Using Assertiveness to Build Your Business

Atlantans call a taxi for two reasons:  to get to the airport or to have a designated driver for an evening out.  We don’t use taxis as a basic mode of transportation like people do in other big cities like New York or Washington, DC.  So we usually call, rather than hail, taxis when we need them.  

I like my house to look occupied by leaving my car parked in the driveway when I go out of town.  I also don’t like paying the $8 a day parking fee charged by MARTA (the rail/bus service here) or the high parking fees at the airport.  

So when I went to Santa Fe for a professional conference a couple of weeks ago, I called a taxi to take me to the MARTA station (to go to the airport).  I had a cab company I used a lot when I lived on the northside of the city, Su Taxi, but now I live in Virginia Highlands in Midtown Atlanta and needed a different cab company.  I googled cabs for my area and called Atlanta Lenox Cab company.

The nicest man picked me up in his clean-as-a-whistle van with seat belts that worked.  His name was Keiros and we had a lovely conversation about NPR on the way to the Midtown MARTA station.

As he pulled up to the station, he told me the fare and handed me his business card.  “When you come back on Sunday, call me from the airport MARTA station and I’ll be here when you get to Midtown to take you home,” he said.  I was impressed with his assertiveness; I had his number in my cell phone from his call to let me know he was outside my house; I liked his basic approach.  

He was clearly an assertive person, building his business.

So at the end of the week when I arrived at the Atlanta airport on Sunday, I called him from the MARTA train.  “I can’t meet you today because I have a client right now,” he said, “but I have a friend who will be there.”  

Indeed, when I stepped out of the MARTA station, a nice man with his cab was there, walking toward me, saying “Miss Leenda???” as I approached him.  He told me that Keiros has a large number of people who call him regularly and if he can’t pick them up, he passes them on to his friends who are also cab drivers.  

Last weekend I went to DC to visit my daughter.  Again, I called Keiros who was at my house with his van right at 6:30 AM to pick me up.  We had a nice conversation about Ethiopian restaurants in Atlanta.  Again he assertively said, “Call me when you return on Sunday, and I’ll pick you up or send someone else, if I can’t”

I called when I got home to Atlanta, and he was waiting for me when I stepped out of the midtown MARTA station.  

He clearly knows how to build his business using assertiveness.  As he drove me to my house this time, I apologetically noted that I would not be going out of town again until early December.  “Oh, call me for any reason,” he said.  “I’ll drive you to restaurants, the theater, any time you’d like not to take your car.”  

As a bonus, nothing to do with driving a cab, he also said to call him when I got ready to go to Desta Kitchen, his favorite Atlanta Ethiopian restaurant and he would tell me what to order!

Keiros is a great example of someone using assertiveness to build their business.  I don’t like too much uncertainty in my life and it feels great to know I have a responsible (and very assertive) cab driver available for me when I need him.  And all because he was assertive about building his business and provided a high quality service in what he does.

Depression and The Impact of Choices

One way we demonstrate assertiveness is to make a choice for ourselves.  Dr. Barry Schwartz on the TED talks makes the point that we are so overwhelmed with choices that we can not feel good about any choice we make.

Because choices in today's world may seem infinite in so many categories, even when one makes a "good" choice, there remains the doubt that another of the myriad of "good" choices might have been a better one.

This makes people depressed about themselves and their self-confidence and sends them to my office for therapy.

When my children were little, Captain Kangaroo used to read a book by Nancy Willard (illustrated by Tomie dePaola) called Simple Pictures are Best.  It's a story about a farmer and his wife who were trying to get a picture taken by a photographer.  By the time they put everything in the picture that they wanted to include (the dog, the cow, the mouse, the horse, etc.), the photographer was so far away from his subjects that they were tiny dots on the hill.  The farmer and his wife were afraid to choose to leave anything or anyone out of the picture.

Narrowing down choices can be threatening and depressing.

I invite you to listen to Barry Schwartz's delightful and insightful talk on choices and depression.  He has also written a book about this.

Assertive Letter to Department of Revenue

The various tax collecting agencies can easily send me in an assertive letter writing direction.  This year my correspondence came from the Georgia Department of Revenue.

