The Power Struggle - A Losing Battle

In many couples, an ongoing power struggle is what brings them to therapy.  One wants to change the other and the other won’t change.  It’s a losing battle for both people.

A power struggle is just like a tug of war.  In a literal tug of war two teams take either end of a rope.  Each team tries to pull the other team across a line drawn between them.  

The winner is the team who pulls the other team across the line.  

In fact in a tug of war, everyone loses.  The “losers” usually fall on their faces as they are dragged across the line.  The “winners” also land on their rear ends as they fall backward, pulling the other team over.

When a couple in such a power struggle sits in my office, I am often reminded of the last scene in the old movie War Games with Matthew Broderick (it was his first movie).  The computer in charge of nuclear missiles is out of control.  

Although the computer is programmed to play a game called Global Thermonuclear War, in fact the computer has armed the actual missiles that will start a world war.  The computer’s inventor and the Broderick character try to teach the computer that war is a bad idea.  

They teach the computer to play Tic-Tac-Toe.  

If you know how to play Tic-Tac-Toe and are playing with someone who also knows the game, then every game will end up in a draw without a winner.  The computer plays simulated game after game of Tic-Tac-Toe in a frenzy and of course, never wins.  Then the computer moves to playing “thermonuclear war” working out each scenario that is in its program. Each scene ends with the words on the screen:  Winner: NONE.

Suddenly the computer stops everything and declares:  “The only winning move is not to play.”

While that is true for nuclear war, it is also true that in a relationship power struggle, the only winning move is not to play.  In other words, if you don’t engage in a power struggle, your communication with your partner is much more likely to arrive at a resolution with which both of you can be comfortable.

The only hope for getting out of a power struggle is to find an area of agreement with the other person and build from there.  For example, if you and your partner are in conflict over your long commute to work in Atlanta, the power struggle can be avoided in this way:

You:  “Can we both agree that the long commute to work is boring and stressful?”
Other:  “Yes, I hate it.”
You:  “OK so we both agree that the commute leaves a lot to be desired.  Let’s brainstorm some ideas about how to lower the stress of the commute for us every day.”
Other:  “OK, but I don’t think there’s a good answer.”
You:  “Let’s just throw out ideas without judging them until we can’t think of any more.”
Other:  “Well, we could listen to books on tape.”
You:  “How about putting "move inside the perimeter" on the list.”
Other:  “How about finding someone to carpool with so we wouldn’t have to drive every day.”
You:  “I’d like to spend less time in the car - but MARTA doesn’t come out this far.”

When you run out of ideas, then each of you pick your favorite two ideas from the combined list.  See if the two of you can join on coming up with the strengths of each idea, no matter who contributed it.

If you get stuck or find a power struggle starting up again, return to the most recent area of agreement, “Well, I don’t want to struggle about that - I believe the last thing we agreed on is that we would discuss moving, carpooling, and looking for neighborhoods closer in but not all the way intown. Let's go back to that.”

Any time a power struggle starts, it is a losing battle.  The only way to win is not to play.

Note:  If you’d like to see the clip from the scene in the movie War Garmes, you can find it here.

You Never Know Unless You Try

Being assertive takes a lot of practice.  Like any skill, the more you practice, the better you will be at using assertive skills and the more you practice, the more comfortable and natural it will become to use assertive communication.

I own a "jig" for building frames to use in the beehive.  A "jig" according to Merriam Webster is:

"Definition of JIG

1

a : any of several lively springy dances in triple rhythmb : music to which a jig may be danced

2

: trick, game —used chiefly in the phrase the jig is up

3

a : any of several fishing devices that are jerked up and down or drawn through the waterb : a device used to maintain mechanically the correct positional relationship between a piece of work and the tool or between parts of work during assemblyc : a device in which crushed ore is concentrated or coal is cleaned by agitating in water"

It's quite difficult to build frames for the beehive.  Each one takes ten nails and involves turning the frame upside down and sideways to accomplish the task.  Having a device that maintains the correct position of the frame for nailing it together is a real time saver.

In 2010 I ordered what's called a "frame nailing device" from Walter T. Kelley.  The device is a time saver because it holds the end bars of the frames in position so that the construction person can nail ten top bars onto the endbars at once.  They you turn the device over and nail the bottom bars onto the endbars.

If you have put the endbars in upside down, then when all the frames are completely nailed you can't remove them from the jig.

And wouldn't you know it, I've lost my set of directions and I don't want to construct ten frames and have to take them apart because I put the endbars in upside down.

