Learning to Argue with Respect

Recently NPR had an article about how important it is for teens to learn to argue with their parents.  Typically teenage arguments are comprised of screaming, yelling, slamming doors.  I remember when my brother and I were teenagers, he actually threw his shoe through a wall while screaming at my parents.

NPR's piece takes the stand that a teen can learn to negotiate in adult life if his/her parents handle arguing with the teenager well.

I've been watching the five seasons of Friday Night Lights, a wonderfully written and acted TV show that didn't catch on too well with the public.  The show follows the drama of a football coach and his family through five seasons.  In the process Coach Taylor and his wife Tami parent a teenage daughter, Julie.  While Julie has her moments of yelling and slamming doors, for the most part, the interactions between her and her parents are filled with mutual respect.

The respect is there because Coach Taylor and Tami Taylor demonstrate throughout the series one of the best marriages I've ever seen in a TV series.  They disagree, they disappoint each other, but they also fulfill each other and respect each other throughout each interaction.

One of the best examples of a respectful conversation with a teenage daughter occurs in Season Three, Episode 10 - "The Giving Tree."  Julie and Tami have a perfect interaction of a respectful mother and daughter in discussion after Tami discovers that Julie is having sex with her boyfriend.  Coach has an equally respectful conversation with Matt, Julie's boyfriend, in this episode as well.

While modeling respect provides a good foundation for effective arguing, communication skills involved in a respectful argument can be taught as well.

The basic elements of a good argument are mutual respect, good listening, and the ability and willingness to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

• Mutual Respect:

A relationship which incorporates mutual respect has communication interactions that reflect this.

Sarcasm, contempt, or joking with the goal of poking at the other person are not demonstrative of respect.  The dictionary defines respect as: "having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others."  Wikipedia says that contempt is the antonym of respect.   When anything other than respect enters communication, then distancing results.

Remember that respect is conveyed not only by the words you choose but also by the tone of voice you use.  Sarcasm, contempt and other distancing can be sensed if your voice tone reflects those emotions.  A caring well-modulated tone of voice will serve well to send a message of respect.

• Good Listening:

Often in an argument, one is inclined to think of what you want to say next rather than to listen.  Listening well requires that you take your attention out of your own head and focus on what the other person is saying.

An assertive way to demonstrate that one is listening is to say back to the other person what you heard him/her say or your interpretation of what you heard the other person say.

"So I understand from what you say that none of your friends have to be in by midnight."

• Putting yourself in the other person's shoes

Trying to stay aware of what the other person may feel as he/she speaks and listens during an argument will keep you connected to that person.  Make comments that let the other person know you are trying to understand him/her in the course of the conversation.  Even when you are on opposite sides of the fence, an empathic comment strengthens the connection between you and the person with whom you are arguing.

Example:  "When you said that a curfew is unreasonable, you seemed angry that your dad and I want to set a  limit about how long you can stay out on Friday."

Whatever the topic, try to end the argument on a note of mutual agreement:

"OK, so as I understand what we've talked about, we've agreed that your curfew will be 12:30 rather than midnight and that we'll try this out for a couple of weeks to see how it goes.  Then we'll get back together and see if we need to change anything about this agreement."

Of course these principles of effective, assertive argument apply not only to talking with teenagers but also to conversations in daily life with anyone.

Speaking Up For Yourself Assertively: Assertiveness Class offered in Atlanta

Making an effort to be more assertive is a common New Year's resolution.  If this is your resolution or if you simply would like to learn more about speaking up for yourself, I am offering a face to face class in Atlanta on Saturday, February 4 from 9 - 12 at my office in Atlanta.  

What:  A Class in Assertive Communication

Who:  Taught by Dr. Linda Tillman

When:  Saturday, February 4

                   9 AM - Noon

Where:  1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Atlanta, GA    

What you will experience:

  Learn the basics of assertive communication

  Learn how to handle yourself assertively both verbally and nonverbally

·             Learn how to express anger assertively rather than aggressively

·             Learn how to negotiate assertively and effectively

·             Learn how to give feedback clearly and respectfully

The group will be limited to 10 people

How to register:  Click here

Cost:  $100 per person

*Special discount:  If you are coming with your partner or spouse, the total for the two of you is $160

We can accept payment by PayPal, credit card, or check

Speak Up Proactively - With a Smile

An opportunity for advocating for yourself by speaking up occurs every time you begin a new relationship with any type of salesperson, an attorney, a mechanic, or a physician.

