tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-274008202024-03-05T13:55:20.560-05:00SpeakUpForYourselfAssertiveness is about speaking up for yourself with respect both for yourself and the person with whom you are speaking. This blog demonstrates ways to apply assertiveness in everyday life. Dr. Linda Tillman, manager of this blog, has been teaching people to be more assertive for more than 25 years.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-59077970560502594192017-08-05T14:29:00.004-04:002017-08-05T14:35:51.504-04:00Trump's (only) communication skillPresident Trump has poor language communication but he does well in one nonverbal area. When he speaks extemporaneously without the advantage of a teleprompter speech written by someone else, he can't complete sentences. He puts phrases together in which the subject is often missing or unclear because he has changed the subject from when he starts a sentence until he reaches the end of it.<br />
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Here's an example from Time's interview with Trump:<br />
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<b>Scherer </b>(the interviewer): "So you don't feel like Comey's testimony in any way takes away from the credibility of the tweets you put out, even with the quotes?"<br />
<b>Trump</b>: "No, I have, look. I have articles saying it happened. But you have to take a look at what they, they just went out at a news conference."<br />
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The first phrase, "No, I have, look." doesn't make any sense and doesn't answer the question. In the second phrase: "I have articles saying it happened.," who knows what "it" is related to. In the third phrase, who in the world is "they" and what does "they just went out at a news conference" mean?<br />
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He jumps all over the place when he is speaking without a teleprompter, and makes me feel like I am listening to Dory in <i>Finding Nemo</i><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Ox_R0tJSGQM" width="560"></iframe>
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His vocabulary of adjectives and adverbs is very limited and he mostly uses "biggest," "greatest,"<br />
"best ever," etc. And I don't think he has uttered a single quotable sentence since he took office. I know, "Make America Great Again." but that was a campaign slogan that someone else thought up.<br />
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But there is one area in which he surpasses Barack Obama, who was an elegant speaker with command of the English language and who had the ability to put coherent thoughts together, unlike our current president.<br />
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Trump always ends his sentences with his voice going down at the end.<br />
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If you want to make your point, and in speeches he is reading, there generally is a specific point, lower your voice at the end as if your sentence is walking down stairs. <a href="http://speakupforyourself.blogspot.com/2009/01/weight-of-your-words-empowerment.html">This technique literally gives weight to the words you are speaking.</a><br />
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Here is Trump - notice how his voice goes down at the end of each sentence:<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="234" src="//fave.api.cnn.io/v1/fav/?video=politics/2017/08/03/trump-wv-rally-russia-response-bts.cnn&customer=cnn&edition=domestic&env=prod" width="416"></iframe>
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He asks some questions, "Have you seen any Russians in West Virginia?" and then his voice goes up appropriately. But every sentence he utters goes firmly down at the end.<br />
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Barack Obama often raises his voice at the end of sentences, potentially detracting from the power of his words. This is a clip of his best speaking moments - notice how often, even in these powerfully uttered words, he does not go down at the end of his sentences. In the first clips, he makes sentences that go down at the end, but in the middle segment, his words often rise at the end of the sentence.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/MS5UjNKw_1M" width="560"></iframe>
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To Barack Obama's credit, his words were so well put together and so powerful, it often made no difference that his voice tone rose at the end of his sentences. He exuded sincerity and honesty, unlike our current president who speaks in a chameleon way - changing his words to accomplish his goal of selling himself.<br />
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In Obama's speech at Selma, you might notice that his voice stays up at the end of sentences. This happens so much in the clip that I wondered if it may also reflect his audience in Alabama which would probably have included many people in the southern gospel tradition where one's speech often rises at the end.<br />
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Generally if you want to speak and be heard, there are three main things one must have:<br />
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1. Words that are well put together into coherent sentences<br />
2. Sincerity and passion<br />
3. A delivery that expresses the power behind your words, which in most cases, means that your words go down at the end of your sentences.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-46102476180004504182013-04-05T22:35:00.000-04:002013-04-05T22:39:38.230-04:00Quick Response to Feedback to Chipotle<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wrote my feedback to Chipotle at about 12:45. By 5:30, I had received an email response from customer service. Here is what they said:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Linda,</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Thank you so much for bringing this to our attention. It is so disappointing to hear that we have let you down a couple times with this restaurant. It is concerning to know that the high chairs are not up to standard and that our team was not helpful with you. We should not be using a cell phone at the register and I'm sorry this happened. I will reach out to the restaurant and make them aware of your concerns so we can look into this further.</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">If you'd like to send me your mailing address I'd be happy to put a few free burrito cards, good for any main menu item, in the mail for your next visit. You can use them at any location you prefer. We'd love to make it up to you with a better experience.</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Sincerely,</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Amanda</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Amanda Spilos | Customer Service Consultant</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Chipotle Mexican Grill</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fce5cd; color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So sending the feedback was very reinforcing for me in that I got a quick response to my concerns. I don't know if anything will actually change at that Chipotle, although I'm sure that having the high chairs without safety belts probably violates some restaurant regulation or another. </span><br />
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I did email her my mailing address and will be glad to receive some coupons because we do go to Chipotle on many a Friday, although I will not be returning to the one on North Druid Hills.</span><br />
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I encourage you to practice your assertiveness in this way - send feedback when you think it would be helpful or worthwhile for a place of business to know about your experience. You may have an impact and cause a positive change. In addition you may get some concrete reward for your time and effort - like the coupons I expect I will receive!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-33605079458295448512013-04-05T14:01:00.000-04:002013-04-05T22:36:10.466-04:00Importance of FeedbackOne of the joys of my life is that I get to keep two of my grandchildren every Friday. One is three year old Lark and the other is sixteen month old Max (her cousin). Usually we do some fun activity away from the house in the morning, eat lunch out and return to my house for nap and for the afternoon which sometimes includes construction paper crafts or baking cookies. <br />
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Today it was cold and rainy so we went to <a href="http://www.fernbankmuseum.org/discover-and-learn/">Fernbank</a>. Fernbank has a great children's area and both kids really enjoy it. As luck would have it, many Atlanta schools are on spring break, so the museum was not overrun with kids from school buses, so we had a great time. Here they are working a puzzle together.<br />
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At the end of our Fernbank fun, we often go to <a href="http://www.chipotle.com/en-US/restaurants/the_chipotle_experience/the_chipotle_experience.aspx">Chipotle</a> for lunch. There's a very close-by Chipotle on the Emory campus, but it is often hard to park there, so today we chose to go to Chipotle in Toco Hills which is about a 10 minute drive from Fernbank. <br />
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We went there two weeks ago and it wasn't a great experience. I didn't see any high chairs so I took both children through the line with me. This means that when I got our food on a big round tray, I was carrying Max in one arm and balancing the food in the other. Often at other Chipotles, the staff will offer to carry the food to the table under these circumstances - not at the N Druid Hills Chipotle. The cashier was chatting with a friend on her cell phone and barely glanced at me. When I put our food down on a table, I then, with Max still in my arms, went a carried a high chair (and Max) to the table and put him in it, only to find that the safety strap was broken. With a sixteen month old who is very active and likes to stand up, this is not a safe situation, but we already had our food and just made do with a bad situation.<br />
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Today as I imagined the Emory Chipotle, it seemed preferable to give the N Druid Hills location another try. We got there and I told Lark we would get a table first and then I'd order our food. I went over and got a high chair. When I got to the table with the high chair and the baby, the strap was broken. Leaving it there, I went to get another one. It too had a broken strap. I looked at the third one (the last one) and it also had a broken strap. Still carrying the baby, I went up the cashier and asked if there were any high chairs without broken straps. Without even looking at me, she said, "The high chairs are over there," and pointed. "I know," I said, "But all of them have broken safety straps." She SHRUGGED.<br />
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We left and went to nearby <a href="http://www.steaknshake.com/">Steak n' Shake</a> where the meal isn't nearly as healthy as at Chipotle but at least we could sit down and order and the high chairs (10 of them) all had safety straps that looked workable.<br />
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I came home and wrote the following feedback on Chipotle's web page:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm a grandmother who keeps my 17 mo. old grandson and my 3 year old granddaughter every Friday. We frequently eat at Chipotle - the Ponce location and the Emory location - our favorite for service and food is Sandy Springs on Roswell Road. </span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Last week we went to the N Druid Hills location. Unlike other locations, the staff was unhelpful with the children as I attempted to get their food to the table as a grandparent by myself, carrying the baby and the tray at the same time. Generally the staff will help carry the food when I am alone with two children, but not at this location where the cashier was talking to a friend on her cell phone. When we sat down, the high chair for the little one had a broken safety strap. I was very surprised by the lack of help and wrote it off to a bad day, since this has not been true at any other Chipotle location to which we have gone.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">We gave the same location another try today with a new plan. Since the staff was unhelpful, I would put the baby in a high chair with the three year old and go through the line by myself this time. However, the only three high chairs <b>all</b> had broken safety straps and the staff was remarkably unhelpful. I couldn't leave the children and get in line to order because the 17 month old would stand up and fall out of the high chair without a strap, so we left and went to Steak n Shake instead. I will not return to this extremely unhelpful and unfriendly location although I love Chipotle's food which is so much healthier than other fast food restaurants. I will choose to go back to the Ponce location or the Emory location, where it is impossible to park, over another visit to N Druid Hills.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't know if I'll hear from them, but it makes me feel more empowered in an impossible situation to at least send feedback. I'll post if I hear anything in response.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Lark at Steak n' Shake:</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-67637175104045534942013-02-18T14:28:00.001-05:002013-02-18T14:29:11.262-05:00The Resolution to the Recycle CanAfter hearing on SUNDAY from both my councilman, <a href="http://citycouncil.atlantaga.gov/6.htm">Alex Wan</a>, and the head of <a href="http://www.atlantaga.gov/index.aspx?page=491">Atlanta's Solid Waste collection department</a>, today I came home in the middle of the day to find a lovely surprise waiting for me on the curb:<br />
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It's brand new and both of the hinges are intact:<br />
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This whole thing was resolved in 24 hours after I stopped calling the department and did what <a href="http://www.clarkhoward.com/">Clark Howard</a> calls: Move up the Food Chain. So for Atlanta's Department of Public Works, "as soon as possible" only has a definition if you go above the level of the call receivers.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-72419763318284127122013-02-17T08:35:00.006-05:002013-02-17T20:55:09.905-05:00Futile attempts to replace my recycle containerAtlanta has a great recycling program. Almost everyone I know is finding that the recycling container provided by the city of Atlanta is more filled than the regular garbage can as we all learn how to recycle more and more. <br />
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In November, the guys who collect the recycling broke the hinge on my container. I have been trying since then to get the container replaced. I wrote the following assertive letter to the Department of Public Works:<br />
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<i>Dear Sir:</i><br />
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<i>In late November the recycling collectors broke the hinge on my blue recycle container so that the lid is hanging by one hinge. I called in early December to request a replacement. I was told one would be delivered within the next three weeks. That never happened. I felt forgiving about that, given the holiday season, so in good spirits called again in early January to repeat my request. After putting me on hold, the call person reported that my zip code had been improperly entered and she had corrected the error. She told me I would have a new container "as soon as possible."</i><br />
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<i>It's now past the middle of February. I called on Friday and the call person did not answer my question about what had happened but said, "I'll put you through to my supervisor's voicemail and she'll call you back." That never happened.</i><br />
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<i>I would like a replacement for my recycle container. It is extremely difficult for me to open and shut the container when the lid hangs by one hinge. I don't know if that's because I am 5'1" or because I am 64, but either way, it's difficult. Neither of those factors should count in why I need the container replaced. I did not break it - the collectors did - and it seems completely unreasonable that it has been this long and I have still not gotten a replacement container. </i><br />
