Tips for Assertiveness in a Job Interview

In these tough economic times many people are experiencing job loss. This morning I read a post on CNN.com about a guy who after losing his job as a mortgage broker, then beat out 300 people to get a job he found on Craigslist. He is now busy and thriving.

In a time of so much unemployment, the job interview has to be an assertive event for the interviewee. Not only do you really need the job, like Josh in the CNN interview, but also you are competing with a lot of other people who equally really need the job.

You therefore MUST be good at having a successful job interview.

Asserting yourself is key to a good job interview. Assertiveness is about having respect for yourself as well as respect for the other person. Respect for yourself means knowing that you are worth hiring enough to make sure that the interviewer knows that as well.

I love listening to politicians. Often an interviewer will ask the politician a question and he/she answers the question in such a way that he/she gets information out that sells her/his platform. In a job interview, your strengths are the platform on which you stand. Assertively inserting this information into the job interview is the essential element in a good job interview.

Here are several ways you can assert your strengths in a job interview:

1. Take with you not only your resume, but a typed list of accomplishments you think you achieved in your last job. This should be a simple list:

• Created a new program focused on X
• Brought XXXX people into the firm
• Timely in accomplishment of tasks

The details of these positive accomplishments can come out in the interview and give you an opportunity to talk about yourself.

Hand this to the interviewer saying assertively, "I made a list of what I achieved in my last job."

2. Bring with you a folder in which you have copies of emails, thank you notes, articles - anything you have to support your list of accomplishments. Note: If you haven't been keeping these type of things, it's a good thing to start doing going forward

3. If a question is one you can answer well, answer it and find a way, as a politician might, to insert something else you'd like the interviewer to know.

Interviewer: "Tell me about your computer skills. Are you familiar with Excel?"

You: "I am quite familiar with Excel and used it everyday in my last job. Your question about Excel reminds me of an Excel project I worked on involving XXXX in which I did XXXXX."

4. Be prepared to assert positive aspects of you into every possible question. And bring with you support for your assertions.

Simplest example:

Interviewer: "We are looking for someone who can write newsletters. I notice on your resume that your last position was an administrative assistant. I'm not sure you have the experience to do this writing job."

You: "Part of what drew me to apply for this job was the opportunity to write newsletters. I often had the opportunity to edit for my boss in my admin post. As a matter of fact, I brought a copy of XXX that I wrote for her when she was too busy to do it herself. In addition, I assumed that you would wonder about my qualifications to write that newsletter so I have written a mock-up of what might be the front page of a newsletter. Here it is."

A more complex example:

Interviewer: "What did you learn as an administrative assistant that would apply to an internal communications post at an environmental engineering firm?" I imagine the interviewer's eyebrows knit together as this question is asked.

Note: This question (and the possible body language with it) pulls for you to be defensive - it's not assertive to be defensive and will put a block between you and the interviewer. Instead you start by making a connection between you and the interviewer and then tailor the question to your advantage.
You: "I can imagine that it seems like a leap to you that I would want this job, but I've always wanted to write. I brought a folder with samples of my writing and in addition to the samples, I also made a mock-up of what might be a front page for a company newsletter here."

Note: The first statement is an empathic assertion - you try to imagine what it's like to be the interviewer and then make an assertive statement: "I've always wanted to write."

The interviewer takes your folder, thinks, "Wow, this person is really eager," reads your material, is impressed and you get the job!

Speaking Up to Doctors and Other Authority Figures

Speaking up to someone who is supposed to be an authority is often hard for people. Nowhere is this more evident than in the physician's office.

I work with a lot of infertility patients and I often have to walk them through how to ask questions of the doctor. Most patients have a list of questions they need to get answers to. But often in the face of a authority figure, we are worried that we will be "wasting their time." This may lead to unneeded apologies, "I'm sorry to take up your time, but I wanted to ask you....."

In the first place, apologizing and the rest of the above sentence does take up the physician's time. If you simply ask the question, time will be more effectively used.

There's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about this very issue. The Journal article focuses on the patient who is concerned about cleanliness and public health. The patient quoted in the first paragraph, screwed his courage to the sticking place when he heard his doctor sneeze outside his examining room door and asked, "Are you going to wash your hands before you examine me?"

The patient used courage to ask the question. However, he could have made an even more effective comment by making an assertive statement rather than asking a question. If you ask, "Are you going to wash your hands, etc?" in reality you have put the ball in the physician's court. He could say, "No, my hands are clean."

As a matter of fact, later in this same article another patient said to her doctor: "I have to ask you to wash your hands, according to that sign right there." The doctor, who cursorily washed her hands, responded defensively to that request, stating that she washes her hands at least 15 times a day.

Whenever you ask someone to do something, you give them the power to refuse. If you make a statement claiming your own agenda in the statement, it is much more powerful and takes away the sense that the receiver has a choice.

Example #1:
"I'd feel much more comfortable if you would wash your hands before examining me."

In this example, you make your assertiveness about you rather than the physician. This direct assertive statement expresses your concerns without implying wrong-doing on the part of the physician. In other words, you are taking responsibility for your own worry rather than pointing a potentially shaming finger at the doctor.

Example #2:
"I imagine you have had a overwhelming morning with all those patients in the waiting room, but I would feel much more secure about my own health if you would wash your hands before we start my examination."

The above is an empathic assertive statement in which you connect with the physician by recognizing his/her personal stresses in the day (so that he/she feels more understood and thus more connected with you) before you make your assertive statement.