Their letter, complete with columns of numbers comparing what my tax return said I paid, what they show that they received, and the difference, is designed to demonstrate to me how I have made an egregious accounting error.

My check to them was for $1.00 less than my accountant reported on my tax forms, so rather than confuse the process for next year, I sent $1.00 to the state of Georgia, leaving my overpay from 2010 to apply to 2011.

What I wonder is how they could have $XX,XXX dollars floating around and not recognize an accounting problem on their part?

I feel angry that I have to take my time to ask the bank for a copy of the check front and back (it's done by email but still takes time); that I have to write this letter; and that I have to recognize how poorly accounting may be handled by my state.  However, it will do me no good to be angry in my response to the state.

In many assertive opportunities, it's more important to be assertive respectfully than it is worth it to be angry.

So I wrote them an assertive letter simply reporting the facts to correct their error.  The key word here is SIMPLE - when you are writing government agencies about money, always simply list facts and then what you would like to occur as a result of the facts you are reporting:

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To Whom it My Concern:

I am in receipt of your letter dated 10/17/2011.  Your letter fails to include the taxes I paid on April 15 in anticipation of an extension.  I am enclosing a copy front and back of my check for $XXXXX which was cashed by you on April 25, 2011. 

I apparently owe you $1.00 which I am enclosing a check to cover.

Because my taxes were paid on time and in a timely way with an excess overpaid to apply to next year, I do not owe you the penalty and interest which you have assessed. 

Please find enclosed a check for $1.00 and a copy of my check cashed by you for $XXXXX.

Thank you for clearing up this matter,

Linda D Tillman, PhD

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If you write the IRS or your state department of revenue, you always enclose your SSN, which I did, but that is not apparent in my copy for you of this letter.  Also because I moved in 2011, I put my old and new address below my signature in case that is the source of their error (although my SSN stayed the same????).

Agreement: A Key Element in Negotiating in Couples' Relationships and in Everyday Life

Power struggles derail many assertive negotiations.  In such a struggle, the two negotiators each try to win.  

As in a child's tug of war, no one wins a power struggle.

You remember tug of war, I'm sure.  Usually the loser is pulled into the mud as the winner tugs him/her over the line.  And how does the winner fare?  The winner usually also falls flat on his/her back with the effort.  Everyone ends up hurt in some way or another.

Finding an Area of Agreement:

The most effective way to avoid the power struggle is to find an area of agreement.

Here is a typical marital power struggle:

Susan:   "Sam, are you going to wash the dishes?"
Sam: "I did them last night and I want to watch the Braves game."
Susan: "I really had a hard day and I'm exhausted.  I don't want to do the
            dishes.  I just want to sit down and put my feet up."
Sam: "Well, I'm not going to wash all those dishes."
Susan: "Well, I'm not either, so there."

These two are in a power struggle, each trying not to "lose."  At this point, you are probably wondering, "Can this marriage be saved?"

If these two had the agenda of arriving at an area of agreement, then the whole discussion could have been simpler and would not have turned into a power struggle.

Susan:   "Sam, there sure are a lot of dirty dishes tonight."
Sam: "There really are and I don't want to do them....I want to watch the
Braves game."
Susan:    "Sounds like neither one of us wants to do them."
Sam: "I sure can agree with that."
Susan:   "Well, since we both agree that neither of us wants to do the dishes, how can we get this awful task over with so you can watch the game and I can sit down and put my feet up?"
Sam: "Maybe we could load the dishwasher together and then do the pots and pans tomorrow."
Susan: "That would work for me - let's get started."

In the above version, Susan and Sam work for an agreement rather than trying to win a power struggle.

Walk around the first roadblock to reach agreement

If finding an area of agreement seems difficult, see if you can go around the roadblock and start the search for agreement several steps into the argument.

Years ago in my hometown of Natchez, Mississippi, the library board and my father, Dr. Clifford Tillman, a member of the board, decided that Natchez needed a new library.  When the idea of a new library was proposed to the citizens, a power struggle ensued: did the town need a new library or not?  

The idea of building of a new library "lost" the power struggle.

My father waited several months for the furor to die down.  Then he wrote a letter to the editor of the Natchez Democrat, proposing that the new library for Natchez should be built behind what was then St. Mary's Cathedral (a building over 100 years old) in Confederate Memorial Park.  All of the ancient trees in the park would have to be cut down to accomplish this.