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<i>Please replace my recycle container. I started to say "as soon as possible" but since I now know from experience that that phrase does not have the same definition for your office as it does for me, I will simply say, please replace my recycle container.</i><br />
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<i>Sincerely,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Linda Tillman</i><br />
<i>Home Address</i><br />
<i>Atlanta, GA 30...</i><br />
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I sent this letter to the contact person for the Sanitation part of the Public Works department and also cc'd my city councilman, <a href="http://www.atlantadistrict6.com/">Alex Wan</a>. My son-in-law tells me that the only way to get the Public Works department to take action is to cc your council person. So in addition to the letter above, I also filled out a form on Alex Wan's web site with this problem described. Maybe between the two attempts, I'll get a replacement.<br />
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Alex Wan is know to be responsive (and he's a fellow beekeeper), so I think this will have impact. In assertive letter writing, if you can get more power by copying to another person, even if that only serves as a record that you wrote the letter, it's important to do.<br />
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For example, if you are struggling to solve a problem with another person in your department at work, then any email should be sent to that person, but also copied to someone who might need to know about the issue you are addressing. That both ups the possibility of solution and adds to the possibility of collaboration.<br />
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We'll see if this has any impact and I'll add to this post when/if I get the new container. We'll find out what "as soon as possible" means to the <a href="http://www.atlantaga.gov/index.aspx?page=193">Atlanta Department of Public Works</a>.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Note:</span></b> I sent the email at 8:30 on a Sunday morning. Within 30 minutes, I received an email from Alex Wan who was cc'd on the email, saying that he would get this figured out when he gets to the office on Monday morning - wow - that was quick!<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Note #2:</b></span> At 7:24 PM on the same Sunday night (not at all during business hours), I got an email from the director of Solid Waste Service, Mr. Raikes. This is what it said: <br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><i>"Thank you for the corrected address information Dr. Tillman. I will have a replacement delivered on Monday please leave the broken cart curbside so we can remove. I appreciate your patience and apologize for the delay."</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;">Hooray!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-10585446354237218392012-05-30T00:48:00.000-04:002012-05-30T00:48:43.404-04:00Taking a Stand<br />
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When an ice storm hits Atlanta, trees fall. </div>
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Unlike many large metropolitan areas, Atlanta is filled with
tall pines, old oaks, and streets lined with dogwoods. An ice storm takes a heavy toll on the trees
in every part of the city.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In our last ice storm several years ago, a tall pine
near the entrance to my neighborhood cracked about three feet from the
ground. As it fell, the top of the tree
caught on a small branch from an adjacent tree, leaving the pine leaning
precariously toward the street at a forty-five degree angle.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I watched the tree, a huge gaping crack in its trunk, held
up by a tiny branch, for three years, waiting for it to fall into the
street. I had so little belief in the
tree’s ability to stay balanced on that branch that I drove in and out of my
neighborhood by a different way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In spite of the appearance of weakness and instability, the
tree remained standing for three years.
Finally this year, the neighbor on whose property the tree had grown cut
the tree down. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I was greatly relieved.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Although the tree was an obvious presence, I had little
confidence in its capacity to maintain its angled stance. I did not trust its ability to hold its
own. I avoided it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When people make assertive statements, but present a weak or
off-balanced appearance, the listener is likely to disregard the power of the
statement. Just like the tottering pine,
a person who is not standing on his/her two feet will look less effective and
less able to maintain his/her position.<o:p></o:p></div>
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You’ve seen public speakers who, because they are nervous,
shift back and forth from one foot to the other. Their movements are distracting and disconcerting. Sometimes I find I am watching the motion
rather than listening to the speech.</div>
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“Don’t fidget,” Richard Gere admonishes Julia Roberts in the
movie <i>Pretty Woman. </i>While he is
trying to make her look like a lady, he also is trying to help her maintain a
positive presence. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Try to become a keen observer of yourself. Do you fidget? Are there habits such as
playing with your hair or swaying back and forth that you use during stressful
communication? Do you betray your fear of speaking up through your nonverbal indicators?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Nonverbal assertiveness is a powerful tool. The words that you say are empowered or
diminished by how you handle yourself physically.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When you are speaking, plant yourself firmly on both
feet. If you are seated, uncross your
legs and put both feet flat on the ground.
Not only will you look more solid in your stance, but also your words
will seem more powerful both to you and the listener.<o:p></o:p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-50157761981033989092012-05-04T22:35:00.001-04:002013-01-20T07:45:20.434-05:00Crocs and the Power of Writing a LetterWriting letters (or in today's world, sending an email) can be very powerful. Sending your thoughts to another person can serve many purposes. Sometimes we want to effect a change, sometimes we want to give feedback, and sometimes we just want to vent.<br />
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I ordered a new pair of Crocs from <a href="http://www.zappos.com/crocs">Zappos</a>. The pair I've used has been around for about four or five years. The toes are scuffed, but they have continued to serve their purpose - I wear them for gardening and house shoes - they are quick to slip into to take the dogs out first thing in the morning. <br />
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A few weeks ago my Crocs disappeared. I looked in every closet. I live in a tiny house and I looked in every room. I had a memory of sitting somewhere to take them off and exchange them for the "real" shoes I was going to wear but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where I was sitting. I looked everywhere. I surmised either that I had left them by accident in the mountains a couple of weeks ago or that I had set them on an unlikely shelf that had not yet gotten my attention.<br />
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I do love them even though when I went to the beach several years ago with my nephew, I asked him if I looked cool enough in my new sunglasses to go to the beach with him. "Well, Aunt Linda," he said in a matter of fact way, "The sunglasses are cool, but lose the Crocs."<br />
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Now I have succeeded in losing the Crocs and despite their uncoolness, according to Avery, I miss them.<br />
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So I went online to Zappos where I have ordered many a pair of shoes, found the basic navy Crocs I wanted, pushed the necessary buttons, shared the necessary PayPal information and ordered a new pair. The very next day, the Crocs were sitting on my doorstep when I arrived home. <br />
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I opened the box to find that the Crocs waiting beneath the cardboard were not what I had ordered at all. They were Black and Grey rather than Navy and not only that, they were a different style of Croc as opposed to basic Crocs which I had wanted.<br />
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I sent an email to Zappos:<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">I ordered classic crocs in navy - xxxxxxxxx is my order number. My shoes arrived yesterday and I'll keep them but they are not what I ordered. I ordered navy classic crocs and I received black crocs - I believe this is the shoe I received:</span></b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #b45f06;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> Crocs Yukon sport in black/graphite.</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">They fit and will serve the purpose - I only use crocs as hangout in the house shoes, but your robot picked up the wrong box in selecting my order.</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> I've ordered from you many times and this is the first time I've been disappointed.</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> Linda T</span></span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I had seen a Wired article<a href="http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/01/retailrobots/"> about the Bots that collect shoes </a>on order from Zappos so I was amazed that I was the recipient of a failed "bot." They report almost no failures now that <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/mick_mountz_the_hidden_world_of_box_packing.html">Kiva</a> is serving their fulfillment needs.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here's the response I got from Zappos within 48 hours of my email as their customer service center had promised:</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br />
<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Hello Linda,</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Thank You for contacting the Zappos.com Customer Loyalty Team. I hope this email finds you well!</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I am so sorry to hear you received the wrong color Crocs (not to mention the wrong style). Since I am not a big fan of disappointing our awesome customers such as yourself I am going to send you a free replacement pair of Crocs in the correct style that you originally ordered. Your new order for the Navy Classic Crocs will arrive on Wednesday. Don't worry, there is no need to return the original pair of Crocs, you can keep them as a backup pair. You were not charged for the replacement order, I simply transferred your funds over to the new one.</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">To ensure you get the correct shoe this time, I have transmitted a message to our Warehouse-Bots to double check your order before it is shipped out.</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In the meantime, I have also upgraded your account to VIP! This is completely free and entitles you to next business day shipping, expedited returns, and other perks. Be on the lookout for a separate VIP email for more information!</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If you need any further assistance, please let us know! We are here 24/7 for the early birds, night owls, and everyone in-between. Have a great weekend!</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Your Friendly Zapponian,</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Jason C.</span><br style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Zappos Customer Loyalty Team</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #fce5cd; color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">My email was intended to allow me to vent. I expected nothing else - but now I will have a navy pair of classic Crocs which was my original wish. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fce5cd; color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #fce5cd; color: #222222; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And today my granddaughter found my old Crocs under a piece of furniture that was easier for her to look under at 2 1/2 than for me!</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-47085277154878452042012-05-01T23:41:00.002-04:002012-05-04T21:52:21.870-04:00Assertiveness and the Sound of Silence<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/dTCNwgzM2rQ" width="420"></iframe><br />
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Sometimes the sound of silence is more effective than uttering a single word. Silence can actually be quite loud in an assertive interaction.<br />
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<b><span style="background-color: white; color: #a64d79;">Silence to employ a good listening technique </span></b><br />
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First silence can be an indication that you are listening. After a moment of silence, it is often helpful to reiterate what you heard the other person say. Then that person knows you were listening and that you understood what they said.<br />
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Simon and Garfunkel comment in their song about “people hearing without listening” which is what many people do. Once I had a conversation with my youngest daughter, Valerie, who was then in high school. She looked attentive and nodded her head at whatever I was requesting that she do going forward. Then the next day she did exactly the opposite of what I said the day before.<br />
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I was confused. “But Valerie, I don't understand why you did that. I talked to you about this very thing yesterday.”<br />
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“Oh, Mom,” she said, “That was because I <b><i>looked</i></b> like I was listening, but I wasn’t <b><i>really</i></b> listening.”<br />
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One important value of silence in an assertive interaction is that you can actually listen and put together what you have heard in the silence before affirming your understanding by repeating it for the other person.<br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79;"><b style="background-color: white;">Silence to offer respect to the other person</b></span><br />
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Often in conversation, I imagine you find yourself thinking of what you want to say next. You may plan the whole conversation in your head, all the while nodding and smiling at the other person.<br />
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Or you may interrupt because you are so eager to get your two cents in that you just can't wait for him/her to finish the sentence or the thought. <br />
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Waiting (and listening) in silence is much more respectful of the other person and indicates that you value his/her contribution to the topic.<br />
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<b style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">Silence to avoid taking in an insult</span></b><br />
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Silence can also be quite powerful when you are speaking with someone who is treating you without respect. Silence then serves to indicate that you are not going to allow someone to poke you or at least that you will not give them the satisfaction of knowing that they have struck a blow.<br />
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For example if someone insults you: “I don’t know why I expected YOU to get it right. After all every time I assign a task to someone at your level, it gets completely botched up.”<br />
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Why honor the insult with a response (indicating to the bully that he/she has damaged you)? Instead, simply take charge of the conversation by beginning a new topic.<br />
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You respond with nothing....complete silence and no change of facial expression....and then change the subject.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79;"><b>Silence to give power to the punch line</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br />
At the office, Sam makes a request of his associate, Rudy. "Rudy, I want us to meet our goal by the end of the week. Both of our evaluations depend on this."<br />
