of the letters.
The key throughout the effort to speak up and ask Michelle Obama to be the commencement speaker was the use of RESPECT. You'll notice in the sample letter linked in the previous paragraph, that respect for her time and schedule is noted as the request is made.
Respect is the key to effective assertiveness. In this effort, however, respect was only one component. The students persevered with letter writing, Valentines, and video media to emphasize both their request and the importance of getting their wish granted.
They succeeded in their great effort to speak up for themselves and on May 16, Michelle Obama spoke at their graduation!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
When Speaking up for Yourself is Not Worth It
Monday I was sitting in the dentist's chair to have a crown done on one of my very back teeth. This is not my idea of a favorite way to spend a morning, but nevertheless, here I am.
The dentist has a new assistant. She introduces herself to me and then proceeds to help the dentist work on my tooth. In the process she has to move behind the dental chair in which I sit over and over. Every time she moves behind me, she brushes into my head and I can feel my hair being pushed into a new and unkempt position.
She never says anything....no "I'm so sorry," no "Oh, did I bump into you. Sorry," no "I'm sure it doesn't feel good for me to keep bumping you. The space is narrow, but I'll try not to hit you the next time I go between the chair and the XXX."
Part of the process even included making a mold of my back tooth using bright blue molding material. After long amounts of numbing, drilling and making a mold of my tooth, the passing back and forth behind my chair was done, but the assistant and I were not finished.
Her next job was to put the temporary crown in place. To do this she used a long instrument to poke around on the tooth. The instrument had a poking part on either end so as she was poking into my back tooth, the other end was jabbing my nostril. I couldn't say anything (cotton all packed in my mouth, numb tongue) so I wiggled around and got my own nose out of the way. She said not a word.
You may be thinking, surely this is the end of the story, but, no. As she is finishing up, she suddenly notices my lip and says as she rubs vigorously on it with a Kleenex, "Oh, there's some molding material on your lip." The molding material was very blue and had been sitting brightly on my lip at least 30 minutes before it caught her eye.
One of my jobs is to teach in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine at Emory University. I teach the doctoral students in physical therapy how to develop a caring relationship with the patient. I teach them to approach the patient as a person, not the Knee in Room 203.
I don't think this assistant had a course like mine in her training.
I may have to work with her again in three weeks and don't want even worse treatment from her! I'm sure I'll feel like the Crown in Room 2, working with her, whether I speak to the dentist or not. I decided it wasn't worth it on Monday because most of the time my mouth was not functional for speaking, but if she is the assistant when I go back in three weeks, I plan to say something.
The dentist has a new assistant. She introduces herself to me and then proceeds to help the dentist work on my tooth. In the process she has to move behind the dental chair in which I sit over and over. Every time she moves behind me, she brushes into my head and I can feel my hair being pushed into a new and unkempt position.
She never says anything....no "I'm so sorry," no "Oh, did I bump into you. Sorry," no "I'm sure it doesn't feel good for me to keep bumping you. The space is narrow, but I'll try not to hit you the next time I go between the chair and the XXX."
Part of the process even included making a mold of my back tooth using bright blue molding material. After long amounts of numbing, drilling and making a mold of my tooth, the passing back and forth behind my chair was done, but the assistant and I were not finished.
Her next job was to put the temporary crown in place. To do this she used a long instrument to poke around on the tooth. The instrument had a poking part on either end so as she was poking into my back tooth, the other end was jabbing my nostril. I couldn't say anything (cotton all packed in my mouth, numb tongue) so I wiggled around and got my own nose out of the way. She said not a word.
You may be thinking, surely this is the end of the story, but, no. As she is finishing up, she suddenly notices my lip and says as she rubs vigorously on it with a Kleenex, "Oh, there's some molding material on your lip." The molding material was very blue and had been sitting brightly on my lip at least 30 minutes before it caught her eye.
One of my jobs is to teach in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine at Emory University. I teach the doctoral students in physical therapy how to develop a caring relationship with the patient. I teach them to approach the patient as a person, not the Knee in Room 203.
I don't think this assistant had a course like mine in her training.
