Speaking Up For Yourself Assertively: Assertiveness Class offered in Atlanta

Making an effort to be more assertive is a common New Year's resolution.  If this is your resolution or if you simply would like to learn more about speaking up for yourself, I am offering a face to face class in Atlanta on Saturday, February 4 from 9 - 12 at my office in Atlanta.  

What:  A Class in Assertive Communication

Who:  Taught by Dr. Linda Tillman

When:  Saturday, February 4

                   9 AM - Noon

Where:  1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Atlanta, GA    

What you will experience:

  Learn the basics of assertive communication

  Learn how to handle yourself assertively both verbally and nonverbally

·             Learn how to express anger assertively rather than aggressively

·             Learn how to negotiate assertively and effectively

·             Learn how to give feedback clearly and respectfully

The group will be limited to 10 people

How to register:  Click here

Cost:  $100 per person

*Special discount:  If you are coming with your partner or spouse, the total for the two of you is $160

We can accept payment by PayPal, credit card, or check

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey.....

Many people think that being assertive means getting your way no matter what. This is not the definition of being assertive.

In fact, being assertive means being tuned into the other person and approaching that person with a respectful comment or request in an effort to make your point or to influence the occurrence of a needed change.

If you think of the other person as someone with whom you want to join in order to effect a change, then out comes the honey. As a beekeeper, I love the expression: “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…” While apparently science experiments show that sweet balsamic vinegar will catch more flies than honey will, in our folksy sayings in this country, honey wins out.

In an assertive interaction, you use honey to effect the change by employing empathy with the other person as well as trying to imagine what he or she might want out of the situation.

Recently Atlanta had a paralysis brought about by a snowstorm followed by a period of five days or temperatures well below freezing. The snow all turned to ice within 24 hours and the city came to a standstill. We had a major snow like this in March, 1993 (known as the Storm of the Century) and in January, 1982 (known as SnowJam '82), if I remember correctly.

Atlanta is in the deep south and it is not a cost effective plan for the city to own a lot of snow removal equipment which is needed once every ten years or so.   So with resources stretched to the limits, many city streets were not cleared throughout the five days of the ice.  Angry people were interviewed on the news and I am sure people made furious, aggressive calls demanding that their street be cleared.

I am part of a huge neighborhood e-blast group and an e-blast went out early in the week, explaining how to report a street that needed scraping to the Department of Public Works.

My friend called the number given for the Department of Public Works and let them know that she imagined they were being swamped with calls for street clearing.  She probably said something like, “I imagine you all are overwhelmed with people wanting their street scraped, so I’m sure hearing from me is an echo of many calls you’ve already had.  It must be difficult to talk to so many frustrated people.” 

After listening to my friend, the person on the other end would have felt like my friend connected with him/her and understood the frustration brought by all the angry callers.  Her comment was empathic and recognized the stress these people must have been under during those days.

Then she put in her request:  “My street is a cut through to Roswell Road (a major road in Atlanta) and cars are slipping all over my street.  I’m sure it would help the situation for people trying to get to Roswell Road if you would scrape my street.”

Her street was scraped and passable the next day. 

You can catch more flies with honey….. 

Michelle and Merced: An Assertiveness Triumph

The students of the University of California at Merced wanted to invite Michelle Obama to speak at their graduation. It seemed difficult - this was their first graduation and there were only 500 graduates at this start-up university. They were undaunted and decided to speak up for themselves to reach their goal.

One of their most effective ways to speak up was to create a You-Tube video:



They set up a Facebook page for their "Dear Michelle" campaign and created a template for the letter they hoped the students would write to request that our First Lady speak to their graduation. Here's an example of one of the letters.

The key throughout the effort to speak up and ask Michelle Obama to be the commencement speaker was the use of RESPECT. You'll notice in the sample letter linked in the previous paragraph, that respect for her time and schedule is noted as the request is made.

Respect is the key to effective assertiveness. In this effort, however, respect was only one component. The students persevered with letter writing, Valentines, and video media to emphasize both their request and the importance of getting their wish granted.

They succeeded in their great effort to speak up for themselves and on May 16, Michelle Obama spoke at their graduation!

Romantic Assertiveness

At Thanksgiving my youngest daughter flew to Charlottesville, Va. From Atlanta that means that you fly to Charlotte, NC and get on a smaller plane (about a 40 seater) to go the rest of the way. As the small plane approached Charlottesville, a military man took the microphone that the staff uses.

He said, "I need 12 people on this plane to help me ask my girlfriend to marry me! Raise your hand if you are willing to help me."

This assertive request was met with 12 volunteers, including my daughter.

The man had 12 roses and he wanted each of the volunteers to carry a rose out to hand to his soon-to-be-fiance. He would come after the roses had been delivered and propose to her.

