I feel compelled to join in the theme with my list of the qualities of an effective assertive statement. If you think you've said something assertively, it should have these aspects:
- The statement should convey respect for yourself as well as respect for the person to whom you are speaking.
- The statement should be simple:
Example: "I want this to happen...." or "I don't want to do ......" If you add too many details, you lose impact.
- The statement should not be blaming.
Example: "You made me feel XXX," is not an effective assertive statement because it blames the other person. "When XXXX behavior happened, I felt upset," is effectively assertive because it describes problematic behavior paired with your own personal feelings and therefore does not point fingers.
- An effective assertive statement invites the other person to connect with you to work on the issue. An assertive statement is not designed to push the other person away.
- An effective assertive statement is fact-based. This by definition usually precludes the use of absolutes in an assertive statement such as "You always...." or "You never...."
Example: "You always leave your coffee cup on the desk for me to pick up," is both blaming and absolute. A fact-based statement is: "When you leave your coffee cup on the desk, I feel angry."