I may have to work with her again in three weeks and don't want even worse treatment from her! I'm sure I'll feel like the Crown in Room 2, working with her, whether I speak to the dentist or not. I decided it wasn't worth it on Monday because most of the time my mouth was not functional for speaking, but if she is the assistant when I go back in three weeks, I plan to say something.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
The Aggressive Question: Attack without Assertion
Questions can be used aggressively. Using questions in this way can hamper communication and create bad feelings in a relationship. There are several ways this can happen:
The mildest response to an aggressive use of questioning is to look at the other person and say empathically, "I imagine you want to say something to me about XXX. I could hear it much better if you simply said it rather than asking me a question."
- Answering a question with a question
- Asking a question when a statement would be clearer and more assertive
- Asking a question when you feel judgmental toward the other person
- Suppose someone says, "What is your plan for starting the new project we're supposed to work on together?"
- If you respond, "Why are you in such a hurry to start?" you have responded in a mildly aggressive way. Instead of giving the questioner a plan of action, you are pushing away the request and implying that they are in error for asking you.
- Your husband says, "When do you think you'll be ready to go to the restaurant?" with a stressed tone in his voice
- Although you may say, "I'll be ready in a few minutes," your response is likely to feel defensive both to you and to him.
- If we assume his wish is to go out the door sooner than later, then he would have been clearer and more assertive by saying, "I'm hungry. I'd like to leave for the restaurant before 6 PM." You would not feel attacked and as if you need to defend and he would have clearly stated his wish.
- What makes you think that doing it that way will work?
- Why would you decide to drive on North Street instead of South Street?
- Did you think the dog would just train herself?
The mildest response to an aggressive use of questioning is to look at the other person and say empathically, "I imagine you want to say something to me about XXX. I could hear it much better if you simply said it rather than asking me a question."
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tips for Assertiveness in a Job Interview
In these tough economic times many people are experiencing job loss. This morning I read a post on CNN.com about a guy who after losing his job as a mortgage broker, then beat out 300 people to get a job he found on Craigslist. He is now busy and thriving.
In a time of so much unemployment, the job interview has to be an assertive event for the interviewee. Not only do you really need the job, like Josh in the CNN interview, but also you are competing with a lot of other people who equally really need the job.
You therefore MUST be good at having a successful job interview.
Asserting yourself is key to a good job interview. Assertiveness is about having respect for yourself as well as respect for the other person. Respect for yourself means knowing that you are worth hiring enough to make sure that the interviewer knows that as well.
I love listening to politicians. Often an interviewer will ask the politician a question and he/she answers the question in such a way that he/she gets information out that sells her/his platform. In a job interview, your strengths are the platform on which you stand. Assertively inserting this information into the job interview is the essential element in a good job interview.
Here are several ways you can assert your strengths in a job interview:
1. Take with you not only your resume, but a typed list of accomplishments you think you achieved in your last job. This should be a simple list:
The details of these positive accomplishments can come out in the interview and give you an opportunity to talk about yourself.
Hand this to the interviewer saying assertively, "I made a list of what I achieved in my last job."
2. Bring with you a folder in which you have copies of emails, thank you notes, articles - anything you have to support your list of accomplishments. Note: If you haven't been keeping these type of things, it's a good thing to start doing going forward
3. If a question is one you can answer well, answer it and find a way, as a politician might, to insert something else you'd like the interviewer to know.
Interviewer: "Tell me about your computer skills. Are you familiar with Excel?"
You: "I am quite familiar with Excel and used it everyday in my last job. Your question about Excel reminds me of an Excel project I worked on involving XXXX in which I did XXXXX."
4. Be prepared to assert positive aspects of you into every possible question. And bring with you support for your assertions.
Simplest example:
Interviewer: "We are looking for someone who can do write newsletters. I notice on your resume that your last position was an administrative assistant. I'm not sure you have the experience to do this writing job."