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Rudy looks shocked and says, "But Sam, you know we can't do this. We don't have enough people power to make the number of phone calls that we will need to make."<br />
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Sam looks at Rudy and says nothing. Then after a short silence, Sam says again, "Rudy, I want us to meet our goal by the end of the week."<br />
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The silence adds power and effectiveness to the statement Sam is making. Sam does not allow any watering down of his request because to him it is of the utmost importance. So without engaging in speculation with Rudy, after a short silence, Sam simply makes the statement again.<br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79;"><b style="background-color: white;">Silence to avoid impulsive decision making</b></span><br />
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"I know, I know," says your wife. "We can go on vacation to the Bahamas. The weather should be great and it's not that long a trip. We can ask Fred if we can use his timeshare."<br />
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This sounds good and you are ready to jump on board, but instead you say, "Let me think about this - I don't want to make an impulsive decision and suddenly have airplane tickets that we can't use." So you sit in silence contemplating the pros and cons before sharing them with your wife to make a careful and studied decision.<br />
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These are only a few of the ways in which silence can strengthen assertiveness. So assertiveness isn't always what you say, but is often what you don't say.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-34859163710376291622012-04-25T09:05:00.000-04:002012-04-25T09:15:20.507-04:00Making the First Down in Speaking Up and in Football<b id="internal-source-marker_0.12295704544521868"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Football always looked to me like a game of violence. I thought the players were just trying to knock down the guy with the ball and to damage as many others on the field as possible. </span></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_G3PDknEPk1Idoeqi0ARBgUFENQrDbwZzo1NfplfV92F2PunkzDkuBkncxFzktBgkA6E4GwsAYyPBuFVI8nrCaw3oXkRWx3CyThB6UhJaZRtJpsRx2HtQcf2KaHytRIaMZr297g/s1600/MM900041141.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_G3PDknEPk1Idoeqi0ARBgUFENQrDbwZzo1NfplfV92F2PunkzDkuBkncxFzktBgkA6E4GwsAYyPBuFVI8nrCaw3oXkRWx3CyThB6UhJaZRtJpsRx2HtQcf2KaHytRIaMZr297g/s1600/MM900041141.GIF" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am now learning that football is a very intelligent game. The fundamentals of football include</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Identifying the goal,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Determining how to get to the goal,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Motivating yourself (and the team) to get to the goal, and</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Being prepared to counteract any attempts to keep you from getting to the goal. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In football the field is immense (100 yards long). Even if you have the ball in the center of the field, you still have to travel 50 yards to the goal line. If you focus on the goal, the distance could seem overwhelming. </span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, that’s not how it is done in football. Instead the ball is moved down the field by making downs of ten yards each.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The point of the football game is to keep your eye on the ball and move the ball to the goal line to score. Along the way, you must keep your energy goal-directed and you must get any obstacles out of the path.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let’s see how this applies to speaking up for yourself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Identify the goal</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In speaking up for yourself, you can set an ultimate goal toward which you are working. Keeping your eye on the ball means moving yourself toward this long term goal. Here are some examples of long range goals that a person might set:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Margaret’s goal: “I will meet my goal when I speak up in a corporate meeting in front of at least 30 other colleagues”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">MaryBeth’s goal: “I will meet my goal when I successfully negotiate with my husband and take an active part in the decision making in our relationship”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Steve’s goal: “I will meet my goal when I am offered a new job in a higher level position in my company.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What might your goal be?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Determine how to get to the goal</span></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the football field, getting to the goal involves moving the ball down the field. Built into football is the idea of taking small steps toward a big goal. In football each ten yard increment is a first down. You get four tries in working to make a first down.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">If you don't make the first down in four tries, the offensive team goes to the bench and tries to come up with a better strategy for the next opportunity to make the first down.</span><span style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">With each small step toward our larger goal, we make first downs in speaking up for ourselves. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Margaret knew that she needed to try for first downs as she moved toward her goal which was: “I will achieve my goal when I speak up in a corporate meeting in front of at least 30 other colleagues.” She set some “ten yard” goals for herself.</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">First play</span>:</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Margaret volunteered for a small committee (five people) at work on which some of the more vocal employees participated. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Margaret committed to speak up at least once in every committee meeting</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When Margaret did both of these items, she gave herself credit for getting a first down. She then planned her next play.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Next play</span>:</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Margaret decided to write a memo to one of the executives on the 30 person corporate team about an action she would like to use to move an office project forward</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Margaret will follow up the memo with a phone call to the corporate team member to see what he/she thinks</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When Margaret succeeds at this, she will work to develop another play in which Margaret will speak individually to several other members of the team about her action idea</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As you can see, Margaret is steadily working her way down the field toward her goal.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Gf0Yrs488IDS82z02yUuHwq-ghverpe7gnEuME-qMVOwN30oJM2NNsr7D5v5CT9qlj3tKTR8R_kwRA3KO1pq06aU9FF143jpnjKNyTvXkxuyQHo0ht1VQX_oNRI8uIYgAMv5gw/s1600/MM900300539.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Gf0Yrs488IDS82z02yUuHwq-ghverpe7gnEuME-qMVOwN30oJM2NNsr7D5v5CT9qlj3tKTR8R_kwRA3KO1pq06aU9FF143jpnjKNyTvXkxuyQHo0ht1VQX_oNRI8uIYgAMv5gw/s1600/MM900300539.GIF" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Motivating yourself to keep moving toward the ultimate goal</span></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Margaret wants to keep her energy and motivation high. To do this,</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">She can <span style="color: #cc0000;">reshape and define her goals</span>, based on the previous play.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> If the play went well, Margaret will want to find the successful elements in it to apply to the next play. If the play didn’t go well, Margaret will make a new action plan</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She can <span style="color: #cc0000;">stay focused</span> on her ultimate goals so that each play is in the right direction.
</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">She can develop <span style="color: #cc0000;">reinforcement</span> for herself. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Just as the football player takes a moment on the bench between plays to drink some Gatorade and regroup, Margaret must take care of herself to keep her positive energy up</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She can have <span style="color: #cc0000;">someone cheering</span> her on.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It’s difficult to meet goals alone, but helpful and gratifying to meet a goal with someone noticing and cheering for you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Being prepared to counteract any attempts to keep you from getting to the goal</span></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In football, the quarterback may attempt to run the ball and be pushed back several yards. On the next play, the quarterback tries to make up the yards lost and add some more yards in the progress to the first down. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The defensive linebackers in football are positioned to stop the play. Their job is to keep the quarterback from getting a first down. Unfortunately in life there often are people who serve as linebackers who block our attempts to make progress. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A smart quarterback tries to see the linebackers and maneuver around them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Margaret will try to anticipate the ways her attempts to reach her goal might be blocked.</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She will learn how to counter the disrespectful person who may make fun of her efforts to speak up in the committee meeting.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">She will practice assertive ways to make her position known in a powerful manner. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">She will ask someone else to read the memo she will write in her second play to give her feedback and suggestions.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a football game if the play fails, the coach and the players simply look at it as a blown play. It’s not the end of the world. At the end of a bad play, the football players and the coach huddle and make a plan for the next play.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Note: The players don’t stand in the huddle and worry about the play that was just made. They don’t berate themselves: e.g., “if I hadn’t been so clumsy, I wouldn’t have dropped the ball.” A blown play means that it will now take three great plays to make a first down instead of the four they had available at first.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So in the huddle, <span style="color: #cc0000;">they just plan the next play</span>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After all, the goal is to make a first down on the way to a touchdown. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s up to you – plan your goals and begin making plays to get to the first downs as you move down the field! If one play doesn’t advance you toward your goal, just plan for the next one. Go for it and good luck!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Thanks to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_Night_Lights_(TV_series)">Friday Night Lights</a> for the inspiration for this article)</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-61586669496164687852012-04-18T08:12:00.000-04:002012-04-18T08:39:07.826-04:00Handing off the Baton: Assertive Delegation<span id="internal-source-marker_0.3950372161343694"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In track and field, a good relay race involves the tight cooperation of four runners. Each runner goes part of the distance and hands the baton off to the next runner. If the baton exchange is a clean one, the chances for winning the race are much better than if the baton is dropped or the exchange is not handled well.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a clean handoff, the second runner begins to run as the first runner enters the exchange zone. For a perfect exchange, the runners’ hands are precisely parallel and the baton is transferred smoothly. If the runners have to fumble to find each other’s hands; if they are not in step with each other; if they don’t run a precise distance together during the handoff, the race is over for the team.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the baton exchange to happen well, the runners have to give up their ego needs in the service of the needs of the team. Each runner’s best strength determines where he/she runs in the relay. For example, the best starter runs the first leg of the race. This person must be counted on not to have a false start and must be able to do the baton exchange almost perfectly. The second and third runners must run strong and fast. They must each be good both at passing the baton and at receiving it. The last runner, the anchor, must keep a level head and must be able to handle the pressure well. He/she cannot start running too soon, even if the team is behind and there is ground to make up.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4UeHUR1zMBJNUiBVNYSCmQEANksM05Tm4EWdvDSQL8TEXdot_BibrXGsXJNDA52XFsFw_EPxdWQKjbasdiCJF2uKM0NPSLpMUYMVYe2IaCcTKhEabMkIDPLfouInw7pTmbMFESg/s1600/MP900149024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4UeHUR1zMBJNUiBVNYSCmQEANksM05Tm4EWdvDSQL8TEXdot_BibrXGsXJNDA52XFsFw_EPxdWQKjbasdiCJF2uKM0NPSLpMUYMVYe2IaCcTKhEabMkIDPLfouInw7pTmbMFESg/s320/MP900149024.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In establishing a good baton exchange for the team, the coach must consider trust, strength, dependability, timing, and accuracy.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Assertive delegation includes all the characteristics of a clean baton exchange. Opportunities for assertive delegation arise at home when dividing household tasks, in our personal lives when working on committees and in clubs or organizations, and in business while working with others.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First in order to delegate assertively, you must be prepared to trust the person to whom you handoff the task. When delegation is difficult, the person handing off the task is often unwilling to let it go. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Many of us grew up with the adage: “If you want something done well, you have to do it yourself.” </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, if you hold onto the baton in the transfer, unwilling to let it go completely, the receiver is likely to stumble and won’t be able to complete his/her job effectively. A good assertive statement in passing the baton will assure you that the task will happen as you wish and will increase your trust in the other person.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><b><span style="color: #cc0000; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Be precise in your handoff</span></b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think about exactly what you need at the end of the task to feel good about the task’s completion. Make an assertive statement to clarify what the other person should accomplish. To be effective, this statement must not only convey respect to the other person, but must also be very specific about expectations.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is an example of a poor handoff:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“<i>Hi, Nora. Remember the vendor accounts? Well, I need you to finish them up by Friday</i>.”</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now here is an example of a clear assertive delegation:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“<i>Nora, I want you to complete the work on the vendor accounts. To complete the assignment you will need to: </i></span><i><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1) contact all the vendors;</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2) give them instructions in writing;</span></i><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>3) make sure that all of them have paid you by Friday</i>.”</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the home front a poor handoff is:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“<i>Billy, I’d like you to do the laundry this weekend</i>.” This is not clear enough and leaves much room for misinterpretation. