Interpersonal Communication Diffuses Violence

With the assassination attempt on Gabrielle Giffords and the ongoing war in Iraq, violence is certainly a part of our ongoing news.  I am struck by how anyone thinks it is effective to be aggressive rather than assertive.  

Aggression involves attacking, whether by words or weapons.  An attack is an aggression.  Damage happens as a result of aggression.

Assertiveness involves respectful communication between two parties in an effort to come to a meeting of the minds, an agreement of how to handle a conflictual situation.  Generally everyone walks away from an assertive interaction with at least some of their needs being met.  So good feelings are generally the result of an assertion.

In my car yesterday I listened to Bob Edwards’ weekend as Bob Edwards interviewed Gary Noesner.  Mr. Noesner was a hostage negotiator with the FBI for thirty years and has written a book about it: Stalling For Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator.  

In the interview, he said “Interpersonal communication diffuses violence.”  What a powerful statement to make.

If communication is used effectively, then there should be no need for violence.  Wars start because negotiations break down.  People die in hostage situations when negotiation isn’t effective.  And on a smaller scale, angry interactions between two people result in really bad feelings.

If someone approaches you with an angry demeanor, your anticipation of their anger starts a level of inner tension.  As a beekeeper, I’ve been taught never to approach my beehives wearing black.  The bees think you are a bear and respond aggressively because they anticipate violence and an attack.  If I wear white or light colors, the bees are much more likely to allow my intrusion into their hive.

Assuming that an assertive interaction is possible and will work is the force behind hostage negotiation, as described by Mr. Noesner.  How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.  

If you want to review the basics of assertiveness, there’s a free class on my webpage.  It’s a Powerpoint presentation, hitting the high points of how to approach communication assertively.

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey.....

Many people think that being assertive means getting your way no matter what. This is not the definition of being assertive.

In fact, being assertive means being tuned into the other person and approaching that person with a respectful comment or request in an effort to make your point or to influence the occurrence of a needed change.

If you think of the other person as someone with whom you want to join in order to effect a change, then out comes the honey. As a beekeeper, I love the expression: “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…” While apparently science experiments show that sweet balsamic vinegar will catch more flies than honey will, in our folksy sayings in this country, honey wins out.

In an assertive interaction, you use honey to effect the change by employing empathy with the other person as well as trying to imagine what he or she might want out of the situation.

Recently Atlanta had a paralysis brought about by a snowstorm followed by a period of five days or temperatures well below freezing. The snow all turned to ice within 24 hours and the city came to a standstill. We had a major snow like this in March, 1993 (known as the Storm of the Century) and in January, 1982 (known as SnowJam '82), if I remember correctly.

Atlanta is in the deep south and it is not a cost effective plan for the city to own a lot of snow removal equipment which is needed once every ten years or so.   So with resources stretched to the limits, many city streets were not cleared throughout the five days of the ice.  Angry people were interviewed on the news and I am sure people made furious, aggressive calls demanding that their street be cleared.

I am part of a huge neighborhood e-blast group and an e-blast went out early in the week, explaining how to report a street that needed scraping to the Department of Public Works.

My friend called the number given for the Department of Public Works and let them know that she imagined they were being swamped with calls for street clearing.  She probably said something like, “I imagine you all are overwhelmed with people wanting their street scraped, so I’m sure hearing from me is an echo of many calls you’ve already had.  It must be difficult to talk to so many frustrated people.” 

After listening to my friend, the person on the other end would have felt like my friend connected with him/her and understood the frustration brought by all the angry callers.  Her comment was empathic and recognized the stress these people must have been under during those days.

Then she put in her request:  “My street is a cut through to Roswell Road (a major road in Atlanta) and cars are slipping all over my street.  I’m sure it would help the situation for people trying to get to Roswell Road if you would scrape my street.”

Her street was scraped and passable the next day. 

You can catch more flies with honey….. 

Approaching New Year's Resolutions Assertively

As the new year begins, most people make resolutions to keep during the year.  Let’s look at how to set resolutions in a way that will allow you to be successful in both setting and keeping them.