You: "Part of what drew me to apply for this job was the opportunity to write newsletters. I often had the opportunity to edit for my boss in my admin post. As a matter of fact, I brought a copy of XXX that I wrote for her when she was too busy to do it herself. In addition, I assumed that you would wonder about my qualifications to write that newsletter so I have written a mock-up of what might be the front page of a newsletter. Here it is."
A more complex example:
Interviewer: "What did you learn as an administrative assistant that would apply to an internal communications post at an environmental engineering firm?" I imagine the interviewer's eyebrows knit together as this question is asked.
Note: This question (and the possible body language with it) pulls for you to be defensive - it's not assertive to do be defensive and will put a block between you and the interviewer. Instead you start by making a connection between you and the interviewer and then tailor the question to your advantage.
You: "I can imagine that it seems like a leap to you that I would want this job, but I've always wanted to write. I brought a folder with samples of my writing and in addition to the samples, I also made a mock-up of what might be a front page for a company newsletter here."
Note: The first statement is an empathic assertion - you try to imagine what it's like to be the interviewer and then make an assertive statement: "I've always wanted to write."
The interviewer takes your folder, thinks, "Wow, this person is really eager," reads your material, is impressed and you get the job!
In a time of so much unemployment, the job interview has to be an assertive event for the interviewee. Not only do you really need the job, like Josh in the CNN interview, but also you are competing with a lot of other people who equally really need the job.
You therefore MUST be good at having a successful job interview.
Asserting yourself is key to a good job interview. Assertiveness is about having respect for yourself as well as respect for the other person. Respect for yourself means knowing that you are worth hiring enough to make sure that the interviewer knows that as well.
I love listening to politicians. Often an interviewer will ask the politician a question and he/she answers the question in such a way that he/she gets information out that sells her/his platform. In a job interview, your strengths are the platform on which you stand. Assertively inserting this information into the job interview is the essential element in a good job interview.
Here are several ways you can assert your strengths in a job interview:
1. Take with you not only your resume, but a typed list of accomplishments you think you achieved in your last job. This should be a simple list:
- Created a new program focused on X
- Brought XXXX people into the firm
- Timely in accomplishment of tasks
The details of these positive accomplishments can come out in the interview and give you an opportunity to talk about yourself.
Hand this to the interviewer saying assertively, "I made a list of what I achieved in my last job."
2. Bring with you a folder in which you have copies of emails, thank you notes, articles - anything you have to support your list of accomplishments. Note: If you haven't been keeping these type of things, it's a good thing to start doing going forward
3. If a question is one you can answer well, answer it and find a way, as a politician might, to insert something else you'd like the interviewer to know.
Interviewer: "Tell me about your computer skills. Are you familiar with Excel?"
You: "I am quite familiar with Excel and used it everyday in my last job. Your question about Excel reminds me of an Excel project I worked on involving XXXX in which I did XXXXX."
4. Be prepared to assert positive aspects of you into every possible question. And bring with you support for your assertions.
Simplest example:
Interviewer: "We are looking for someone who can do write newsletters. I notice on your resume that your last position was an administrative assistant. I'm not sure you have the experience to do this writing job."
You: "Part of what drew me to apply for this job was the opportunity to write newsletters. I often had the opportunity to edit for my boss in my admin post. As a matter of fact, I brought a copy of XXX that I wrote for her when she was too busy to do it herself. In addition, I assumed that you would wonder about my qualifications to write that newsletter so I have written a mock-up of what might be the front page of a newsletter. Here it is."
A more complex example:
Interviewer: "What did you learn as an administrative assistant that would apply to an internal communications post at an environmental engineering firm?" I imagine the interviewer's eyebrows knit together as this question is asked.
Note: This question (and the possible body language with it) pulls for you to be defensive - it's not assertive to do be defensive and will put a block between you and the interviewer. Instead you start by making a connection between you and the interviewer and then tailor the question to your advantage.
You: "I can imagine that it seems like a leap to you that I would want this job, but I've always wanted to write. I brought a folder with samples of my writing and in addition to the samples, I also made a mock-up of what might be a front page for a company newsletter here."
Note: The first statement is an empathic assertion - you try to imagine what it's like to be the interviewer and then make an assertive statement: "I've always wanted to write."
