I Am Going - An Assumption Undermines Communication

Mo Willems writes children’s books that convey basic conflicts in life in beautifully presented, simple ways.  His themes of friendship, connection, and communication, told for children, reflect issues that adults face as well.

My grandson loves I am Going! because it’s the very first book he read himself cover to cover.  I love I am Going! because it deals with assumptions and how they bring confusion to communication.

Willems’ series about Elephant and Piggie focuses on Gerald, a neurotic elephant, and Piggie, a happy-go-lucky pig.  When Piggie announces to Gerald, “I am going!” Gerald is filled with anxiety.  

He assumes Piggie is abandoning him.  In desperation he pleads, “Go later!  Go tomorrow!  Go next week!  Go next month!  GO NEXT YEAR!”  But Piggie sticks to her original statement, “I am going now.”  

Gerald, who is reacting from his assumption about abandonment, stays in a state of panic until Piggie finally tells him that she is going to lunch.  He spent a tremendous amount of emotional energy when a simple question to clarify what Piggie meant would have saved that for him.  All he needed to ask was either “Why are you going?” or “Where are you going?”  Instead he assumed she was abandoning him and reacted accordingly.

In many couples that I work with in therapy, the issue of assumption often clouds communication.  Sometimes the reaction is an assumption which is the result of history.  He says, “I know what will happen if I try to connect more with her.  She’ll criticize me and tell me I’m doing it wrong.”  His assumption keeps him from taking the risk of connecting with his partner.  

Sometimes the assumption is like Gerald’s assumption, attributing a meaning when a clarifying question would save the day.  She says, “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”  He, a guy who came from Michigan, assumes she doesn’t like his state and maybe doesn’t want to do things he wants to do.  The resulting resentment he feels clouds his next statement to her.  “Well,” he says in a hurt tone, “ we don’t HAVE to go on vacation at all.”

If he had not made the assumption, the conversation could have gone like this:

She:  “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”
He:  “What do you like best about going to Florida?” ⬅ Note: clarifying question
She:  “It’s always warm and sunny when we go.  In Michigan, I always need a coat.”
He:  “With all my relatives in Michigan, I do like to go there.  Wonder how we could go on vacation and both feel good about it?”
She:  “How about if we go to Michigan in late July?  Then it’s so much warmer than it would be now over spring break.  We could go to Florida now for Spring Break and then to Michigan in July.”

When assumptions are waylaid by a clarifying question - in this example: “What do you like best about going to Florida?” then good communication can take place.

Sometimes your assumption may be right.  

She:  “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”
He:  “What do you like best about going to Florida?”
She (in a snarky tone): “Your family ISN”T there.”

But that is for another article about how contempt is a roadblock to connection!

Agreement: A Key Element in Negotiating in Couples' Relationships and in Everyday Life

Power struggles derail many assertive negotiations.  In such a struggle, the two negotiators each try to win.  

As in a child's tug of war, no one wins a power struggle.

You remember tug of war, I'm sure.  Usually the loser is pulled into the mud as the winner tugs him/her over the line.  And how does the winner fare?  The winner usually also falls flat on his/her back with the effort.  Everyone ends up hurt in some way or another.

Finding an Area of Agreement:

The most effective way to avoid the power struggle is to find an area of agreement.

Here is a typical marital power struggle:

Susan:   "Sam, are you going to wash the dishes?"
Sam: "I did them last night and I want to watch the Braves game."
Susan: "I really had a hard day and I'm exhausted.  I don't want to do the
            dishes.  I just want to sit down and put my feet up."
Sam: "Well, I'm not going to wash all those dishes."
Susan: "Well, I'm not either, so there."

These two are in a power struggle, each trying not to "lose."  At this point, you are probably wondering, "Can this marriage be saved?"

If these two had the agenda of arriving at an area of agreement, then the whole discussion could have been simpler and would not have turned into a power struggle.

Susan:   "Sam, there sure are a lot of dirty dishes tonight."
Sam: "There really are and I don't want to do them....I want to watch the
Braves game."
Susan:    "Sounds like neither one of us wants to do them."
Sam: "I sure can agree with that."
Susan:   "Well, since we both agree that neither of us wants to do the dishes, how can we get this awful task over with so you can watch the game and I can sit down and put my feet up?"
Sam: "Maybe we could load the dishwasher together and then do the pots and pans tomorrow."
Susan: "That would work for me - let's get started."

In the above version, Susan and Sam work for an agreement rather than trying to win a power struggle.

Walk around the first roadblock to reach agreement

If finding an area of agreement seems difficult, see if you can go around the roadblock and start the search for agreement several steps into the argument.

Years ago in my hometown of Natchez, Mississippi, the library board and my father, Dr. Clifford Tillman, a member of the board, decided that Natchez needed a new library.  When the idea of a new library was proposed to the citizens, a power struggle ensued: did the town need a new library or not?  

The idea of building of a new library "lost" the power struggle.

My father waited several months for the furor to die down.  Then he wrote a letter to the editor of the Natchez Democrat, proposing that the new library for Natchez should be built behind what was then St. Mary's Cathedral (a building over 100 years old) in Confederate Memorial Park.  All of the ancient trees in the park would have to be cut down to accomplish this.

A huge discussion began among the citizens as to where the new library should be built - certainly the trees should not be cut down!  So the process began of reaching an agreement about WHERE the new library should be built and the issue of SHOULD Natchez have a new library never resurfaced.  

A Natchez citizen donated land and Natchez now has a lovely library.

My father effectively skipped the step of whether Natchez should have a new library and thus avoided the power struggle.  The discussion he began centered on finding an area of agreement about the location of the new library.

Work toward agreement instead of working toward winning and your negotiations will go much better whether in your couple's relationship or in your work with others.