A resolution is an assertion that you make to yourself and sometimes to others as well. 

Characteristics of an Assertive Resolution:

An assertive resolution is:

• A stand that you take first with yourself
• Enhances your self-esteem (the other side of this is that if you should fail at a resolution, it should not damage your self-esteem
• Includes respect for yourself and others
• Is realistic.  It is something to which you can make a real commitment
• Is simple to accomplish

The difference between a Goal and a Resolution

Let's look at each of these concepts.

GOAL:  According to Webster's dictionary, "a goal is the end toward which effort is directed."  

Many times people make goals for themselves for the year and call them resolutions.  A typical goal at the turn of the year is about losing weight or exercising.  If I make a resolution to lose 20 pounds, then I will feel bad about myself if I only lose 19.  On the other hand, if I set the GOAL of losing 20 pounds, then I can feel great about my effort toward that goal.

In psychology, we have a concept called successive approximation.  Successive Approximation is a fancy way of saying that there are many little accomplishments on the way to a goal.  All of these accomplishments are to be celebrated and if we don't get all the way to the goal, we can still feel good about what we gained along the way.

So set goals toward which you can aim in areas that are hard to achieve.  If I say that my goal is to exercise more, and I aim in that direction, I can feel good about myself if I exercise one more day than I do now, or I can feel even better if I exercise two more days than I do now.  I'm celebrating success in either event.

RESOLUTION:  According to Webster's Dictionary is a "determination; a formal expression of will, opinion or intent (A determination is the act of deciding definitely and firmly.).

If I make a resolution, it's like making a promise to myself about something I am committed to and intend to keep.

Here's an example of a resolution that is assertive with myself and others:

One week before she was supposed to go to college, my youngest daughter was in a terrible automobile accident in which she pulled out in front of a speeding car.  She is fine now, but in the accident she broke her pelvis in three places, had to go to her freshman year in college three weeks late, and was on crutches for the first eight weeks of her time at college.

I made a resolution (that I have reaffirmed every year since then) that I would always drive the speed limit on Atlanta city streets and that I would always stop at yellow lights.  Let's look at this resolution for the characteristics of a good assertive resolution.

• Driving the speed limit and stopping at yellow lights is a stand that I take for myself but which also affects others.  Drivers in Atlanta rarely drive the speed limit, so going 35 in a 35 mile zone makes those who go 50 quite irritated.  Sometimes I have a line of unhappy (but forced to go the speed limit) drivers behind me.  
• Driving the speed limit enhances my self-esteem because I feel good about myself for doing the right thing.  I also know that I have control of my car so that if a teenager pulled in front of me, I could stop without doing harm.  If I fail to drive the speed limit, I will feel guilty, but it will not hurt my self-esteem.
• Driving the speed limit is respectful of myself, the other drivers, and the laws of the city in which I live.  The driver behind me who is angrily hugging my tail is aggressive, not assertive
• Driving the speed limit is realistic - after all, it's the law.  If I drive the speed limit, I won't get a ticket (a built-in reward!)
• Driving the speed limit is simple to accomplish.  All I have to do is to remember to read the signs.

Here's an example of a resolution that is assertive with myself:

About twelve years ago, I set a goal of drinking eight glasses of water a day.  This goal has all the characteristics of a good assertive resolution:

• By drinking more water, I am taking a stand with myself about staying in good health
• Drinking more water enhances my self-esteem because I feel better about my skin, my body, and take some pride in choosing water over a soft drink.  If I were to fail at this promise to myself, I would not damage my self-esteem.
• Drinking more water to make me healthier is by definition having respect for myself and my state of being
• Drinking more water is realistic - always on hand and available.
• For me this has been simple to accomplish.  I see people every hour in my office, so I decided to drink a glass of water with each client.  Sometimes I fudge a little and drink tea.  Mostly though I use a water bottle and drink water all day long.  I intended this as a goal for one year twelve years ago and it has become a regular feature of my life today.

With the arrival of 2011, set inspiring goals for yourself and make assertive resolutions that you can keep.