The interviewer takes your folder, thinks, "Wow, this person is really eager," reads your material, is impressed and you get the job!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Speaking Up to Doctors and Other Authority Figures
Speaking up to someone who is supposed to be an authority is often hard for people. Nowhere is this more evident than in the physician's office.
I work with a lot of infertility patients and I often have to walk them through how to ask questions of the doctor. Most patients have a list of questions they need to get answers to. But often in the face of a authority figure, we are worried that we will be "wasting their time." This may lead to unneeded apologies, "I'm sorry to take up your time, but I wanted to ask you....."
In the first place, apologizing and the rest of the above sentence does take up the physician's time. If you simply ask the question, time will be more effectively used.
There's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about this very issue. The Journal article focuses on the patient who is concerned about cleanliness and public health. The patient quoted in the first paragraph, screwed his courage to the sticking place when he heard his doctor sneeze outside his examining room door and asked, "Are you going to wash your hands before you examine me?"
The patient used courage to ask the question. However, he could have made an even more effective comment by making an assertive statement rather than asking a question. If you ask, "Are you going to wash your hands, etc?" in reality you have put the ball in the physician's court. He could say, "No, my hands are clean."
As a matter of fact, later in this same article another patient said to her doctor: "I have to ask you to wash your hands, according to that sign right there." The doctor, who cursorily washed her hands, responded defensively to that request, stating that she washes her hands at least 15 times a day.
Whenever you ask someone to do something, you give them the power to refuse. If you make a statement claiming your own agenda in the statement, it is much more powerful and takes away the sense that the receiver has a choice.
Example #1:
"I'd feel much more comfortable if you would wash your hands before examining me."
In this example, you make your assertiveness about you rather than the physician. This direct assertive statement expresses your concerns without implying wrong-doing on the part of the physician. In other words, you are taking responsibility for your own worry rather than pointing a potentially shaming finger at the doctor.
Example #2:
"I imagine you have had a overwhelming morning with all those patients in the waiting room, but I would feel much more secure about my own health if you would wash your hands before we start my examination."
The above is an empathic assertive statement in which you connect with the physician by recognizing his/her personal stresses in the day (so that he/she feels more understood and thus more connected with you) before you make your assertive statement.
The Wall Street Journal article points to the Joint Hospital Commission's work entitled: "Speak Up" which is focused on patient advocacy. The web page is worth reading if you are in a physician's care or dealing with ongoing illness.
I work with a lot of infertility patients and I often have to walk them through how to ask questions of the doctor. Most patients have a list of questions they need to get answers to. But often in the face of a authority figure, we are worried that we will be "wasting their time." This may lead to unneeded apologies, "I'm sorry to take up your time, but I wanted to ask you....."
In the first place, apologizing and the rest of the above sentence does take up the physician's time. If you simply ask the question, time will be more effectively used.
There's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about this very issue. The Journal article focuses on the patient who is concerned about cleanliness and public health. The patient quoted in the first paragraph, screwed his courage to the sticking place when he heard his doctor sneeze outside his examining room door and asked, "Are you going to wash your hands before you examine me?"
The patient used courage to ask the question. However, he could have made an even more effective comment by making an assertive statement rather than asking a question. If you ask, "Are you going to wash your hands, etc?" in reality you have put the ball in the physician's court. He could say, "No, my hands are clean."
As a matter of fact, later in this same article another patient said to her doctor: "I have to ask you to wash your hands, according to that sign right there." The doctor, who cursorily washed her hands, responded defensively to that request, stating that she washes her hands at least 15 times a day.
Whenever you ask someone to do something, you give them the power to refuse. If you make a statement claiming your own agenda in the statement, it is much more powerful and takes away the sense that the receiver has a choice.
Example #1:
"I'd feel much more comfortable if you would wash your hands before examining me."
In this example, you make your assertiveness about you rather than the physician. This direct assertive statement expresses your concerns without implying wrong-doing on the part of the physician. In other words, you are taking responsibility for your own worry rather than pointing a potentially shaming finger at the doctor.