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Assumptions are a big problem when delegation is not precise. My definition of “do the laundry” may mean something completely different from Billy’s definition. Billy, for example, may think that “do the laundry” means to put one basket of clothes into the washing machine and start it.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A clear assertive delegation is specific:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“<i>Billy, I want you to do the laundry this weekend. This means that you wash all of the laundry in all of the baskets, dry all of the wet laundry in the dryer, fold all of the clothes and stack each person’s folded laundry on his/her bed</i>.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Run along beside the delegate for a moment</span><br /><span style="color: #cc0000; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to complete the handoff well</span><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As the first runner hands the baton off to the second, for a short period they are running together. In handing off a task, you must determine how figuratively to run beside your delegate. For example, first you give your instructions. To run beside him/her for a moment, you say assertively, “<i>OK, Nora, now what is your understanding of what I am asking you to do?</i>” </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As you hear her answer, you can complete the handoff, knowing that she is clear about her leg of the race. If she isn’t clear, then stay with her long enough for both of you to be satisfied that the task instructions are understood.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In our home example, you’ll need to hear Billy’s understanding of his instructions. He may wish to write the instructions down or you may provide him with a written list. When I taught my children to do laundry, I posted instructions in the laundry room for how to start the washing machine and how to run the dryer so that no child could say, “I forgot how....”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Building in dependability</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As the race is run, each runner is watching the other three, mentally staying in pace as the race progresses. Each runner depends on the ability of the other three to complete the relay.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In assertive delegation, we build in dependability in two ways. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. We choose our delegate well. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our history with the person to whom we delegate is a large factor in choosing him/her. However, sometimes we delegate to challenge another person or to provide them with an opportunity to grow. (This is likely to be what we are doing in trying to train Billy to do the laundry!)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. We build in an action to allow us to follow what our delegate is doing.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For example, in our instructions to Nora, we might say assertively, “Nora, I’d like you to email me every morning to let me know where you are on the project. In doing this, I’ll have a daily progress report and I can cheer you on.”</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For Billy, an assertive comment is: “Billy, I know doing the laundry will be hard, so I’ll check on you on Sunday and cheer if you are doing the job well.” Another approach for Billy is: “Billy, if you have any trouble doing the laundry, come and ask me for advice. I’ll gladly give suggestions, but doing the laundry will still be your job.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Timing is everything</span></b></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a relay race, timing is everything. The second runner must be poised to start as the first runner approaches. In fact, the second runner begins to run just as the first runner enters the exchange zone. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In our assertive delegation, we will more likely delegate to someone who can see us coming. We will choose a person who can anticipate how we might need his/her help and who will already be on the move when we arrive.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Timing is also a key factor at the end of the race. If the handoffs have gone well, the runners will be as efficient as possible as they approach the finish line. No wasted time will slow the finish down. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In delegating a task assertively, we can point to timing in our initial instructions to our delegate. For example, we might say to Nora, “<i>Nora, our deadline for this project is next Friday. I want the project in on time. What do you think will help you get to the deadline? What will be a roadblock on the way to the deadline?</i> ”</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With children like Billy, timing may have to include consequences. For example, “<i>Billy, I’ll expect the laundry to be finished by 5 PM on Sunday. Because everyone needs their clean clothes on Monday morning, I’ll expect yo</i>u <i>to work until you’re finished, even if that means missing your favorite Sunday night show</i>.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Winning the medal at the end of the race</span></b></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When a relay team wins the event, each team member gets a medal. This rewards each individual for his or her contribution to the whole team’s accomplishment.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In delegation, we must think like the coach of the team. If you delegate a task, plan a reward for the completion of the task. If your employee finishes the project on or before deadline, reward him/her. This reward can be simple: an extra half hour for lunch; getting to go home early one day; or a big sign on the team bulletin board: “<span style="color: blue;">NORA FINISHED THE VENDOR PROJECT!</span>” </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjejMlqt2jXE3DZ0IE586P2TNfROrP0mGMAAR7dfyAWXxhY2nLFVH31RD7MY_UrQ89p6fky4Y_vFwNrw4uUAIrBUFJ_PNjVq4UBttVEjwH57vKDATBZLGP9oHyIyn9I-vEKbxfUPg/s1600/MM900315853.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjejMlqt2jXE3DZ0IE586P2TNfROrP0mGMAAR7dfyAWXxhY2nLFVH31RD7MY_UrQ89p6fky4Y_vFwNrw4uUAIrBUFJ_PNjVq4UBttVEjwH57vKDATBZLGP9oHyIyn9I-vEKbxfUPg/s1600/MM900315853.GIF" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And if Billy actually does the laundry, I’m sure you and he can create a list of rewards that he would love to receive!</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-12963306541963176552012-04-10T22:45:00.002-04:002012-04-22T21:49:25.208-04:00I Am Going - An Assumption Undermines Communication<b id="internal-source-marker_0.8544245294760913"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mo Willems writes children’s books that convey basic conflicts in life in beautifully presented, simple ways. His themes of friendship, connection, and communication, told for children, reflect issues that adults face as well.</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1423119908/ref=as_li_tf_il?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1423119908" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ws.assoc-amazon.com/widgets/q?_encoding=UTF8&Format=_SL110_&ASIN=1423119908&MarketPlace=US&ID=AsinImage&WS=1&tag=speakupforyourse&ServiceVersion=20070822" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My grandson loves </span><a href="about:blank" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am Going!</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> because it’s the very first book he read himself cover to cover. I love </span><a href="about:blank" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am Going!</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> because it deals with assumptions and how they bring confusion to communication.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Willems’ series about Elephant and Piggie focuses on Gerald, a neurotic elephant, and Piggie, a happy-go-lucky pig. When Piggie announces to Gerald, “I am going!” Gerald is filled with anxiety. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">assumes</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Piggie is abandoning him. In desperation he pleads, “Go later! Go tomorrow! Go next week! Go next month! GO NEXT YEAR!” But Piggie sticks to her original statement, “I am going now.” </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gerald, who is reacting from his assumption about abandonment, stays in a state of panic until Piggie finally tells him that she is going to lunch. He spent a tremendous amount of emotional energy when a simple question to clarify what Piggie meant would have saved that for him. All he needed to ask was either “Why are you going?” or “Where are you going?” Instead he assumed she was abandoning him and reacted accordingly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In many couples that I work with in therapy, the issue of assumption often clouds communication. Sometimes the reaction is an assumption which is the result of history. He says, “I know what will happen if I try to connect more with her. She’ll criticize me and tell me I’m doing it wrong.” His assumption keeps him from taking the risk of connecting with his partner. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes the assumption is like Gerald’s assumption, attributing a meaning when a clarifying question would save the day. She says, “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.” He, a guy who came from Michigan, assumes she doesn’t like his state and maybe doesn’t want to do things he wants to do. The resulting resentment he feels clouds his next statement to her. “Well,” he says in a hurt tone, “ we don’t HAVE to go on vacation at all.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If he had not made the assumption, the conversation could have gone like this:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She: “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He: “What do you like best about going to Florida?” ⬅ <span style="color: red;">Note: clarifying question</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She: “It’s always warm and sunny when we go. In Michigan, I always need a coat.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He: “With all my relatives in Michigan, I do like to go there. Wonder how we could go on vacation and both feel good about it?”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She: “How about if we go to Michigan in late July? Then it’s so much warmer than it would be now over spring break. We could go to Florida now for Spring Break and then to Michigan in July.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When assumptions are waylaid by a clarifying question - in this example: “What do you like best about going to Florida?” then good communication can take place.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes your assumption may be right. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She: “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He: “What do you like best about going to Florida?”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She (in a snarky tone): “Your family ISN”T there.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But that is for another article about how contempt is a roadblock to connection!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-91943785170964753052012-01-11T11:47:00.000-05:002012-01-11T15:21:46.117-05:00Learning to Argue with Respect<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Recently NPR had an article about how important it is for teens to learn to argue with their parents. Typically teenage arguments are comprised of screaming, yelling, slamming doors. I remember when my brother and I were teenagers, he actually threw his shoe through a wall while screaming at my parents.<br />
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<a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/01/03/144495483/why-a-teen-who-talks-back-may-have-a-bright-future?ft=3&f=111787346&sc=nl&cc=es-20120108">NPR's piece</a> takes the stand that a teen can learn to negotiate in adult life if his/her parents handle arguing with the teenager well. <br />
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I've been watching the five seasons of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_Night_Lights_(TV_series)">Friday Night Lights</a>, a wonderfully written and acted TV show that didn't catch on too well with the public. The show follows the drama of a football coach and his family through five seasons. In the process Coach Taylor and his wife Tami parent a teenage daughter, Julie. While Julie has her moments of yelling and slamming doors, for the most part, the interactions between her and her parents are filled with mutual respect. <br />
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The respect is there because Coach Taylor and Tami Taylor demonstrate throughout the series one of the best marriages I've ever seen in a TV series. They disagree, they disappoint each other, but they also fulfill each other and respect each other throughout each interaction. <br />
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One of the best examples of a respectful conversation with a teenage daughter occurs in Season Three, Episode 10 - "The Giving Tree." Julie and Tami have a perfect interaction of a respectful mother and daughter in discussion after Tami discovers that Julie is having sex with her boyfriend. Coach has an equally respectful conversation with Matt, Julie's boyfriend, in this episode as well.<br />
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While modeling respect provides a good foundation for effective arguing, communication skills involved in a respectful argument can be taught as well. <br />
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The basic elements of a good argument are mutual respect, good listening, and the ability and willingness to put yourself in the other person's shoes.<br />
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<li><b><span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">Mutual Respect:</span></b></li>
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A relationship which incorporates mutual respect has communication interactions that reflect this.<br />
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Sarcasm, contempt, or joking with the goal of poking at the other person are not demonstrative of respect. The dictionary defines respect as: "having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others." <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect">Wikipedia</a> says that contempt is the antonym of respect. When anything other than respect enters communication, then distancing results. <br />
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Remember that respect is conveyed not only by the words you choose but also by the tone of voice you use. Sarcasm, contempt and other distancing can be sensed if your voice tone reflects those emotions. A caring well-modulated tone of voice will serve well to send a message of respect.<br />
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Often in an argument, one is inclined to think of what you want to say next rather than to listen. Listening well requires that you take your attention out of your own head and focus on what the other person is saying. <br />
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An assertive way to demonstrate that one is listening is to say back to the other person what you heard him/her say or your interpretation of what you heard the other person say. <br />
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"So I understand from what you say that none of your friends have to be in by midnight."<br />
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Trying to stay aware of what the other person may feel as he/she speaks and listens during an argument will keep you connected to that person. Make comments that let the other person know you are trying to understand him/her in the course of the conversation. Even when you are on opposite sides of the fence, an empathic comment strengthens the connection between you and the person with whom you are arguing.</div>
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Example: "When you said that a curfew is unreasonable, you seemed angry that your dad and I want to set a limit about how long you can stay out on Friday."</div>
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Whatever the topic, try to end the argument on a note of mutual agreement:</div>