NOTE:  I do not drive 55 on the Atlanta Interstates - which is the limit.  If I did so I would be killed.  Nobody drives under 60 on the highways in Atlanta and most drive around 65 - 70.


If you'd like a good laugh, some GSU students made this movie several years ago in which five cars lined up on the Interstate in Atlanta and all drove 55. The results are pretty amusing and a little scary.

It Doesn’t Pay to be an Ostrich

When someone seems timid about taking action, one might say, like an ostrich, that he is hiding his head in the sand.

Dr. Karl of “Dr. Karl’s Great Moments in Science” informs us that the ostrich may do many things “but hiding its head in the sand is not one of them.” Instead, when an ostrich is frightened, one of its reactions is to try to lie flat on the ground  and make itself inconspicuous.  A bird that weighs 155 kg or approximately 341.41 pounds is not easily hidden, so even lying flat, its large belly rises visible to all.

However, like an ostrich, many of us do try to avoid conflict with others because it makes us uncomfortable.   Assertively addressing authority figures when something is wrong is very often worth the effort and energy it takes.

My son-in-law is not happy about the road in front of his office building in Atlanta.  When Shirley Franklin was mayor of Atlanta, she promised to fill the potholes.  The mess in front of my son-in-law’s building was never addressed.

Now Kasim Reed, Atlanta’s new mayor, has appointed a public works commissioner, Mr. Richard Mendoza, formerly public works commissioner in San Antonio.  On Mr. Mendoza’s first day on the job, he was reminded that potholes are among the biggest public works problems in Atlanta. 

In Atlanta, 10th street has a section where the center two lanes of the four lane street are impassable.  The road is in waves of tarmac, rough riding at best and possibly damaging to any car that chooses those lanes.  If you drive on 10th near the Hemphill intersection, you can see drivers move over to avoid the center lanes.  

If you’d like to know the location, here is where the stretch of bad road is.  I use the word “stretch” because the area encompasses at least three to four car lengths of bad pavement.

My son-in-law, is going to make sure that Mendoza knows about the street problem near his office.  Kevin has driven over this section of road for a number of years now and he’s not willing to sit quietly about it any longer.

Unlike the ostrich, Kevin is taking action.  He has written the mayor, the head of the city council, his representative on the city council and Mr. Mendoza, the public works commissioner.  Once he hears or fails to hear from them, he will launch phase two of his approach, which I believe will be either a second letter or a phone call to the office of each of the recipients of his letters.  I don’t believe he will stop until he gets results.

He has already heard from Mendoza who responded with a work order number for the project.  As he said, “Score one for Kevin!”

He has a plan; he’s following it; and if his assertiveness pays off, 10th street will be a smoother ride for drivers in Atlanta.

Sarcasm: Humor that Hurts

When I teach at Emory in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine, my goal with the doctoral  students in physical therapy is to help them understand that communication is about being sensitive to the other person.  Attaining the necessary level of sensitivity for good communication involves not only tuning in to the other person but also knowing yourself well. 

Communication is learned at your family’s dinner table or in the family car when you were growing up.  Communication styles in families are imitated by the members.  In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.”  If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.

I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person.  They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken.  I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful. 

They never can. 

They try and even at the end of the semester some remain unconvinced but there is no example of sarcasm or “teasing” as it is sometimes called in families that is not hurtful.

“Definition of SARCASM (from Merriam Webster.com)

1

: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

2

a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual
b : the use or language of sarcasm

 Sarcasm is from the  French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwarəs- to cut

First Known Use: 1550”

Since it’s been in use in the language since 1550, we can know that human beings have needed to zing and push away from each other for quite a long time. 

Sarcasm and teasing are used to get distance from the other person.  Zinging a person is a way of pushing them away from you.  A good question to ask yourself is why do you need to treat that person in such a way as to make them distanced from you?

 

Today in the school systems there is a focus on bullying and the harm that can come from that.  Bullying on the continuum of teasing behavior is teasing/sarcasm taken to the worst level.  If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can.  Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs.