Example #2:
"I imagine you have had a overwhelming morning with all those patients in the waiting room, but I would feel much more secure about my own health if you would wash your hands before we start my examination."
The above is an empathic assertive statement in which you connect with the physician by recognizing his/her personal stresses in the day (so that he/she feels more understood and thus more connected with you) before you make your assertive statement.
The Wall Street Journal article points to the Joint Hospital Commission's work entitled: "Speak Up" which is focused on patient advocacy. The web page is worth reading if you are in a physician's care or dealing with ongoing illness.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Speaking Up, Macy's and the Economy
Our famed consumer advocate in Atlanta, Clark Howard, is fond of calling customer service departments "Customer No-Service." However, as the economy declines or at least is in bad shape, I think we may see more and more attentive customer service.
It's a great time to practice speaking up for yourself.
In this endeavor to speak up to customer service, I had a great "rest of the story" experience with Macy's over the weekend.
I like to shop online. I was invited to a bridal shower on Sunday morning. Just as I was getting ready to purchase a present for the bride online, my power went out. A call to the power company confirmed that the outage would not be repaired until after 8 PM.
Well, I didn't want to sit in a dark, computer-less house (I do spend a lot of time on my computer), so I decided to go to Macy's and shop in person. I took the escalator to the linens department since this was a bed and bath shower. I printed out the bride's registry at 5:20 PM.
She had told me that she hoped someone would give her a duvet cover for which she had registered, but she didn't think anyone would because it was too expensive. There it was on list at half price! I was so excited.
I found someone to help, but she couldn't find the item. A second salesperson took me to a quilt, but not the duvet cover. I asked a third person who said, "Oh, we never have the duvet covers in the store. You can only buy them online." She assured me that it would be the same price online.
Discouraged, I left, finished another errand and returned home. The power was back on - it was 6:20 PM. I went online to order the duvet cover. There it was on Macy's.com but the price was only 1/4 off rather than half price.
I called customer service to find out what the deal was and although the webpage said they were available until 9 PM, the phone message said they had closed at 6 PM and wouldn't be available until Monday morning.
By then, I gave up and bought the duvet cover for 1/4 off.
This morning (Monday) I called Macy's customer service expecting little. I explained what had happened to the very friendly customer service agent. I ended by saying, "I don't think it's right to say the half price is available online but to charge 1/4 off instead. Especially when the only place you can buy the duvet is online."
He put me on hold for a long time.
He returned and in a pleasant voice told me that they would change my charge to be reflective of the half price sale and he was very, very sorry about the inconvenience!
My usual experience is that "Customer no-service" puts many obstacles in the way of helping you to get what you want. Macy's.com gave me such a different experience. I'm glad I called because even two days after the transaction they were willing to give me the credit.
It's a great time to practice speaking up for yourself.
In this endeavor to speak up to customer service, I had a great "rest of the story" experience with Macy's over the weekend.
I like to shop online. I was invited to a bridal shower on Sunday morning. Just as I was getting ready to purchase a present for the bride online, my power went out. A call to the power company confirmed that the outage would not be repaired until after 8 PM.
Well, I didn't want to sit in a dark, computer-less house (I do spend a lot of time on my computer), so I decided to go to Macy's and shop in person. I took the escalator to the linens department since this was a bed and bath shower. I printed out the bride's registry at 5:20 PM.
She had told me that she hoped someone would give her a duvet cover for which she had registered, but she didn't think anyone would because it was too expensive. There it was on list at half price! I was so excited.
I found someone to help, but she couldn't find the item. A second salesperson took me to a quilt, but not the duvet cover. I asked a third person who said, "Oh, we never have the duvet covers in the store. You can only buy them online." She assured me that it would be the same price online.
Discouraged, I left, finished another errand and returned home. The power was back on - it was 6:20 PM. I went online to order the duvet cover. There it was on Macy's.com but the price was only 1/4 off rather than half price.
I called customer service to find out what the deal was and although the webpage said they were available until 9 PM, the phone message said they had closed at 6 PM and wouldn't be available until Monday morning.
By then, I gave up and bought the duvet cover for 1/4 off.