So Saturday, in my best assertive fashion, I called the Walter T. Kelley company and asked if they could mail or email me a set of the directions.  Since in good assertive communication, one must provide the relative facts, this is what I said:

"My name is Linda Tillman and I ordered a frame nailing device from you in February 2010.  I can't find my record of the purchase, but I'm sure you have it in your computer if you would look it up.  I have lost my direction page and I remember that I did the first ten frames upside down and had to take them apart because I couldn't get them out of the frame nailing device.  I'd like to get another copy of the directions for using this device.  Could you mail them or email them to me?"

The woman I spoke to said that they could not do that on the weekend but that she would leave a note for someone to take care of it on Monday.

I worried about this and decided that I needed to continue to exercise my assertiveness.  I haven't heard from Walter T. Kelley company so far this week and it's Wednesday.  Anything mailed or emailed on Monday from Kentucky (where they are located) to Atlanta should already be here.

I picked up the phone this afternoon and called again.  I had an identical conversation with another woman.  "Of course we can send them to you," she said.  "I can mail them easier than I can email them.  Can I confirm your address?"  I gave it to her.

We had a nice connection with each other and shared a few laughs about building frames upside down and having them stuck in the device.  Because I was assertive and because we had a nice conversation with each other, I am quite confident that my directions will arrive shortly.

Little moments like this are simply small practices in being assertive.  Noticing them is important because I know both that my persistence and my assertiveness are going to prevent my making a nailing error when I build 100 or so frames next weekend.

Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it.

Interpersonal Communication Diffuses Violence

With the assassination attempt on Gabrielle Giffords and the ongoing war in Iraq, violence is certainly a part of our ongoing news.  I am struck by how anyone thinks it is effective to be aggressive rather than assertive.  

Aggression involves attacking, whether by words or weapons.  An attack is an aggression.  Damage happens as a result of aggression.

Assertiveness involves respectful communication between two parties in an effort to come to a meeting of the minds, an agreement of how to handle a conflictual situation.  Generally everyone walks away from an assertive interaction with at least some of their needs being met.  So good feelings are generally the result of an assertion.

In my car yesterday I listened to Bob Edwards’ weekend as Bob Edwards interviewed Gary Noesner.  Mr. Noesner was a hostage negotiator with the FBI for thirty years and has written a book about it: Stalling For Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator.  

In the interview, he said “Interpersonal communication diffuses violence.”  What a powerful statement to make.

If communication is used effectively, then there should be no need for violence.  Wars start because negotiations break down.  People die in hostage situations when negotiation isn’t effective.  And on a smaller scale, angry interactions between two people result in really bad feelings.

If someone approaches you with an angry demeanor, your anticipation of their anger starts a level of inner tension.  As a beekeeper, I’ve been taught never to approach my beehives wearing black.  The bees think you are a bear and respond aggressively because they anticipate violence and an attack.  If I wear white or light colors, the bees are much more likely to allow my intrusion into their hive.

Assuming that an assertive interaction is possible and will work is the force behind hostage negotiation, as described by Mr. Noesner.  How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.  

If you want to review the basics of assertiveness, there’s a free class on my webpage.  It’s a Powerpoint presentation, hitting the high points of how to approach communication assertively.

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey.....

Many people think that being assertive means getting your way no matter what. This is not the definition of being assertive.

In fact, being assertive means being tuned into the other person and approaching that person with a respectful comment or request in an effort to make your point or to influence the occurrence of a needed change.

If you think of the other person as someone with whom you want to join in order to effect a change, then out comes the honey. As a beekeeper, I love the expression: “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…” While apparently science experiments show that sweet balsamic vinegar will catch more flies than honey will, in our folksy sayings in this country, honey wins out.

In an assertive interaction, you use honey to effect the change by employing empathy with the other person as well as trying to imagine what he or she might want out of the situation.

Recently Atlanta had a paralysis brought about by a snowstorm followed by a period of five days or temperatures well below freezing. The snow all turned to ice within 24 hours and the city came to a standstill. We had a major snow like this in March, 1993 (known as the Storm of the Century) and in January, 1982 (known as SnowJam '82), if I remember correctly.

Atlanta is in the deep south and it is not a cost effective plan for the city to own a lot of snow removal equipment which is needed once every ten years or so.   So with resources stretched to the limits, many city streets were not cleared throughout the five days of the ice.  Angry people were interviewed on the news and I am sure people made furious, aggressive calls demanding that their street be cleared.

I am part of a huge neighborhood e-blast group and an e-blast went out early in the week, explaining how to report a street that needed scraping to the Department of Public Works.

My friend called the number given for the Department of Public Works and let them know that she imagined they were being swamped with calls for street clearing.  She probably said something like, “I imagine you all are overwhelmed with people wanting their street scraped, so I’m sure hearing from me is an echo of many calls you’ve already had.  It must be difficult to talk to so many frustrated people.” 