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"OK, so as I understand what we've talked about, we've agreed that your curfew will be 12:30 rather than midnight and that we'll try this out for a couple of weeks to see how it goes. Then we'll get back together and see if we need to change anything about this agreement."</div>
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Of course these principles of effective, assertive argument apply not only to talking with teenagers but also to conversations in daily life with anyone.</div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-84119388270550898812012-01-04T07:45:00.000-05:002012-01-24T09:26:32.781-05:00Speaking Up For Yourself Assertively: Assertiveness Class offered in Atlanta<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Making an effort to be more assertive is a common New Year's resolution. If this is your resolution or if you simply would like to learn more about speaking up for yourself, I am offering a face to face class in Atlanta on Saturday, February 4 from 9 - 12 at my office in Atlanta. </div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">What:
</span></b>A Class in Assertive
Communication<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Who:</span></b> Taught by Dr. Linda Tillman<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">When:
</span></b>Saturday, February 4 <o:p></o:p></div>
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9 AM - Noon<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Where:
</span></b>1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Atlanta,
GA <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">What you will experience: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="color: red;"><b> </b></span>Learn the basics of assertive communication</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Learn how to handle yourself assertively both verbally
and nonverbally</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span>Learn how to express anger assertively rather than
aggressively<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span>Learn how to negotiate assertively and effectively<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span>Learn how to give feedback clearly and respectfully<o:p></o:p></div>
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The group will be limited to
10 people</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-weight: bold;">How to register: </span><a href="http://speakupforyourself.blogspot.com/p/registration-form-for-february-4-2012.html">Click here</a></div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Cost: </b>$100 per person<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>Special discount: If you are coming with your partner or spouse, the total for the two of you is $160<br />
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We can accept payment by PayPal, credit card, or check</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com01904 Monroe Dr NE, Atlanta, GA 30324, USA33.807259 -84.37667533.80561 -84.3791425 33.808908 -84.374207500000011tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-87828818109914637612011-12-14T07:58:00.002-05:002011-12-14T13:58:32.422-05:00Speak Up Proactively - With a Smile<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span id="internal-source-marker_0.7166797555983067" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">An opportunity for advocating for yourself by speaking </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">up occurs every time you begin a new relationship with </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">any type of salesperson, an attorney, a mechanic, or a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">physician.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let's look at each of the above examples:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">The Salesperson</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How many of you have felt pressure from a salesperson?</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH6eJUAwLRmc9l7iJaW29vvhghSRFLJvYzDjaZWSWfkhtQ9VchB0KyMqdlyVDGd-YhmWpGM1uKTwq1AYx0ZddEmYvaMcHHi2iOd8UnCgC_VQYdGC-mZ5yCqpvxD56PXjbG-CmJOg/s1600/car+salesman.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH6eJUAwLRmc9l7iJaW29vvhghSRFLJvYzDjaZWSWfkhtQ9VchB0KyMqdlyVDGd-YhmWpGM1uKTwq1AYx0ZddEmYvaMcHHi2iOd8UnCgC_VQYdGC-mZ5yCqpvxD56PXjbG-CmJOg/s1600/car+salesman.JPG" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It seems to happen most to me when I am looking at large </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">appliances such as washer/dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And of course, it happens when you are attempting to </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">purchase a car.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Plan the limits you will set ahead of the visit to the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">store or the car lot. Sometimes it helps to speak to the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">salesperson before he/she speaks to you. As the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">salesperson approaches, you smile and say, "I'm just </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">looking."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If the salesperson says, "Let me show you the best </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">features of this xxxxxxxx," then you can say, "I'd like to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">know about the best features, but then I want some time to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">look around by myself. I'm only looking and don't plan to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">buy anything today."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then you smile again.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">The Attorney</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcTVXVgtZ5gPVgtps9EBIkh7P7LAHNrSHmXUzrfHUPHWaX7cJ0f7lCSxasuT1YERPlAknWYCWkYgAoX5Ldn8h9zfUguaLKzcVrYWoAS2svH3KAJZjJ_jH7exNK_cg5el2fIKMoLQ/s1600/attorney.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcTVXVgtZ5gPVgtps9EBIkh7P7LAHNrSHmXUzrfHUPHWaX7cJ0f7lCSxasuT1YERPlAknWYCWkYgAoX5Ldn8h9zfUguaLKzcVrYWoAS2svH3KAJZjJ_jH7exNK_cg5el2fIKMoLQ/s1600/attorney.JPG" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every attorney with whom I have met has a vast amount of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">knowledge about how I should be protecting myself in my </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">life. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of the difficulties of visiting an attorney is that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">often he/she has important information about other legal </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">issues you may need to take care of, other than the one for </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">which the appointment is made.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">However, I can get overwhelmed by the possibilities </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">of decisions to be made that were not on my agenda.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A proactive way to approach the attorney is to smile at </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the beginning of the appointment and say, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"I really appreciate all the ways you look out for me.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know your suggestions are usually ones I want to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">consider. However, today I would like to focus only on </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my will. If you have other areas in which you think you </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">can be of help to me, I'll write them down here on this </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">pad of paper and I can then make a later appointment to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">focus on them one at a time."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And of course, you smile, indicating that you feel pleasant about all of this.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">The Auto Mechanic</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxlXAy_MmM9KRNLkPQ5meTWFMB40b6WjKtN8dcfNZWXO38x_nevtuKEOYp8vmykkka1D_oZfP0rizKDUOQ3N0HSMdmcWZFPu3ZOonl8VqrSCg7rbSOS7Grj_nIaeJl2lLSiUbe9A/s1600/auto+mechanic2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxlXAy_MmM9KRNLkPQ5meTWFMB40b6WjKtN8dcfNZWXO38x_nevtuKEOYp8vmykkka1D_oZfP0rizKDUOQ3N0HSMdmcWZFPu3ZOonl8VqrSCg7rbSOS7Grj_nIaeJl2lLSiUbe9A/s1600/auto+mechanic2.JPG" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I take my car in for an oil change, the quick </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">change place I go to is frequently interested in selling </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me more than the basic oil change. After I learned this, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">now I don't even allow them to start their speech to convince </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As the salesperson approaches me with his/her head </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">shaking, saying, "Ma'am, you should let us do the super </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">luxurious deluxe oil change," </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I try to hear him as if he were simply making noise.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I smile and say, "All I need today is the basic oil </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">change."</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Usually he/she has evidence to support what I should do </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to my car - a fluid stick with a certain color that means </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">nothing to me, an air filter that has varying degrees of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">darkness in different areas. I don't know enough for </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">any of it to mean anything to me, so occasionally I may</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">actually need what the mechanic is pushing. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, if I am clear that my budget today only supports </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">an oil change, then I continue to smile pleasantly, and say, "All </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I need today is the basic oil change." </span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(I also make a mental note to check with my car dealer to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">see if what the mechanic is suggesting is something I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">should do in the future.)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">The Physician</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the first visit to a new physician, we each have a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">wonderful opportunity to state directly what we are needing. It's a time </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to consider exactly what would make you comfortable in</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the doctor's office.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of my private practice clients does not want to be pressured </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">about weight. She explained on the first visit that she </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">would prefer to weigh facing away from the numbers on the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">scale. She also requested that her weight not be mentioned </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">unless her health were in some way threatened. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another of my clients asked the physician on her first </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">visit if he would please explain his findings after she was </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">fully dressed. She felt demeaned to talk to the doctor about </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">her health while sitting naked under the paper gown on an </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">examining table.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Everyone doesn't need to make these two requests, but both of these are examples of advocating for yourself </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">with a physician. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Even if it is not your first visit to the physician, if you are uncomfortable about something </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">in the way your doctor's visits are handled, there is no time </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">like the present to bring it up with your physician.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Again as you make these requests, you smile as you speak because you are making a positive proactive request.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Speaking up to your salesperson, your attorney, your </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">mechanic or your physician are all moments to practice self-advocating skills.</span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-9025112280713414862011-12-06T23:26:00.001-05:002011-12-06T23:34:11.822-05:00An Assertive Person is not an Adversary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Speaking up for oneself in an assertive manner often brings to mind the image of two people warily circling each other, fists raised, prepared to strike. Each person wants to get his/her way.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In fact, the most effective assertiveness is <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">not adversarial at all</span></b>. The most effective way of speaking up involves connecting with or joining the other person.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Without engaging in connecting, a person may use perfect assertive language and still be deeply involved in a power struggle. In the book, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1653257351">Getting to Yes</a></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0143118757?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=0143118757">,</a> Fisher and Ury call this <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">"positional bargaining."</span> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Imagine two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired! Getting into a power struggles uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Connecting in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Expressing yourself with empathy</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Looking for areas of agreement</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Staying open to different options for mutual gain</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc4125; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Expressing yourself with empathy </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If my friend and I are working on a project together and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting outside of work hours on the project, I might say: "We both have so many responsibilities outside of work. I know it must be hard for you to imagine our working past regular hours with children as young as yours."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I say this, I am trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; white-space: pre-wrap;">When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc4125; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Looking for areas of agreement</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Listening well to the other person is the key to finding areas of agreement.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"It sounds like both of us agree that this is a high priority project."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to do it outside of regular business hours?" </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens. The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc4125; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Staying open to options for mutual gain</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team. The process of determining mutual gain starts the minute this type of negotiation begins. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem is </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc4125; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">brainstorming</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible. The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain. If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0688132855?