In its own way, sarcasm also involves controlling through put-downs.  If you use sarcasm and zing someone else with what you say, you control them by pushing them away.  In other words, you control the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm.

In the process of learning to be assertive, paying attention to the role sarcasm plays in your life is an important exercise.

Since I have written over and over again that assertiveness is about respect in relationships, any time I find myself feeling like making a sarcastic comment, I have to ask myself, what happened to the respect I have had for the other person.   I learn about myself in this exercise and usually can return to the respectful communication that I want to have with the people in my life.

In good assertive communication, respect is a constant and self-awareness is the foundation of maintaining that respect in the communication.

Anger Expressed Aggressively Pulls for the Responder to Use Anger as Well

In our country right now, the two parties in Congress are powerfully split, with the current losing party as well as a group called the Tea Party saying angry and aggressive things in public about the Healthcare bill.  Healthcare is such a powerful issue that if the shoe were on the other foot, it might be happening in reverse.

On the View the other day, Whoopie Goldberg and her guests pointed out the aggressive behavior of a well-known political figure who, unhappy about healthcare, had suggested it was time to “reload.”  This politician had published on Facebook a map peppered with people named as targets with cross-hairs on their names.  Her point was to get these people out of Congress because they had voted for the Healthcare bill.  However, using targets and suggesting "reloading" depicted her wishes in an aggressive fashion, implying anger and violence.

The participants on the View were outraged (the politician was aggressive and as they talked about it, the View participants expressed themselves in anger.)  Even as the participants on the View agreed with each other that this was badly handled, they were aggressive with each other!  Two who are usually on opposite sides of the fence, jabbed at each other, even as they agreed that they were on the same side this time.  This blatantly showed how even from afar, the aggression of the aforementioned politician pulled for anger back from the View co-hosts.

Participants on the show also spoke about the 60s and how in those time race riots were incited by aggressive statements and acts between groups.  One participant said, “Violence begets violence” and wondered what the other side would do in response to this level of aggression.

Children on the playground are masterful at matching aggression with aggression.  One little boy says to the other, “You’re a big tattle tale.”  The other responds, “You are a bigger one.” 

In the current culture there’s a whole genre of insults traded about one’s mother. The first insult, “Your momma is so fat that she can’t get in the car,” pulls for the insulted person to say, “Your momma is so stupid that she …..” and so on and so on.

Once with another psychologist, I taught a workshop for Emory employees about assertive communication.  Dr. L. and I were role-playing for the participants.  My role was angrily to return a book to the bookstore, while demonstrating absolutely no respect for the sales clerk.  Dr. L. was the sales clerk.

I stormed into the room and slammed the book on the table in front of the “clerk.”  In a raised voice I said, “This is the worst excuse for a book that I have ever read.  I want you to take it back at once or I must speak to your manager.” 

Without hesitating, Dr. L. looked me in the eye and said, “You just spit in my face.” 

In the process of shouting at him, I probably did.  I was humiliated and felt the color rise in my face.  Here we demonstrated what always happens:  Aggression pulls for aggression from the other person.

Aggression is not assertive – aggression is characterized by lack of respect for the other person.  Nothing will be resolved well if there is no respect in the interaction.

There are ways to express your anger assertively rather than aggressively.  Here are three ways to try:

1.  A basic assertive statement:

“I am angry”
“I feel really frustrated right now.”
“I feel furious.”

2.    A behavioral statement:

“When you do xxxxxxxxxx,  I feel frustrated.” 
This is a carefully constructed sentence:  the first half is a specific behavior described:
For example:  “When you leave your clothes all over the living room furniture, I feel so angry.”

This is done instead of blaming the other person.  You don’t say, “You make me feel frustrated.”  Nor do you say, “You are just a slob.”  Instead you tag a behavior and indicate your feeling in response to the behavior.

3.    An observer/reporter statement:

The reporter acts as a fly on the wall, describing what he/she sees without judgment.  This invites dialogue rather than aggression in response.

“I noticed that you just rolled your eyes when I made my last comment.  Usually when that happens we end up fighting.”