After listening to my friend, the person on the other end would have felt like my friend connected with him/her and understood the frustration brought by all the angry callers.  Her comment was empathic and recognized the stress these people must have been under during those days.

Then she put in her request:  “My street is a cut through to Roswell Road (a major road in Atlanta) and cars are slipping all over my street.  I’m sure it would help the situation for people trying to get to Roswell Road if you would scrape my street.”

Her street was scraped and passable the next day. 

You can catch more flies with honey….. 

Approaching New Year's Resolutions Assertively

As the new year begins, most people make resolutions to keep during the year.  Let’s look at how to set resolutions in a way that will allow you to be successful in both setting and keeping them.

A resolution is an assertion that you make to yourself and sometimes to others as well. 

Characteristics of an Assertive Resolution:

An assertive resolution is:

• A stand that you take first with yourself
• Enhances your self-esteem (the other side of this is that if you should fail at a resolution, it should not damage your self-esteem
• Includes respect for yourself and others
• Is realistic.  It is something to which you can make a real commitment
• Is simple to accomplish

The difference between a Goal and a Resolution

Let's look at each of these concepts.

GOAL:  According to Webster's dictionary, "a goal is the end toward which effort is directed."  

Many times people make goals for themselves for the year and call them resolutions.  A typical goal at the turn of the year is about losing weight or exercising.  If I make a resolution to lose 20 pounds, then I will feel bad about myself if I only lose 19.  On the other hand, if I set the GOAL of losing 20 pounds, then I can feel great about my effort toward that goal.

In psychology, we have a concept called successive approximation.  Successive Approximation is a fancy way of saying that there are many little accomplishments on the way to a goal.  All of these accomplishments are to be celebrated and if we don't get all the way to the goal, we can still feel good about what we gained along the way.

So set goals toward which you can aim in areas that are hard to achieve.  If I say that my goal is to exercise more, and I aim in that direction, I can feel good about myself if I exercise one more day than I do now, or I can feel even better if I exercise two more days than I do now.  I'm celebrating success in either event.

RESOLUTION:  According to Webster's Dictionary is a "determination; a formal expression of will, opinion or intent (A determination is the act of deciding definitely and firmly.).

If I make a resolution, it's like making a promise to myself about something I am committed to and intend to keep.

Here's an example of a resolution that is assertive with myself and others:

One week before she was supposed to go to college, my youngest daughter was in a terrible automobile accident in which she pulled out in front of a speeding car.  She is fine now, but in the accident she broke her pelvis in three places, had to go to her freshman year in college three weeks late, and was on crutches for the first eight weeks of her time at college.

I made a resolution (that I have reaffirmed every year since then) that I would always drive the speed limit on Atlanta city streets and that I would always stop at yellow lights.  Let's look at this resolution for the characteristics of a good assertive resolution.

• Driving the speed limit and stopping at yellow lights is a stand that I take for myself but which also affects others.  Drivers in Atlanta rarely drive the speed limit, so going 35 in a 35 mile zone makes those who go 50 quite irritated.  Sometimes I have a line of unhappy (but forced to go the speed limit) drivers behind me.  
• Driving the speed limit enhances my self-esteem because I feel good about myself for doing the right thing.  I also know that I have control of my car so that if a teenager pulled in front of me, I could stop without doing harm.  If I fail to drive the speed limit, I will feel guilty, but it will not hurt my self-esteem.
• Driving the speed limit is respectful of myself, the other drivers, and the laws of the city in which I live.  The driver behind me who is angrily hugging my tail is aggressive, not assertive
• Driving the speed limit is realistic - after all, it's the law.  If I drive the speed limit, I won't get a ticket (a built-in reward!)
• Driving the speed limit is simple to accomplish.  All I have to do is to remember to read the signs.

Here's an example of a resolution that is assertive with myself:

About twelve years ago, I set a goal of drinking eight glasses of water a day.  This goal has all the characteristics of a good assertive resolution:

• By drinking more water, I am taking a stand with myself about staying in good health
• Drinking more water enhances my self-esteem because I feel better about my skin, my body, and take some pride in choosing water over a soft drink.  If I were to fail at this promise to myself, I would not damage my self-esteem.
• Drinking more water to make me healthier is by definition having respect for myself and my state of being
• Drinking more water is realistic - always on hand and available.
• For me this has been simple to accomplish.  I see people every hour in my office, so I decided to drink a glass of water with each client.  Sometimes I fudge a little and drink tea.  Mostly though I use a water bottle and drink water all day long.  I intended this as a goal for one year twelve years ago and it has become a regular feature of my life today.