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=0688132855">Little Blue and Little Yellow</a></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow. When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected. In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow. Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color: Green!</span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-14723285759011087072011-11-29T22:31:00.001-05:002011-11-30T08:31:04.002-05:00Every Word Counts<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><b><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”This is probably stupid, but....”</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I know I should have understood this, but....”</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Could I interrupt you.....”</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well, I was just wondering if.......”</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Do you mind if I ask you a question?.....”</span></b></i><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For twenty-five years I have been teaching people to speak up for themselves. In addition both in my life as a psychologist and in my life as a Master Beekeeper, I give talks and workshops very frequently throughout any given year.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those five ways of starting a question occur over and over in my audiences and in my classes.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you start the contact with the other person in a weak or uncertain way, you lose ground and lose power. The above phrases either put down the person asking the question or give all the power to the person answering the question.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><b><i>Putting yourself down as you ask the question</i></b></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”This is probably stupid, but....”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I know I should have understood this, but....”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Beginning with a self put-down tells the listener that he/she shouldn’t bother to hear what you have to say. You have already labeled yourself negatively and thus set an image in the listener’s mind.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you start with a self-blaming statement (“I know I should have understood this...”) you let the person you address off of the hook too easily. If a teacher or a lecturer has not made something perfectly clear to you, then it is possible that the explanation or the speech was lacking enough specificity rather than that you “should have understood.”</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Asking for permission to ask</span></i></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Could I interrupt you.....”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well, I was just wondering if.......”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Do you mind if I ask you a question?.....”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First, this is a waste of everyone’s time. If you ask out loud if it’s OK for you to interrupt, you have already interrupted. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In addition these beginning phrases are just fillers that don’t add to the effectiveness of what you have to say. The listener has to</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wait until you are through with the question about whether you can ask a question</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Answer yes to the question about asking the question</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Keep listening to find out what the real question is</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Valuable time is lost and often the person whom you are addressing will feel frustrated, and will wonder, “Will he/she ever get to the point?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Listening and answering questions well is an art. If we want to get the best from the person we are questioning, the most effective way is to get right to the real question.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Second, when you are asking permission to ask, you are taking away from your power. From the beginning you are putting the ball in the other person’s court. You are saying, “I think you are so powerful that I even have to give you the power to tell me whether or not I can speak.” You lose the respect of the listener by having not enough respect for yourself.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Importance of nonverbals</i></span></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you ask a question, remember to be aware of how you handle yourself nonverbally. Your voice should be firm and your speech should be easy to hear. Your voice tone should go down at the end of your sentences, symbolically anchoring your words.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Setting the tone for the relationship</i></span></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you ask a question in a public place, you are setting an image of yourself for everyone in the room. If you ask a question in a one on one setting, you are creating an impression for the person answering that will color any future dealings you have with this person.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I once taught a class in the Evening at Emory community education program called: “Dating: An Adventure for Grown-ups.” In this class the students learned that every single thing that happens on a first date is important. Every word that is spoken tells you something about the speaker. Every nonverbal act teaches you something about the other person’s way of being in the world. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the movie<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098635/"> When Harry Met Sally</a>, we learned about Sally’s character from the way she ordered food in a restaurant. She was very specific, “I want my apple pie heated with ice cream on the side, but if you can’t heat it, I don’t want the ice cream at all.” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Note: She doesn’t say, “Would it be OK if my pie is heated? And I was wondering if you would mind putting the ice cream on the side?”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Harry, the waiter, and the audience all learn from her manner in the restaurant that Sally is a strong person with particular ways of doing things. We learn from her nonverbals (she looks the waiter in the eye and makes strong hand gestures as she speaks) that she will be “a person to be reckoned with,” as the old saying goes.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The same idea applies in a business setting. When you interact with another person, as one does when one asks a question, you are entering into a relationship with the other person for that moment. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you begin the relationship by speaking in a deferent way, giving all the power to the other person, you indicate to him/her that you will put his/her wishes ahead of yours. This sets you up to be dominated. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you begin the relationship with mutual respect, the scene is set for each of you to be considered a valuable part of the interaction.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Practice so that the next time you ask a question, there can be no doubt that you feel as much respect for yourself as you do for the other person.</span></span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-18426780245544656282011-11-13T14:05:00.001-05:002011-11-13T14:10:50.411-05:00Using Assertiveness to Build Your Business<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span id="internal-source-marker_0.5710744000971317" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Atlantans call a taxi for two reasons: to get to the airport or to have a designated driver for an evening out. We don’t use taxis as a basic mode of transportation like people do in other big cities like New York or Washington, DC. So we usually call, rather than hail, taxis when we need them. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I like my house to look occupied by leaving my car parked in the driveway when I go out of town. I also don’t like paying the $8 a day parking fee charged by <a href="http://www.itsmarta.com/">MARTA</a> (the rail/bus service here) or the high parking fees at the airport. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So when I went to Santa Fe for a professional conference a couple of weeks ago, I called a taxi to take me to the MARTA station (to go to the airport). I had a cab company I used a lot when I lived on the northside of the city, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Su Taxi</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, but now I live in Virginia Highlands in Midtown Atlanta and needed a different cab company. I googled cabs for my area and called </span><a href="http://www.atlantalenoxtaxi.com/"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Atlanta Lenox Cab </span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">company.</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The nicest man picked me up in his clean-as-a-whistle van with seat belts that worked. His name was Keiros and we had a lovely conversation about NPR on the way to the <a href="http://www.itsmarta.com/ns-mid-overview.aspx">Midtown MARTA</a> station.</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As he pulled up to the station, he told me the fare and handed me his business card. “When you come back on Sunday, call me from the airport MARTA station and I’ll be here when you get to Midtown to take you home,” he said. I was impressed with his assertiveness; I had his number in my cell phone from his call to let me know he was outside my house; I liked his basic approach. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He was clearly an assertive person, building his business.</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So at the end of the week when I arrived at the Atlanta airport on Sunday, I called him from the MARTA train. “I can’t meet you today because I have a client right now,” he said, “but I have a friend who will be there.” </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Indeed, when I stepped out of the MARTA station, a nice man with his cab was there, walking toward me, saying “Miss Leenda???” as I approached him. He told me that Keiros has a large number of people who call him regularly and if he can’t pick them up, he passes them on to his friends who are also cab drivers. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Last weekend I went to DC to visit my daughter. Again, I called Keiros who was at my house with his van right at 6:30 AM to pick me up. We had a nice conversation about Ethiopian restaurants in Atlanta. Again he assertively said, “Call me when you return on Sunday, and I’ll pick you up or send someone else, if I can’t”</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I called when I got home to Atlanta, and he was waiting for me when I stepped out of the midtown MARTA station. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He clearly knows how to build his business using assertiveness. As he drove me to my house this time, I apologetically noted that I would not be going out of town again until early December. “Oh, call me for any reason,” he said. “I’ll drive you to restaurants, the theater, any time you’d like not to take your car.” </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a bonus, nothing to do with driving a cab, he also said to call him when I got ready to go to </span><a href="http://www.destaethiopiankitchen.com/"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Desta Kitchen</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, his favorite Atlanta Ethiopian restaurant and he would tell me what to order!</span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Keiros is a great example of someone using assertiveness to build their business. I don’t like too much uncertainty in my life and it feels great to know I have a responsible (and very assertive) cab driver available for me when I need him. And all because he was assertive about building his business and provided a high quality service in what he does.</span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-58874395280011143472011-11-09T11:43:00.001-05:002011-11-09T13:21:15.066-05:00Depression and The Impact of Choices<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
One way we demonstrate assertiveness is to make a choice for ourselves. Dr. Barry Schwartz on the TED talks makes the point that we are so overwhelmed with choices that we can not feel good about any choice we make. <br />
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Because choices in today's world may seem infinite in so many categories, even when one makes a "good" choice, there remains the doubt that another of the myriad of "good" choices might have been a better one.<br />
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This makes people depressed about themselves and their self-confidence and sends them to my office for therapy.<br />
<br />
When my children were little, Captain Kangaroo used to read a book by Nancy Willard (illustrated by Tomie dePaola) called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/059048270X?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=059048270X">Simple Pictures are Best</a>. It's a story about a farmer and his wife who were trying to get a picture taken by a photographer. By the time they put everything in the picture that they wanted to include (the dog, the cow, the mouse, the horse, etc.), the photographer was so far away from his subjects that they were tiny dots on the hill. The farmer and his wife were afraid to choose to leave anything or anyone out of the picture.<br />
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Narrowing down choices can be threatening and depressing.<br />
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I invite you to listen to Barry Schwartz's delightful and insightful talk on choices and depression. He has also <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060005696?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=0060005696">written a book</a> about this.<br />
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-79213690482912070272011-10-24T09:40:00.000-04:002011-10-24T10:53:49.605-04:00Assertive Letter to Department of Revenue<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The various tax collecting agencies can easily send me in an assertive letter writing direction. This year my correspondence came from the Georgia Department of Revenue.<br />
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Their letter, complete with columns of numbers comparing what my tax return said I paid, what they show that they received, and the difference, is designed to demonstrate to me how I have made an egregious accounting error. <br />
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My check to them was for $1.00 less than my accountant reported on my tax forms, so rather than confuse the process for next year, I sent $1.00 to the state of Georgia, leaving my overpay from 2010 to apply to 2011.<br />
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What I wonder is how they could have $<strike>XX,XXX</strike> dollars floating around and not recognize an accounting problem on their part?<br />
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I feel angry that I have to take my time to ask the bank for a copy of the check front and back (it's done by email but still takes time); that I have to write this letter; and that I have to recognize how poorly accounting may be handled by my state. However, it will do me no good to be angry in my response to the state. <br />
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<b>In many assertive opportunities, it's more important to be assertive respectfully than it is worth it to be angry.</b><br />
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So I wrote them an assertive letter <b>simply</b> reporting the facts to correct their error. The key word here is <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">SIMPLE</span></b> - when you are writing government agencies about money, always simply list facts and then what you would like to occur as a result of the facts you are reporting:<br />
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
To Whom it My Concern:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I am in receipt of your letter dated 10/17/2011. Your letter fails to include the taxes I paid
on April 15 in anticipation of an extension.