Let's look at each of the above examples:

The Salesperson

How many of you have felt pressure from a salesperson?

It seems to happen most to me when I am looking at large appliances such as washer/dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators. And of course, it happens when you are attempting to purchase a car.

Plan the limits you will set ahead of the visit to the store or the car lot. Sometimes it helps to speak to the salesperson before he/she speaks to you. As the salesperson approaches, you smile and say, "I'm just looking."

If the salesperson says, "Let me show you the best features of this xxxxxxxx," then you can say, "I'd like to know about the best features, but then I want some time to look around by myself. I'm only looking and don't plan to buy anything today."

And then you smile again.

The Attorney

Every attorney with whom I have met has a vast amount of knowledge about how I should be protecting myself in my life. One of the difficulties of visiting an attorney is that often he/she has important information about other legal issues you may need to take care of, other than the one for which the appointment is made.


However, I can get overwhelmed by the possibilities of decisions to be made that were not on my agenda.

A proactive way to approach the attorney is to smile at the beginning of the appointment and say, "I really appreciate all the ways you look out for me.  I know your suggestions are usually ones I want to consider. However, today I would like to focus only on my will. If you have other areas in which you think you can be of help to me, I'll write them down here on this pad of paper and I can then make a later appointment to focus on them one at a time."

And of course, you smile, indicating that you feel pleasant about all of this.

The Auto Mechanic

When I take my car in for an oil change, the quick change place I go to is frequently interested in selling me more than the basic oil change. After I learned this, now I don't even allow them to start their speech to convince me.

As the salesperson approaches me with his/her head shaking, saying, "Ma'am, you should let us do the super luxurious deluxe oil change," I try to hear him as if he were simply making noise.

I smile and say, "All I need today is the basic oil change."

Usually he/she has evidence to support what I should do to my car - a fluid stick with a certain color that means nothing to me, an air filter that has varying degrees of darkness in different areas. I don't know enough for any of it to mean anything to me, so occasionally I may
actually need what the mechanic is pushing. 

However, if I am clear that my budget today only supports an oil change, then I continue to smile pleasantly, and say, "All I need today is the basic oil change." 

(I also make a mental note to check with my car dealer to see if what the mechanic is suggesting is something I should do in the future.)

The Physician


On the first visit to a new physician, we each have a wonderful opportunity to state directly what we are needing. It's a time to consider exactly what would make you comfortable in

the doctor's office.

One of my private practice clients does not want to be pressured about weight. She explained on the first visit that she would prefer to weigh facing away from the numbers on the scale. She also requested that her weight not be mentioned unless her health were in some way threatened.

Another of my clients asked the physician on her first visit if he would please explain his findings after she was fully dressed. She felt demeaned to talk to the doctor about her health while sitting naked under the paper gown on an examining table.

Everyone doesn't need to make these two requests, but both of these are examples of advocating for yourself with a physician. 

Even if it is not your first visit to the physician, if you are uncomfortable about something in the way your doctor's visits are handled, there is no time like the present to bring it up with your physician.

Again as you make these requests, you smile as you speak because you are making a positive proactive request.

Speaking up to your salesperson, your attorney, your mechanic or your physician are all moments to practice self-advocating skills.

An Assertive Person is not an Adversary

Speaking up for oneself in an assertive manner often brings to mind the image of two people warily circling each other, fists raised, prepared to strike.  Each person wants to get his/her way.

In fact, the most effective assertiveness is not adversarial at all.  The most effective way of speaking up involves connecting with or joining the other person.

Without engaging in connecting, a person may use perfect assertive language and still be deeply involved in a power struggle.  In the book, Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury call this "positional bargaining."   

Imagine two people engaged in a tug of war.  If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired!  Getting into a power struggles uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere.  

Connecting in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:

1.  Expressing yourself with empathy
2.  Looking for areas of agreement
3.  Staying open to different options for mutual gain

Expressing yourself with empathy

If my friend and I are working on a project together and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting outside of work hours on the project, I might say:  "We both have so many responsibilities outside of work.  I know it must be hard for you to imagine our working past regular hours with children as young as yours."