A huge discussion began among the citizens as to where the new library should be built - certainly the trees should not be cut down!  So the process began of reaching an agreement about WHERE the new library should be built and the issue of SHOULD Natchez have a new library never resurfaced.  

A Natchez citizen donated land and Natchez now has a lovely library.

My father effectively skipped the step of whether Natchez should have a new library and thus avoided the power struggle.  The discussion he began centered on finding an area of agreement about the location of the new library.

Work toward agreement instead of working toward winning and your negotiations will go much better whether in your couple's relationship or in your work with others.

Assumptions in Couples' Communication

In a marriage where the two people have divided the household tasks and one of his tasks is to take out the garbage:

She says:  “Honey, would you take out the trash?”
He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.” 


An hour later she notices that the trash is still spilling out of the trashcan and she feels angry.  

She criticizes him for his lack of cooperation.  He is amazed.  He was going to take out the trash.  She didn’t give him half a chance.

What is the problem here?  
Communication, of course.  

When he said, “A couple of minutes,” she assumed 2 minutes.  He meant he would do it in a little while when he got a break.

Clarification of assumptions can make all the difference in the world. Asking for clarification is an assertive act.
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How the scene could have gone differently:

She says,  “Honey, would you take out the trash?”
He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.”

She says, “It’s falling out of the trash can and I’m really frustrated.  When you say “a couple of minutes” do you mean two minutes or do you mean something else?”

He says, “Actually I meant I’d get around to it when I’m through with what I’m working on, but if it’s bothering you that much, I’ll take it out right now.”  

No anger, no fight, and all was resolved because she took the time to be assertive and to clarify the assumption she was making.
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Many times when couples come into my office the basis of their struggle is communication.

Listen for assumptions in your conversations and strive to clarify the assumptions you are making.  

Even if you take these issues to therapy, you’ll be steps ahead by gaining awareness of the assumptions you each may be making.

Let me know what assumptions you find yourself making and how it works out for you when you clarify.

I SEE What you Mean: Sensory Modes in Communication

Connecting with others in the process of speaking up involves not only using the language of assertiveness but also understanding the subtle modes of communication which we all employ when speaking.  Each of us has a preferred learning mode.  

Think about what is the best learning mode for you.

• Are you a person who remembers more if you hear what you need to learn?  
• Are you someone who learns best through visual learning – reading, watching a film, or seeing pictures of how to do something?  
• Are you someone who learns best if you have a hands on approach and someone assists you as you try something new?   

Each of us is different and we each learn best in one of these modes.

In addition I am more likely to speak in the mode in which I am most comfortable.  For example if I am a visual person, then I might say, “I SEE what you mean.”  Or I might say “This explanation is not CLEAR to me.”

If I am a more auditory person, then I might say, “I HEAR what you’re saying.”  Or I might say, “That SOUNDS just right for me.”

If I am a more touch oriented person, I might say, “I GET it.”  Or “I keep BUMPING into a problem when I try to do this.”   I might also say, “ I have the solution right at my FINGERTIPS.”

Most people are capable of moving between modes and using visual sometimes, auditory other times, etc.  

At moments of stress we tend to communicate in the mode in which we are most comfortable.

Being aware of sensory modes of communication helps in an assertive negotiation.  Notice the other person’s mode of communication.  Once you have determined if the person to whom you are speaking is more visual, auditory or kinesthetic (touch as primary sensory modality), then try to match the mode they are using.

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Let’s say that you are talking with your co-worker, Bob, about his work on a project on which the two of you are doing teamwork:

You:  “Bob, we need to talk about our presentation.  I want to land this client’s account.”

Bob:  “Well, I’m LOOKING at a pile on my desktop and I can’t see the bottom of it.  I don’t think I can SEE my way CLEAR to work on the presentation today.”

You:  (Pausing and noticing his visual words: See, Clear, Looks) “Bob,  I SEE what you mean.  You do APPEAR to have a desk full of work.  However, we can persuade this client to join us if we make our position very CLEAR to our clients. I, for one, would like to SEE that happen.”

Bob:  “So you want me to LOOK at the presentation booklet as a priority?”