I am enclosing a copy front and back of my check for $<strike>XXXXX</strike> which was
cashed by you on April 25, 2011. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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I apparently owe you $1.00 which I am enclosing a check
to cover.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Because my taxes were paid on time and in a timely way
with an excess overpaid to apply to next year, I do not owe you the penalty and
interest which you have assessed. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Please find enclosed a check for $1.00 and a copy of my
check cashed by you for $<strike>XXXXX</strike>.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Thank you for clearing up this matter,</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Linda D Tillman, PhD</div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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If you write the IRS or your state department of revenue, you always enclose your SSN, which I did, but that is not apparent in my copy for you of this letter. Also because I moved in 2011, I put my old and new address below my signature in case that is the source of their error (although my SSN stayed the same????).</div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-62216081055599797172011-10-11T22:12:00.000-04:002011-10-11T22:14:00.591-04:00Agreement: A Key Element in Negotiating in Couples' Relationships and in Everyday Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Power struggles derail many assertive negotiations. In such a struggle, the two negotiators each try to win. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As in a child's tug of war, no one wins a power struggle. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You remember tug of war, I'm sure. Usually the loser is pulled into the mud as the winner tugs him/her over the line. And how does the winner fare? The winner usually also falls flat on his/her back with the effort. Everyone ends up hurt in some way or another.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Finding an Area of Agreement:</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The most effective way to avoid the power struggle is to find an area of agreement. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is a typical marital power struggle:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "Sam, are you going to wash the dishes?"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sam: <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I did them last night and I want to watch the Braves game."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "I really had a hard day and I'm exhausted. I don't want to do the</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> dishes. I just want to sit down and put my feet up."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sam: <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> "Well, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>I'm</b></i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> not going to wash all those dishes."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "Well, I'm not either, so there."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">These two are in a power struggle, each trying not to "lose." At this point, you are probably wondering, "Can this marriage be saved?"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If these two had the agenda of arriving at an area of agreement, then the whole discussion could have been simpler and would not have turned into a power struggle.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "Sam, there sure are a lot of dirty dishes tonight."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sam: <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"There really are and I don't want to do them....I want to watch the</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Braves game."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "Sounds like neither one of us wants to do them." </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sam: <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> "I sure can agree with that."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "Well, since we both agree that neither of us wants to do the dishes, how can we get this awful task over with so you can watch the game and I can sit down and put my feet up?"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sam:<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> "Maybe we could load the dishwasher together and then do the pots and pans tomorrow."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Susan: "That would work for me - let's get started."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the above version, Susan and Sam work for an agreement rather than trying to win a power struggle. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Walk around the first roadblock to reach agreement</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If finding an area of agreement seems difficult, see if you can go around the roadblock and start the search for agreement several steps into the argument.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Years ago in my hometown of Natchez, Mississippi, the library board and my father, Dr. Clifford Tillman, a member of the board, decided that Natchez needed a new library. When the idea of a new library was proposed to the citizens, a power struggle ensued: did the town need a new library or not? </span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The idea of building of a new library "lost" the power struggle. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My father waited several months for the furor to die down. Then he wrote a letter to the editor of the <a href="http://www.natchezdemocrat.com/">Natchez Democrat</a>, proposing that the new library for Natchez should be built behind what was then <a href="http://www.stmarybasilica.org/">St. Mary's Cathedral</a> (a building over 100 years old) in Confederate Memorial Park. All of the ancient trees in the park would have to be cut down to accomplish this.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A huge discussion began among the citizens as to <b>where</b> the new library should be built - certainly the trees should not be cut down! So the process began of reaching an agreement about WHERE the new library should be built and the issue of SHOULD Natchez have a new library never resurfaced. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A Natchez citizen donated land and Natchez now has a lovely library.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My father effectively skipped the step of whether Natchez should have a new library and thus avoided the power struggle. The discussion he began centered on finding an area of agreement about the location of the new library.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: transparent;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Work toward agreement instead of working toward winning and your negotiations will go much better whether in your couple's relationship or in your work with others.</span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-64590436714728679132011-09-27T15:08:00.006-04:002011-09-27T15:17:42.193-04:00Assumptions in Couples' Communication<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a marriage where the two people have divided the household tasks and one of his tasks is to take out the garbage:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She says: “Honey, would you take out the trash?”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.” </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">An hour later she notices that the trash is still spilling out of the trashcan and she feels angry. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She criticizes him for his lack of cooperation. He is amazed. He was going to take out the trash. She didn’t give him half a chance.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What is the problem here? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: bold; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Communication</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, of course. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When he said, “A couple of minutes,” she </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">assumed</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 2 minutes. He </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">meant</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> he would do it in a little while when he got a break.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Clarification of assumptions can make all the difference in the world. Asking for clarification is an assertive act.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div><div style="background-color: transparent;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How the scene could have gone differently:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She says, “Honey, would you take out the trash?”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She says, “It’s falling out of the trash can and I’m really frustrated. When you say “a couple of minutes” do you mean two minutes or do you mean something else?”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He says, “Actually I meant I’d get around to it when I’m through with what I’m working on, but if it’s bothering you that much, I’ll take it out right now.” </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No anger, no fight, and all was resolved because she took the time to be assertive and to clarify the assumption she was making.</span><br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Many times when couples come into my office the basis of their struggle is communication. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Listen for assumptions in your conversations and strive to clarify the assumptions you are making. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Even if you take these issues to therapy, you’ll be steps ahead by gaining awareness of the assumptions you each may be making.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let me know what assumptions you find yourself making and how it works out for you when you clarify.</span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-35177496903207904872011-05-01T22:59:00.003-04:002011-05-01T23:02:05.384-04:00I SEE What you Mean: Sensory Modes in Communication<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent;"><span id="internal-source-marker_0.16893459716811776" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Connecting with others in the process of speaking up involves not only using the language of assertiveness but also understanding the subtle modes of communication which we all employ when speaking. Each of us has a preferred learning mode. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think about what is the best learning mode for you. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<ul><li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: disc; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you a person who remembers more if you hear what you need to learn? </span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: disc; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you someone who learns best through visual learning – reading, watching a film, or seeing pictures of how to do something? </span></li>
<li style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: disc; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you someone who learns best if you have a hands on approach and someone assists you as you try something new? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></li>
</ul><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Each of us is different and we each learn best in one of these modes. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In addition I am more likely to speak in the mode in which I am most comfortable. For example if I am a visual person, then I might say, “I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>SEE</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> what you mean.” Or I might say “This explanation is not </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>CLEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to me.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I am a more auditory person, then I might say, “I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>HEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> what you’re saying.” Or I might say, “That </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>SOUNDS</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> just right for me.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I am a more touch oriented person, I might say, “I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>GET</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> it.” Or “I keep </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>BUMPING</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> into a problem when I try to do this.” I might also say, “ I have the solution right at my </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>FINGERTIPS</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most people are capable of moving between modes and using visual sometimes, auditory other times, etc. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br />
</span></div><div style="background-color: transparent;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At moments of stress we tend to communicate in the mode in which we are most comfortable.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Being aware of sensory modes of communication helps in an assertive negotiation. Notice the other person’s mode of communication. Once you have determined if the person to whom you are speaking is more visual, auditory or kinesthetic (touch as primary sensory modality), then try to match the mode they are using.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">********************************************</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let’s say that you are talking with your co-worker, Bob, about his work on a project on which the two of you are doing teamwork: </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>You</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: “Bob, we need to talk about our presentation. I want to land this client’s account.”</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bob</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: “Well, I’m </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>LOOKING</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at a pile on my desktop and I can’t see the bottom of it. I don’t think I can </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>SEE </i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my way </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>CLEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to work on the presentation today.”</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">You</span></b>: (Pausing and noticing his visual words: See, Clear, Looks) “Bob, I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>SEE</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> what you <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>mean. You do </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>APPEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to have a desk full of work. However, we can persuade this <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>client to join us if we make our position very </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>CLEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to our clients. I, for one, would like to <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>SEE that happen.”</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bob:</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> “So you want me to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>LOOK</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at the presentation booklet as a priority?”</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>You</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: “Yes, I would like our presentation booklet to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>APPEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> quite </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>CLEAR</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to our client so <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>they can </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>SEE</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> our </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>VISION</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of what we could do for them.”</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bob</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: “OK, then where should we start? What can I contribute to the presentation to <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>make it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>LOOK</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> great to our client?”</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">********************************************</span></div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Note: This moment of agreement came about quite quickly because you discovered what sensory modality is the most comfortable for Bob and talked to him in the mode in which he is most likely to feel understood. He may not have any idea that you have used this method of communicating, but you are saved from a prolonged discussion.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your desired results can be easily achieved if you stay in awareness of the sensory modality employed by the person with whom you need to negotiate.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Speaking up for yourself is most effective if you are connected with the other person rather than in a tug of war with them. Observing others and determining what mode is the most frequently used by them will help you in your efforts to speak up. Using the comfort mode of the other person adds to his/her feeling of connection with you.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> A great book on this subject is: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0735200890?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=0735200890">The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work</a> by Suzette Elgin, PhD. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another useful, although out of print, book is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000H2REWS?ie=UTF8&tag=speakupforyourse&linkCode=xm2&camp=1789&creativeASIN=B000H2REWS">Frogs Into Princes</a> by Richard Bandler.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let me know how paying attention to sensory modes of communication affects your assertive interactions with others.</span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-33158812041833585302011-03-25T14:00:00.001-04:002011-03-25T21:54:38.760-04:00A Question is Asked: Is An Answer Required?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent;"><span id="internal-source-marker_0.10619787801988423" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When a question is posed to most of us, we feel compelled to answer it. It is as if a question is actually a demand that an answer be given.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We are trapped. We MUST answer.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No, no, no. You ALWAYS have a choice. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a story in Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore the old grey donkey, loses his tail. When Christopher Robin finds it, the tail is acting as a bell pull for the door to Owl's hollow tree. There is also a door knocker for the door. A very wise note is found between the two:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;"><b>PLES RING IF AN RNSER IS REQIRD. PLEZ CNOKE IF AN RNSR IS NOT REQUID</b></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How perfect - I love the concept that an answer might not be required or REQUID, as it were.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here are three alternatives to try when a question is asked and our choice is NOT TO ANSWER it. </span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Change the subject:</span></b></span></li>
