Agreement: A Key Element in Negotiating in Couples' Relationships and in Everyday Life

Power struggles derail many assertive negotiations.  In such a struggle, the two negotiators each try to win.  

As in a child's tug of war, no one wins a power struggle.

You remember tug of war, I'm sure.  Usually the loser is pulled into the mud as the winner tugs him/her over the line.  And how does the winner fare?  The winner usually also falls flat on his/her back with the effort.  Everyone ends up hurt in some way or another.

Finding an Area of Agreement:

The most effective way to avoid the power struggle is to find an area of agreement.

Here is a typical marital power struggle:

Susan:   "Sam, are you going to wash the dishes?"
Sam: "I did them last night and I want to watch the Braves game."
Susan: "I really had a hard day and I'm exhausted.  I don't want to do the
            dishes.  I just want to sit down and put my feet up."
Sam: "Well, I'm not going to wash all those dishes."
Susan: "Well, I'm not either, so there."

These two are in a power struggle, each trying not to "lose."  At this point, you are probably wondering, "Can this marriage be saved?"

If these two had the agenda of arriving at an area of agreement, then the whole discussion could have been simpler and would not have turned into a power struggle.

Susan:   "Sam, there sure are a lot of dirty dishes tonight."
Sam: "There really are and I don't want to do them....I want to watch the
Braves game."
Susan:    "Sounds like neither one of us wants to do them."
Sam: "I sure can agree with that."
Susan:   "Well, since we both agree that neither of us wants to do the dishes, how can we get this awful task over with so you can watch the game and I can sit down and put my feet up?"
Sam: "Maybe we could load the dishwasher together and then do the pots and pans tomorrow."
Susan: "That would work for me - let's get started."

In the above version, Susan and Sam work for an agreement rather than trying to win a power struggle.

Walk around the first roadblock to reach agreement

If finding an area of agreement seems difficult, see if you can go around the roadblock and start the search for agreement several steps into the argument.

Years ago in my hometown of Natchez, Mississippi, the library board and my father, Dr. Clifford Tillman, a member of the board, decided that Natchez needed a new library.  When the idea of a new library was proposed to the citizens, a power struggle ensued: did the town need a new library or not?  

The idea of building of a new library "lost" the power struggle.

My father waited several months for the furor to die down.  Then he wrote a letter to the editor of the Natchez Democrat, proposing that the new library for Natchez should be built behind what was then St. Mary's Cathedral (a building over 100 years old) in Confederate Memorial Park.  All of the ancient trees in the park would have to be cut down to accomplish this.

A huge discussion began among the citizens as to where the new library should be built - certainly the trees should not be cut down!  So the process began of reaching an agreement about WHERE the new library should be built and the issue of SHOULD Natchez have a new library never resurfaced.  

A Natchez citizen donated land and Natchez now has a lovely library.

My father effectively skipped the step of whether Natchez should have a new library and thus avoided the power struggle.  The discussion he began centered on finding an area of agreement about the location of the new library.

Work toward agreement instead of working toward winning and your negotiations will go much better whether in your couple's relationship or in your work with others.

The Power Struggle - A Losing Battle

In many couples, an ongoing power struggle is what brings them to therapy.  One wants to change the other and the other won’t change.  It’s a losing battle for both people.

A power struggle is just like a tug of war.  In a literal tug of war two teams take either end of a rope.  Each team tries to pull the other team across a line drawn between them.  

The winner is the team who pulls the other team across the line.  

In fact in a tug of war, everyone loses.  The “losers” usually fall on their faces as they are dragged across the line.  The “winners” also land on their rear ends as they fall backward, pulling the other team over.

When a couple in such a power struggle sits in my office, I am often reminded of the last scene in the old movie War Games with Matthew Broderick (it was his first movie).  The computer in charge of nuclear missiles is out of control.  

Although the computer is programmed to play a game called Global Thermonuclear War, in fact the computer has armed the actual missiles that will start a world war.  The computer’s inventor and the Broderick character try to teach the computer that war is a bad idea.  

They teach the computer to play Tic-Tac-Toe.  

If you know how to play Tic-Tac-Toe and are playing with someone who also knows the game, then every game will end up in a draw without a winner.  The computer plays simulated game after game of Tic-Tac-Toe in a frenzy and of course, never wins.  Then the computer moves to playing “thermonuclear war” working out each scenario that is in its program. Each scene ends with the words on the screen:  Winner: NONE.

Suddenly the computer stops everything and declares:  “The only winning move is not to play.”

While that is true for nuclear war, it is also true that in a relationship power struggle, the only winning move is not to play.  In other words, if you don’t engage in a power struggle, your communication with your partner is much more likely to arrive at a resolution with which both of you can be comfortable.

The only hope for getting out of a power struggle is to find an area of agreement with the other person and build from there.  For example, if you and your partner are in conflict over your long commute to work in Atlanta, the power struggle can be avoided in this way:

You:  “Can we both agree that the long commute to work is boring and stressful?”
Other:  “Yes, I hate it.”
You:  “OK so we both agree that the commute leaves a lot to be desired.  Let’s brainstorm some ideas about how to lower the stress of the commute for us every day.”
Other:  “OK, but I don’t think there’s a good answer.”
You:  “Let’s just throw out ideas without judging them until we can’t think of any more.”
Other:  “Well, we could listen to books on tape.”
You:  “How about putting "move inside the perimeter" on the list.”
Other:  “How about finding someone to carpool with so we wouldn’t have to drive every day.”
You:  “I’d like to spend less time in the car - but MARTA doesn’t come out this far.”

When you run out of ideas, then each of you pick your favorite two ideas from the combined list.  See if the two of you can join on coming up with the strengths of each idea, no matter who contributed it.

If you get stuck or find a power struggle starting up again, return to the most recent area of agreement, “Well, I don’t want to struggle about that - I believe the last thing we agreed on is that we would discuss moving, carpooling, and looking for neighborhoods closer in but not all the way intown. Let's go back to that.”

Any time a power struggle starts, it is a losing battle.  The only way to win is not to play.

Note:  If you’d like to see the clip from the scene in the movie War Garmes, you can find it here.