You:  “Yes, I would like our presentation booklet to APPEAR quite CLEAR to our client so they can SEE our VISION of what we could do for them.”

Bob: “OK, then where should we start?  What can I contribute to the presentation to make it LOOK great to our client?”

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Note:  This moment of agreement came about quite quickly because you discovered what sensory modality is the most comfortable for Bob and talked to him in the mode in which he is most likely to feel understood.   He may not have any idea that you have used this method of communicating, but you are saved from a prolonged discussion.

Your desired results can be easily achieved if you stay in awareness of the sensory modality employed by the person with whom you need to negotiate.

Speaking up for yourself is most effective if you are connected with the other person rather than in a tug of war with them.  Observing others and determining what mode is the most frequently used by them will help you in your efforts to speak up. Using the comfort mode of the other person adds to his/her feeling of connection with you.

A great book on this subject is: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work by Suzette Elgin, PhD.
Another useful, although out of print, book is Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler.

Let me know how paying attention to sensory modes of communication affects your assertive interactions with others.

A Question is Asked: Is An Answer Required?

When a question is posed to most of us, we feel compelled to answer it.  It is as if a question is actually a demand that an answer be given.

We are trapped.  We MUST answer.

No, no, no.  You ALWAYS have a choice.

In a story in Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore the old grey donkey, loses his tail.  When Christopher Robin finds it, the tail is acting as a bell pull for the door to Owl's hollow tree.  There is also a door knocker for the door.  A very wise note is found between the two:

"PLES RING IF AN RNSER IS REQIRD.  PLEZ CNOKE IF AN RNSR IS NOT REQUID."

How perfect - I love the concept that an answer might not be required or REQUID, as it were.

Here are three alternatives to try when a question is asked and our choice is NOT TO ANSWER it.

• Change the subject:

1.  Indirectly:  Ignore the question and simply change the subject.

This happens in the movies and soap operas all the time.  The writers are anxious for you to stay glued to your seat until the very end so frequently they pose questions to which no answer is given.

Example:


  Tom (in a desperate voice): "Jeremy, did you see which way he went?"
  Jeremy, looking out the window: "I always loved the way she wore her hair...."

Jeremy changes the subject without blinking an eye.  Actually in this example, the subject change is helped by LACK OF EYE CONTACT.  Sometimes the nonverbal act of avoiding eye contact with the questioner disrupts the connection enough that the subject change is hardly noticed.

2.  Directly:  Use an assertive statement to change the subject.

For example, use a simple "I want" statement:

"I want to talk about something else. I'd like to discuss where we are going to dinner tonight."

Notice that in a direct change of subject, you DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY your change of subject.  Simply state a preference.  Nonverbally in this example, be careful to make sure that your voice goes down in tone at the end of the sentence.

• Use Empathy, but Don't Answer the Question

Using empathy keeps the other person from being cut off from you by your choice not to answer the question.  The other person at least feels your effort to make a connection even though you are not cooperating by answering.

In the following example, the first part of the statement is EMPATHIC and the second part is a SIMPLE ASSERTION not to answer the question.

"I know you are curious about my decision to do XXXXX and I'm sure it is difficult for you not to get the information you want, BUT I would prefer to talk about the weather, the
latest book you've read, or the news of the day."

Again notice that you do not need to justify your decision not to answer the question.   You simply state a preference.

• Directly Confront the Other Person, but Don't Answer the Question

I would use this method if a person continues to push you to answer something about which you would prefer not to talk to him/her.  You will employ a firmer tone of voice in this example because you want to send the nonverbal signal: DROP IT and your voice tone can add to the strength of what you are saying.

Example:  You have been trying to have a baby for years now with no luck.  You are at a family gathering where your cousin, let's call her Jan, who has five children herself asks you for the fifteenth time:  "When are you and Sam going to start your family?  Better not wait too long."

You say, "Jan, this is an uncomfortable subject for me. I have asked you not to bring it up, but you do, every time we get together.  I am not going to discuss this with you and would appreciate it if you would honor my request not to bring it up."

Remember, a question asked does not REQUIRE an answer.  You have a choice to respond or not to respond.  If you choose not to answer the question, you do not need to justify that choice.