</ul><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Indirectly</span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: Ignore the question and simply change the subject.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This happens in the movies and soap operas all the time. The writers are anxious for you to stay glued to your seat until the very end so frequently they pose questions to which no answer is given. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Example</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Tom (in a desperate voice): "Jeremy, did you see which way he went?"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Jeremy, looking out the window: "I always loved the way she wore her hair...."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jeremy changes the subject without blinking an eye. Actually in this example, the subject change is helped by LACK OF EYE CONTACT. Sometimes the nonverbal act of avoiding eye contact with the questioner disrupts the connection enough that the subject change is hardly noticed.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Directly</span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: Use an assertive statement to change the subject.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For example, use a simple "I want" statement:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"I want to talk about something else. I'd like to discuss where we are going to dinner tonight."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Notice that in a direct change of subject, you DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY your change of subject. Simply state a preference. Nonverbally in this example, be careful to make sure that your voice goes down in tone at the end of the sentence.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Use Empathy, but Don't Answer the Question</span></b></span></li>
</ul><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Using empathy keeps the other person from being cut off from you by your choice not to answer the question. The other person at least feels your effort to make a connection even though you are not cooperating by answering.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the following example, the first part of the statement is EMPATHIC and the second part is a SIMPLE ASSERTION not to answer the question.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"I know you are curious about my decision to do XXXXX and I'm sure it is difficult for you not to get the information you want, BUT I would prefer to talk about the weather, the</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">latest book you've read, or the news of the day."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Again notice that you do not need to justify your decision not to answer the question. You simply state a preference.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Directly Confront the Other Person, but Don't Answer the Question</span></b></span></li>
</ul><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I would use this method if a person continues to push you to answer something about which you would prefer not to talk to him/her. You will employ a firmer tone of voice in this example because you want to send the nonverbal signal: DROP IT and your voice tone can add to the strength of what you are saying.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Example: You have been trying to have a baby for years now with no luck. You are at a family gathering where your cousin, let's call her Jan, who has five children herself </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">asks you for the fifteenth time: "When are you and Sam going to start your family? Better not wait too long."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You say, "Jan, this is an uncomfortable subject for me. I have asked you not to bring it up, but you do, every time we get together. I am not going to discuss this with you and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">would appreciate it if you would honor my request not to bring it up."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Remember, a question asked does not REQUIRE an answer. You have a choice to respond or not to respond. If you choose not to answer the question, you do not need to justify that choice.</span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-86687361026702887212011-02-23T22:15:00.003-05:002011-02-23T22:44:19.478-05:00The Power Struggle - A Losing Battle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div style="background-color: transparent; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In many couples, an ongoing power struggle is what brings them to therapy. One wants to change the other and the other won’t change. It’s a losing battle for both people.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A power struggle is just like a tug of war. In a literal tug of war two teams take either end of a rope. Each team tries to pull the other team across a line drawn between them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The winner is the team who pulls the other team across the line. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In fact in a tug of war, everyone loses. The “losers” usually fall on their faces as they are dragged across the line. The “winners” also land on their rear ends as they fall backward, pulling the other team over.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When a couple in such a power struggle sits in my office, I am often reminded of the last scene in the old movie </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">War Games</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> with Matthew Broderick (it was his first movie). The computer in charge of nuclear missiles is out of control. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Although the computer is programmed to play a game called Global Thermonuclear War, in fact the computer has armed the actual missiles that will start a world war. The computer’s inventor and the Broderick character try to teach the computer that war is a bad idea. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They teach the computer to play Tic-Tac-Toe. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you know how to play Tic-Tac-Toe and are playing with someone who also knows the game, then every game will end up in a draw without a winner. The computer plays simulated game after game of Tic-Tac-Toe in a frenzy and of course, never wins. Then the computer moves to playing “thermonuclear war” working out each scenario that is in its program. Each scene ends with the words on the screen: Winner: NONE.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Suddenly the computer stops everything and declares: “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The only winning move is not to play.</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While that is true for nuclear war, it is also true that in a relationship power struggle, the only winning move is not to play. In other words, if you don’t engage in a power struggle, your communication with your partner is much more likely to arrive at a resolution with which both of you can be comfortable.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The only hope for getting out of a power struggle is to find an area of agreement with the other person and build from there. For example, if you and your partner are in conflict over your long commute to work in Atlanta, the power struggle can be avoided in this way:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You: “Can we both agree that the long commute to work is boring and stressful?”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Other: “Yes, I hate it.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You: “OK so we both agree that the commute leaves a lot to be desired. Let’s brainstorm some ideas about how to lower the stress of the commute for us every day.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Other: “OK, but I don’t think there’s a good answer.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You: “Let’s just throw out ideas without judging them until we can’t think of any more.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Other: “Well, we could listen to books on tape.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You: “How about putting "move inside the perimeter" on the list.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Other: “How about finding someone to carpool with so we wouldn’t have to drive every day.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You: “I’d like to spend less time in the car - but MARTA doesn’t come out this far.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you run out of ideas, then each of you pick your favorite two ideas from the combined list. See if the two of you can join on coming up with the strengths of each idea, no matter who contributed it.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you get stuck or find a power struggle starting up again, return to the most recent area of agreement, “Well, I don’t want to struggle about that - I believe the last thing we agreed on is that we would discuss moving, carpooling, and looking for neighborhoods closer in but not all the way intown. Let's go back to that.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Any time a power struggle starts, it is a losing battle. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The only way to win is not to play</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Note: If you’d like to see the clip from the scene in the movie </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">War Garmes</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHWjlCaIrQo"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000099; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you can find it here</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27400820.post-58710108607124080602011-02-09T23:56:00.005-05:002011-02-10T00:02:05.850-05:00You Never Know Unless You Try<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Being assertive takes a lot of practice. Like any skill, the more you practice, the better you will be at using assertive skills and the more you practice, the more comfortable and natural it will become to use assertive communication.<br />
<br />
I own a "jig" for building frames to use in the beehive. A "jig" according to <a href="http://www.m-w.com/">Merriam Webster</a> is:<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;"><br />
"Definition of <em style="font-style: normal;">JIG</em></span><br />
<div class="sblk"><div class="snum" style="float: left; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c;">1</span></div><div class="scnt" style="margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 20px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c;"><span class="ssens"><em class="sn" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;">a</em> <strong>:</strong> any of several lively springy dances in triple rhythm</span><span class="ssens"><span class="break" style="display: block; height: 10px;"></span><em class="sn" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;">b</em> <strong>:</strong> music to which a jig may be danced</span></span></div></div><div class="sblk"><div class="snum" style="float: left; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c;">2</span></div><div class="scnt" style="margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 20px;"><span class="ssens" style="color: #134f5c;"><strong>:</strong> <a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trick" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">trick</a>, <a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/game" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">game</a> —used chiefly in the phrase <em>the jig is up</em></span></div></div><div class="sblk"><div class="snum" style="float: left; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c;">3</span></div><div class="scnt" style="margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 20px;"><span class="ssens" style="color: #134f5c;"><em class="sn" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;">a</em> <strong>:</strong> any of several fishing devices that are jerked up and down or drawn through the water</span><span class="ssens"><span class="break" style="color: #134f5c; display: block; height: 10px;"></span><em class="sn" style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;">b</em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c;"> </span><strong style="color: #134f5c;">:</strong><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #134f5c;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">a device used to maintain mechanically the correct positional relationship between a piece of work and the tool or between parts of work during assembly</span></b></span><span class="ssens" style="color: #134f5c;"><span class="break" style="display: block; height: 10px;"></span><em class="sn" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold;">c</em> <strong>:</strong> a device in which crushed ore is concentrated or coal is cleaned by agitating in water"</span><br />
<span class="ssens" style="color: #134f5c;"><br />
</span></div><div class="scnt" style="margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 20px;"><span class="ssens">It's quite difficult to build frames for the beehive. Each one takes ten nails and involves turning the frame upside down and sideways to accomplish the task. Having a device that maintains the correct position of the frame for nailing it together is a real time saver.<br />
</span><br />
In 2010 I ordered what's called a "<a href="http://www.kelleybees.com/CMS/CMSPage.aspx?redirect=n-3-647420ee-f810-4902-b84a-32ae1c56af19">frame nailing device</a>" from <a href="http://www.kelleybees.com/cms/cmspage.aspx?redirect=n-3-7220bb21-848d-4040-837b-bc82c2e38204">Walter T. Kelley</a>. The device is a time saver because it holds the end bars of the frames in position so that the construction person can nail ten top bars onto the endbars at once. They you turn the device over and nail the bottom bars onto the endbars.<br />
<br />
If you have put the endbars in upside down, then when all the frames are completely nailed you can't remove them from the jig.<br />
<br />
And wouldn't you know it, I've lost my set of directions and I don't want to construct ten frames and have to take them apart because I put the endbars in upside down.<br />
<br />
So Saturday, in my best assertive fashion, I called the Walter T. Kelley company and asked if they could mail or email me a set of the directions. Since in good assertive communication, one must provide the relative facts, this is what I said:<br />
<br />
"My name is Linda Tillman and I ordered a frame nailing device from you in February 2010. I can't find my record of the purchase, but I'm sure you have it in your computer if you would look it up. I have lost my direction page and I remember that I did the first ten frames upside down and had to take them apart because I couldn't get them out of the frame nailing device. I'd like to get another copy of the directions for using this device. Could you mail them or email them to me?"<br />
<br />
The woman I spoke to said that they could not do that on the weekend but that she would leave a note for someone to take care of it on Monday.<br />
<br />
I worried about this and decided that I needed to continue to exercise my assertiveness. I haven't heard from <a href="http://www.kelleybees.com/cms/cmspage.aspx?redirect=n-3-7220bb21-848d-4040-837b-bc82c2e38204">Walter T. Kelley</a> company so far this week and it's Wednesday. Anything mailed or emailed on Monday from Kentucky (where they are located) to Atlanta should already be here.<br />
<br />
I picked up the phone this afternoon and called again. I had an identical conversation with another woman. "Of course we can send them to you," she said. "I can mail them easier than I can email them. Can I confirm your address?" I gave it to her.<br />
<br />
We had a nice connection with each other and shared a few laughs about building frames upside down and having them stuck in the device. Because I was assertive and because we had a nice conversation with each other, I am quite confident that my directions will arrive shortly.<br />
<br />
Little moments like this are simply small practices in being assertive. Noticing them is important because I know both that my persistence and my assertiveness are going to prevent my making a nailing error when I build 100 or so frames next weekend.<br />
<br />
Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it.</div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0