My daughter and another girl were the first two and had to determine who this right girl was. The man showed them a picture of her and told them her name.

They studied the crowd as they got off of the plane and decided that they knew who the girl was. They walked up to her. "Are you XXX?" they asked. When she said, "Yes," they each handed her a rose.

One after another the people exited the plane and each handed a rose to this astonished girl. Most of rose-deliverers hung around to see the end of the story. Finally after all the roses had been delivered, the military man came off of the plane, dropped to his knee and asked her to marry him.

I asked my daughter if the girl said yes. "Mother!" she said, "Of course she did."

Buzzing Around a Bee Problem

For the past two years I have chaired a committee for the Metro Atlanta Beekeepers Association that provides "Goody Bags" for the short course we offer in beginning beekeeping every January. I requested a donation of items for the bags from the National Honey Board last fall. They gladly complied and sent me items donated for the bags.......

and have continually billed me for the items on a regular basis ever since. Each time I get a bill, I call and get it supposedly straightened out. Today I received a bill with a large red notice that said:
Final Notice Before Credit Bureau is Notified.

In assertiveness, the general policy to is to start with basic assertive statements, increasing the intensity as needed. Originally I called and said, "I'm confused. I requested that you donate these items to my club. Your representative acknowledged that this is something the National Honey Board is glad to do to support new beekeepers. To my surprise, I have received a bill for the donated items. I don't want to pay for items you donated to us."

That phone call included basic assertive statements:
"I requested that you donate.....
"I received a bill for the donated items.....
" I don't want to pay for the items.....

The second time I received a bill, a firmer assertive statement was warranted. In that phone call, I said, "We wouldn't request items from you for the goody bag, if we expected to be billed. We are promoting your organization by putting these items in our Goody Bag. I don't think I should be charged for your donation to promote your organization."

(Although this isn't exactly an escalating assertion, it does state rather directly that we would not ask them for items which we would have to purchase.) An escalating assertion has a consequence in it. This is mildly escalating because there is an implied consequence...no more support for their organization from our bee club, or at least from me as a Director on the board of the bee club.

Now not only is this the third time I have been billed, but the bill from the National Honey Board included a threat. Most situations escalate in a balanced way. The National Honey Board has threatened me, so I will respond at the same level by including in my letter an escalating assertion as well as a confrontive assertion.

I wrote the following letter which I will fax to the National Honey Board tomorrow:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
National Honey Board
11409 Business Park Cir
Suite 210
Firestone, CO 80504

July 14, 2008

Re: Invoice XXXXX

To Whom it May Concern:

I am a member of the Board of Directors of the Metro Atlanta Beekeepers Association in Atlanta, GA. Each year we hold a short course for upcoming beekeepers and each year we give the attendants at that short course a “goody bag” full of beekeeping items. Every year we request a donation from the National Honey Board of pamphlets appropriate for the Goody Bag.

I was chair of the Goody Bag project for 2007-2008. I called the National Honey Board in the fall of 2007, requesting that you donate something for the Goody Bag. The person to whom I spoke said that the National Honey Board regularly does this for clubs and would gladly send me some items. She asked how many I would need and I requested 65 items of whatever you chose to donate.

I received the items in December 2007. Since then I have received three bills for the items you supposedly “donated” to our short course. When each of the first two bills arrived, I called the National Honey Board and explained that you had donated the items. Each time I was assured that I didn’t need to worry about or pay the bill and that you would make sure that I was not billed again.

Today I arrived at home to find a bill stamped: Final Notice Before Credit Bureau Is Notified.

I feel deep regret that I ever called you to request your help with our short course. You told me yourself that you donated items to clubs for the purpose of short courses and would be glad to donate the items to me. Now you are threatening to report me to the credit bureau for not paying a bill that I do not owe.

If I am the chair of the Goody Bag committee again (I’ve done it for the past two years), I will not ever again request anything from your organization and I will not be speaking kindly of your group going forward.

Please CANCEL THIS BILL and do not even think of reporting me to the Credit Bureau. And since I keep receiving bills despite your continued verbal agreement that I do not owe the money, I would like a written letter to acknowledge that I do not owe this money.

Linda D Tillman, PhD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A confrontive assertion is one in which an agreement was made and the other party has broken the agreement. In this type of assertion, you state what the agreement was, how it was broken and what will be the consequence of the breaking of the agreement. You can find all of those in the letter.

I want the situation to end, so I requested a written response to my letter since speaking to them and receiving verbal reassurance does not work. Also if they do in fact report me to the Credit Bureaus for this $18.75 bill (!) I will have something to submit to the Credit Bureau to rebut their claim.