This morning (Monday) I called Macy's customer service expecting little. I explained what had happened to the very friendly customer service agent. I ended by saying, "I don't think it's right to say the half price is available online but to charge 1/4 off instead. Especially when the only place you can buy the duvet is online."
He put me on hold for a long time.
He returned and in a pleasant voice told me that they would change my charge to be reflective of the half price sale and he was very, very sorry about the inconvenience!
My usual experience is that "Customer no-service" puts many obstacles in the way of helping you to get what you want. Macy's.com gave me such a different experience. I'm glad I called because even two days after the transaction they were willing to give me the credit.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Assertiveness and Open-Mindedness
"My way or the highway." Everyone has heard someone say that. Just like Gottman's principle of stonewalling, this approach does not promote either good relationships or good communication.
In a respectful assertive relationship, a basic aspect of the approach is to stay open to possibilities. If you respect the other person, then by definition, you respect how he/she thinks. In a discussion, if your approach is "my way or the highway," then you are not staying open to other ways of thinking.
Power struggles never end well. Generally the "my way" approach is the first sign of a power struggle. If you can only see one way to do something or to address a problem, then you are on your way to a stand-off rather than a good assertive outcome.
In the current movie, "Slumdog Millionaire," the young boy wants to get the autograph of a famous actor who is in India. His "friend" locks him in the outhouse so that he can't get out to get the autograph. The boy in the outhouse can choose to see it only one way - in which case he is stuck in the outhouse without a hope to get the autograph, or to be open to possibilities.
The possibility he thinks up is to get out of the latrine by dropping into the gross accumulation below the latrine. Since the latrine is positioned up on a platform, this gives him a way out. So, covered with latrine slime, he runs up to the star and does get the autograph - both because he smells and looks so disgusting that the way parts for him to get close to the star and because he thought literally outside the box in order to assert himself!
I often think of the child's story by Leo Lionni called Little Blue and Little Yellow. In the story two colors go out to play: blue and yellow. As they play together, they blend who they are and become (you guessed it!) GREEN! In other words, they created something completely different by putting the best of themselves together.
Now whenever I feel stuck in trying to work something out assertively with someone else, I try to listen to what they are saying to see what ideas they are contributing to blend with mine so that we can create our own version of GREEN.
{Note: "Slumdog Millionaire" is full of examples of the assertiveness of the main character - and is a fabulous movie, aside from the assertiveness throughout!}
In a respectful assertive relationship, a basic aspect of the approach is to stay open to possibilities. If you respect the other person, then by definition, you respect how he/she thinks. In a discussion, if your approach is "my way or the highway," then you are not staying open to other ways of thinking.
Power struggles never end well. Generally the "my way" approach is the first sign of a power struggle. If you can only see one way to do something or to address a problem, then you are on your way to a stand-off rather than a good assertive outcome.
In the current movie, "Slumdog Millionaire," the young boy wants to get the autograph of a famous actor who is in India. His "friend" locks him in the outhouse so that he can't get out to get the autograph. The boy in the outhouse can choose to see it only one way - in which case he is stuck in the outhouse without a hope to get the autograph, or to be open to possibilities.
The possibility he thinks up is to get out of the latrine by dropping into the gross accumulation below the latrine. Since the latrine is positioned up on a platform, this gives him a way out. So, covered with latrine slime, he runs up to the star and does get the autograph - both because he smells and looks so disgusting that the way parts for him to get close to the star and because he thought literally outside the box in order to assert himself!
I often think of the child's story by Leo Lionni called Little Blue and Little Yellow. In the story two colors go out to play: blue and yellow. As they play together, they blend who they are and become (you guessed it!) GREEN! In other words, they created something completely different by putting the best of themselves together.
Now whenever I feel stuck in trying to work something out assertively with someone else, I try to listen to what they are saying to see what ideas they are contributing to blend with mine so that we can create our own version of GREEN.
{Note: "Slumdog Millionaire" is full of examples of the assertiveness of the main character - and is a fabulous movie, aside from the assertiveness throughout!}
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