When I say this, I am trying to put myself in the other person's shoes.  He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed.  


When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.

Looking for areas of agreement
We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements.  
Listening well to the other person is the key to finding areas of agreement.

"It sounds like both of us agree that this is a high priority project."

Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions:

"So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to do it outside of regular business hours?"  

Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens.  The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!

Staying open to options for mutual gain

If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team.  The process of determining mutual gain starts the minute this type of negotiation begins.

The key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem is brainstorming.  In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas.  Some may work and some may not be possible.  The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options.  


Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain.  If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.

Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called Little Blue and Little Yellow.  The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow.  When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected.  In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow.  Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color:  Green!

Every Word Counts

”This is probably stupid, but....”
“I know I should have understood this, but....”
“Could I interrupt you.....”
“Well, I was just wondering if.......”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?.....”

For twenty-five years I have been teaching people to speak up for themselves.  In addition both in my life as a psychologist and in my life as a Master Beekeeper, I give talks and workshops very frequently throughout any given year.

Those five ways of starting a question occur over and over in my audiences and in my classes.

When you start the contact with the other person in a weak or uncertain way, you lose ground and lose power.  The above phrases either put down the person asking the question or give all the power to the person answering the question.

Putting yourself down as you ask the question

”This is probably stupid, but....”
“I know I should have understood this, but....”

Beginning with a self put-down tells the listener that he/she shouldn’t bother to hear what you have to say.  You have already labeled yourself negatively and thus set an image in the listener’s mind.

If you start with a self-blaming statement (“I know I should have understood this...”) you let the person you address off of the hook too easily.  If a teacher or a lecturer has not made something perfectly clear to you, then it is possible that the explanation or the speech was lacking enough specificity rather than that you “should have understood.”





Asking for permission to ask

“Could I interrupt you.....”
“Well, I was just wondering if.......”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?.....”

First, this is a waste of everyone’s time.  If you ask out loud if it’s OK for you to interrupt, you have already interrupted.

In addition these beginning phrases are just fillers that don’t add to the effectiveness of what you have to say.  The listener has to

• Wait until you are through with the question about whether you can ask a question
• Answer yes to the question about asking the question
• Keep listening to find out what the real question is

Valuable time is lost and often the person whom you are addressing will feel frustrated, and will wonder, “Will he/she ever get to the point?”

Listening and answering questions well is an art.  If we want to get the best from the person we are questioning, the most effective way is to get right to the real question.

Second, when you are asking permission to ask, you are taking away from your power.  From the beginning you are putting the ball in the other person’s court.  You are saying, “I think you are so powerful that I even have to give you the power to tell me whether or not I can speak.”  You lose the respect of the listener by having not enough respect for yourself.

Importance of nonverbals

When you ask a question, remember to be aware of how you handle yourself nonverbally.  Your voice should be firm and your speech should be easy to hear.  Your voice tone should go down at the end of your sentences, symbolically anchoring your words.

Setting the tone for the relationship

When you ask a question in a public place, you are setting an image of yourself for everyone in the room.  If you ask a question in a one on one setting, you are creating an impression for the person answering that will color any future dealings you have with this person.

I once taught a class in the Evening at Emory community education program called: “Dating: An Adventure for Grown-ups.”  In this class the students learned that every single thing that happens on a first date is important.  Every word that is spoken tells you something about the speaker.  Every nonverbal act teaches you something about the other person’s way of being in the world.

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, we learned about Sally’s character from the way she ordered food in a restaurant.  She was very specific, “I want my apple pie heated with ice cream on the side, but if you can’t heat it, I don’t want the ice cream at all.”

Note:  She doesn’t say, “Would it be OK if my pie is heated?  And I was wondering if you would mind putting the ice cream on the side?”

Harry, the waiter, and the audience all learn from her manner in the restaurant that Sally is a strong person with particular ways of doing things.  We learn from her nonverbals (she looks the waiter in the eye and makes strong hand gestures as she speaks) that she will be “a person to be reckoned with,” as the old saying goes.

The same idea applies in a business setting.  When you interact with another person, as one does when one asks a question, you are entering into a relationship with the other person for that moment.  

If you begin the relationship by speaking in a deferent way, giving all the power to the other person, you indicate to him/her that you will put his/her wishes ahead of yours.  This sets you up to be dominated.