Like all aspects of assertive communication, it isn't easy to change your way of communicating.  However, practice makes perfect so I encourage you to try speaking your anger more assertively than aggressively.

Handling Work Place Change Assertively

Today's workplace is characterized by change - people are losing their jobs and with the diminished workforce at many businesses, responsibilities are changing.

Normal reactions to change are shock, denial, resistance, grief and acceptance.

Early in my career I worked at a state mental hospital. I had been hired to train the staff. I love teaching, so I was very happy with my job. I could teach whatever I liked so I offered workshops on stress management, new games, and team building.

One day I received a notice that the teaching unit was closing and that I was now assigned to be a staff psychologist on the unit at the hospital where the long-term mental patients were housed. (SHOCK)

I was hired to teach. I didn't want my new assignment. So I simply didn't go. (DENIAL)

I staged my own version of a sit-in strike, stayed in my old office and continued teaching. Two weeks passed (RESISTANCE).

One day the psychiatrist from the chronic care unit knocked on my office door, took me by the hand and led me to my new office on the chronic care unit.

I left my lovely office with windows looking out onto a beautiful field and moved to my new "office." It had been a linen closet in its previous life - narrow, no windows, dark paneled walls. I took one look and burst into tears. (GRIEF)

Once I made friends with the other staff members and we started planning for treatment of these patients, my attitude began to change. I bought sky blue paint and painted the closet walls to look like the sky. I found posters of windows looking out on lovely gardens and hung them up on my sky blue walls. I was moving into ACCEPTANCE.

The pattern I experienced, moving from shock to denial to resistance to grief to acceptance is the normal course of a reaction to change.

The assertive approach to the challenge of change is defined by claiming the change in a way that works for you. Approach the change positively and gain as much as you can from the process.

Here are the steps to developing a positive approach.

1. Use reframing

Powerlessness is a consequence of workplace change. The decisions often come from corporate headquarters and you cannot do anything to make the results any different.

The unassertive person grumbles and complains in response to the lack of control when the change is announced.

The assertive approach is to "reframe" the way in which you view the change. A photo framed in a solid black frame will look much different than a photo in a cheerful red frame.

If your job responsibilities have shifted, a positive reframe is: "Now I have the opportunity to learn a new skill."

Or if you suddenly have twice as much work as you did before, you could reframe by saying, "Now I'll challenge myself to refine my time management skills."

2. Make a plan for the future.

Examine your goals. Where would you like to be in five years? What are the steps you can take now to aim toward that future life? Write a commitment plan and stick to it. Examine the new form of your current job and determine if it now fits the goals toward which you aim.

If moving to a different job or place of employment is part of your plan, begin now to examine what you need to do and start to take the steps necessary to control your own career.

For example, when my job at the hospital changed from training to chronic care, I began taking steps to leave the job and find a new one.

Starting the process of identifying your values and goals affirms your self-esteem in the middle of change.

3. Take care of yourself.

Handle your stress about the change assertively before it overwhelms you.

• Use deep breathing and muscle relaxation to relieve physical stress.
• Take baths at the end of your stressful workday, get massages, or take a yoga class
• Take breaks during the day to walk around, to take deep breaths, or to gaze out of the window.

Use exercise to help you adapt to change and to keep your anger in check.

Once when I was undergoing a stressful relationship change, I swam laps every morning. With each stroke I said to myself, "I'm angry about !@#$!@," and at the end of the swim, I felt refreshed and relaxed for the rest of the day.

4. Get support for yourself.

Respect is the foundation of asserting yourself. Having respect for yourself includes noticing that you need some support in this time of change. This can take several forms. Go into therapy to sort things out; lean on your friends; talk to others at work about the effects of the changes on your lives.

Change takes time. The secret to adapting to workplace change is to remind yourself that change takes time. Allow yourself time for the process of reacting to the change through the stages of shock, denial, resistance, grief, and acceptance.

Then take steps to move through the change:

• Reframe,
  
• Make a plan,
  
• Take good care of yourself and
  
• Get support.

Handling the change with a positive approach will turn workplace change into an opportunity for your own growth and development.