With the arrival of 2011, set inspiring goals for yourself and make assertive resolutions that you can keep.


NOTE:  I do not drive 55 on the Atlanta Interstates - which is the limit.  If I did so I would be killed.  Nobody drives under 60 on the highways in Atlanta and most drive around 65 - 70.


If you'd like a good laugh, some GSU students made this movie several years ago in which five cars lined up on the Interstate in Atlanta and all drove 55. The results are pretty amusing and a little scary.

It Doesn’t Pay to be an Ostrich

When someone seems timid about taking action, one might say, like an ostrich, that he is hiding his head in the sand.

Dr. Karl of “Dr. Karl’s Great Moments in Science” informs us that the ostrich may do many things “but hiding its head in the sand is not one of them.” Instead, when an ostrich is frightened, one of its reactions is to try to lie flat on the ground  and make itself inconspicuous.  A bird that weighs 155 kg or approximately 341.41 pounds is not easily hidden, so even lying flat, its large belly rises visible to all.

However, like an ostrich, many of us do try to avoid conflict with others because it makes us uncomfortable.   Assertively addressing authority figures when something is wrong is very often worth the effort and energy it takes.

My son-in-law is not happy about the road in front of his office building in Atlanta.  When Shirley Franklin was mayor of Atlanta, she promised to fill the potholes.  The mess in front of my son-in-law’s building was never addressed.

Now Kasim Reed, Atlanta’s new mayor, has appointed a public works commissioner, Mr. Richard Mendoza, formerly public works commissioner in San Antonio.  On Mr. Mendoza’s first day on the job, he was reminded that potholes are among the biggest public works problems in Atlanta. 

In Atlanta, 10th street has a section where the center two lanes of the four lane street are impassable.  The road is in waves of tarmac, rough riding at best and possibly damaging to any car that chooses those lanes.  If you drive on 10th near the Hemphill intersection, you can see drivers move over to avoid the center lanes.  

If you’d like to know the location, here is where the stretch of bad road is.  I use the word “stretch” because the area encompasses at least three to four car lengths of bad pavement.

My son-in-law, is going to make sure that Mendoza knows about the street problem near his office.  Kevin has driven over this section of road for a number of years now and he’s not willing to sit quietly about it any longer.

Unlike the ostrich, Kevin is taking action.  He has written the mayor, the head of the city council, his representative on the city council and Mr. Mendoza, the public works commissioner.  Once he hears or fails to hear from them, he will launch phase two of his approach, which I believe will be either a second letter or a phone call to the office of each of the recipients of his letters.  I don’t believe he will stop until he gets results.

He has already heard from Mendoza who responded with a work order number for the project.  As he said, “Score one for Kevin!”

He has a plan; he’s following it; and if his assertiveness pays off, 10th street will be a smoother ride for drivers in Atlanta.

Sarcasm: Humor that Hurts

When I teach at Emory in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine, my goal with the doctoral  students in physical therapy is to help them understand that communication is about being sensitive to the other person.  Attaining the necessary level of sensitivity for good communication involves not only tuning in to the other person but also knowing yourself well. 

Communication is learned at your family’s dinner table or in the family car when you were growing up.  Communication styles in families are imitated by the members.  In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.”  If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.

I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person.  They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken.  I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful. 

They never can. 

They try and even at the end of the semester some remain unconvinced but there is no example of sarcasm or “teasing” as it is sometimes called in families that is not hurtful.

“Definition of SARCASM (from Merriam Webster.com)

1

: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

2

a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual
b : the use or language of sarcasm

 Sarcasm is from the  French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwarəs- to cut

First Known Use: 1550”

Since it’s been in use in the language since 1550, we can know that human beings have needed to zing and push away from each other for quite a long time. 

Sarcasm and teasing are used to get distance from the other person.  Zinging a person is a way of pushing them away from you.  A good question to ask yourself is why do you need to treat that person in such a way as to make them distanced from you?

 

Today in the school systems there is a focus on bullying and the harm that can come from that.  Bullying on the continuum of teasing behavior is teasing/sarcasm taken to the worst level.  If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can.  Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs.

In its own way, sarcasm also involves controlling through put-downs.  If you use sarcasm and zing someone else with what you say, you control them by pushing them away.  In other words, you control the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm.

In the process of learning to be assertive, paying attention to the role sarcasm plays in your life is an important exercise.

Since I have written over and over again that assertiveness is about respect in relationships, any time I find myself feeling like making a sarcastic comment, I have to ask myself, what happened to the respect I have had for the other person.   I learn about myself in this exercise and usually can return to the respectful communication that I want to have with the people in my life.

In good assertive communication, respect is a constant and self-awareness is the foundation of maintaining that respect in the communication.