If you begin the relationship with mutual respect, the scene is set for each of you to be considered a valuable part of the interaction.

Practice so that the next time you ask a question, there can be no doubt that you feel as much respect for yourself as you do for the other person.

Using Assertiveness to Build Your Business

Atlantans call a taxi for two reasons:  to get to the airport or to have a designated driver for an evening out.  We don’t use taxis as a basic mode of transportation like people do in other big cities like New York or Washington, DC.  So we usually call, rather than hail, taxis when we need them.  

I like my house to look occupied by leaving my car parked in the driveway when I go out of town.  I also don’t like paying the $8 a day parking fee charged by MARTA (the rail/bus service here) or the high parking fees at the airport.  

So when I went to Santa Fe for a professional conference a couple of weeks ago, I called a taxi to take me to the MARTA station (to go to the airport).  I had a cab company I used a lot when I lived on the northside of the city, Su Taxi, but now I live in Virginia Highlands in Midtown Atlanta and needed a different cab company.  I googled cabs for my area and called Atlanta Lenox Cab company.

The nicest man picked me up in his clean-as-a-whistle van with seat belts that worked.  His name was Keiros and we had a lovely conversation about NPR on the way to the Midtown MARTA station.

As he pulled up to the station, he told me the fare and handed me his business card.  “When you come back on Sunday, call me from the airport MARTA station and I’ll be here when you get to Midtown to take you home,” he said.  I was impressed with his assertiveness; I had his number in my cell phone from his call to let me know he was outside my house; I liked his basic approach.  

He was clearly an assertive person, building his business.

So at the end of the week when I arrived at the Atlanta airport on Sunday, I called him from the MARTA train.  “I can’t meet you today because I have a client right now,” he said, “but I have a friend who will be there.”  

Indeed, when I stepped out of the MARTA station, a nice man with his cab was there, walking toward me, saying “Miss Leenda???” as I approached him.  He told me that Keiros has a large number of people who call him regularly and if he can’t pick them up, he passes them on to his friends who are also cab drivers.  

Last weekend I went to DC to visit my daughter.  Again, I called Keiros who was at my house with his van right at 6:30 AM to pick me up.  We had a nice conversation about Ethiopian restaurants in Atlanta.  Again he assertively said, “Call me when you return on Sunday, and I’ll pick you up or send someone else, if I can’t”

I called when I got home to Atlanta, and he was waiting for me when I stepped out of the midtown MARTA station.  

He clearly knows how to build his business using assertiveness.  As he drove me to my house this time, I apologetically noted that I would not be going out of town again until early December.  “Oh, call me for any reason,” he said.  “I’ll drive you to restaurants, the theater, any time you’d like not to take your car.”  

As a bonus, nothing to do with driving a cab, he also said to call him when I got ready to go to Desta Kitchen, his favorite Atlanta Ethiopian restaurant and he would tell me what to order!

Keiros is a great example of someone using assertiveness to build their business.  I don’t like too much uncertainty in my life and it feels great to know I have a responsible (and very assertive) cab driver available for me when I need him.  And all because he was assertive about building his business and provided a high quality service in what he does.

Depression and The Impact of Choices

One way we demonstrate assertiveness is to make a choice for ourselves.  Dr. Barry Schwartz on the TED talks makes the point that we are so overwhelmed with choices that we can not feel good about any choice we make.

Because choices in today's world may seem infinite in so many categories, even when one makes a "good" choice, there remains the doubt that another of the myriad of "good" choices might have been a better one.

This makes people depressed about themselves and their self-confidence and sends them to my office for therapy.

When my children were little, Captain Kangaroo used to read a book by Nancy Willard (illustrated by Tomie dePaola) called Simple Pictures are Best.  It's a story about a farmer and his wife who were trying to get a picture taken by a photographer.  By the time they put everything in the picture that they wanted to include (the dog, the cow, the mouse, the horse, etc.), the photographer was so far away from his subjects that they were tiny dots on the hill.  The farmer and his wife were afraid to choose to leave anything or anyone out of the picture.

Narrowing down choices can be threatening and depressing.

I invite you to listen to Barry Schwartz's delightful and insightful talk on choices and depression.  He has also written a book about this.