The Wall Street Journal article points to the Joint Hospital Commission's work entitled: "Speak Up" which is focused on patient advocacy. The web page is worth reading if you are in a physician's care or dealing with ongoing illness.

Speaking Up, Macy's and the Economy

Our famed consumer advocate in Atlanta, Clark Howard, is fond of calling customer service departments "Customer No-Service." However, as the economy declines or at least is in bad shape, I think we may see more and more attentive customer service.

It's a great time to practice speaking up for yourself.

In this endeavor to speak up to customer service, I had a great "rest of the story" experience with Macy's over the weekend.

I like to shop online. I was invited to a bridal shower on Sunday morning. Just as I was getting ready to purchase a present for the bride online, my power went out. A call to the power company confirmed that the outage would not be repaired until after 8 PM.

Well, I didn't want to sit in a dark, computer-less house (I do spend a lot of time on my computer), so I decided to go to Macy's and shop in person. I took the escalator to the linens department since this was a bed and bath shower. I printed out the bride's registry at 5:20 PM.

She had told me that she hoped someone would give her a duvet cover for which she had registered, but she didn't think anyone would because it was too expensive. There it was on list at half price! I was so excited.

I found someone to help, but she couldn't find the item. A second salesperson took me to a quilt, but not the duvet cover. I asked a third person who said, "Oh, we never have the duvet covers in the store. You can only buy them online." She assured me that it would be the same price online.

Discouraged, I left, finished another errand and returned home. The power was back on - it was 6:20 PM. I went online to order the duvet cover. There it was on Macy's.com but the price was only 1/4 off rather than half price.

I called customer service to find out what the deal was and although the webpage said they were available until 9 PM, the phone message said they had closed at 6 PM and wouldn't be available until Monday morning.

By then, I gave up and bought the duvet cover for 1/4 off.

This morning (Monday) I called Macy's customer service expecting little. I explained what had happened to the very friendly customer service agent. I ended by saying, "I don't think it's right to say the half price is available online but to charge 1/4 off instead. Especially when the only place you can buy the duvet is online."

He put me on hold for a long time.

He returned and in a pleasant voice told me that they would change my charge to be reflective of the half price sale and he was very, very sorry about the inconvenience!

My usual experience is that "Customer no-service" puts many obstacles in the way of helping you to get what you want. Macy's.com gave me such a different experience. I'm glad I called because even two days after the transaction they were willing to give me the credit.

Assertiveness and Open-Mindedness

"My way or the highway." Everyone has heard someone say that. Just like Gottman's principle of stonewalling, this approach does not promote either good relationships or good communication.

In a respectful assertive relationship, a basic aspect of the approach is to stay open to possibilities. If you respect the other person, then by definition, you respect how he/she thinks. In a discussion, if your approach is "my way or the highway," then you are not staying open to other ways of thinking.

Power struggles never end well. Generally the "my way" approach is the first sign of a power struggle. If you can only see one way to do something or to address a problem, then you are on your way to a stand-off rather than a good assertive outcome.

In the current movie, "Slumdog Millionaire," the young boy wants to get the autograph of a famous actor who is in India. His "friend" locks him in the outhouse so that he can't get out to get the autograph. The boy in the outhouse can choose to see it only one way - in which case he is stuck in the outhouse without a hope to get the autograph, or to be open to possibilities.

The possibility he thinks up is to get out of the latrine by dropping into the gross accumulation below the latrine. Since the latrine is positioned up on a platform, this gives him a way out. So, covered with latrine slime, he runs up to the star and does get the autograph - both because he smells and looks so disgusting that the way parts for him to get close to the star and because he thought literally outside the box in order to assert himself!

I often think of the child's story by Leo Lionni called Little Blue and Little Yellow. In the story two colors go out to play: blue and yellow. As they play together, they blend who they are and become (you guessed it!) GREEN! In other words, they created something completely different by putting the best of themselves together.

Now whenever I feel stuck in trying to work something out assertively with someone else, I try to listen to what they are saying to see what ideas they are contributing to blend with mine so that we can create our own version of GREEN.

{Note: "Slumdog Millionaire" is full of examples of the assertiveness of the main character - and is a fabulous movie, aside from the assertiveness throughout!}

The Weight of Your Words: Empowerment through Voice Tone

Speaking assertively is an art. Essential to that art is the use of voice tone.

I tell my students that your voice, in an assertive statement, should end with your tone going down at the end of your sentence. If you do not, then you will sound uncertain, less powerful, questioning your own stand.

A political year is a great time to observe this. I'm including in this post two videos - one of former President Bush and the second of President Obama. Both men are in press conferences dealing with difficult subjects. Listen to their voice tone through the taped conference.

Former President Bush was an interesting figure to listen to because he presented himself quite differently in voice tone in speeches than he did in press conferences. He had practiced speeches and had been coached. In speeches he generally sounded more confident. Why? Because in a speech he had practiced bringing his voice down at the end of the sentence.

He is asked hard questions in this press conference, which I believe took place in April 2007. Without the safety net of the practiced speech, you'll notice that his voice goes up at the end of the sentence. This makes him sound less sure of himself, somewhat defensive and does not make his audience feel confident in what he is saying.

He says things that should sound solid and confidential and instead his voice rises at the end of his sentences. In talking about the Iraq war, listen for him to say "We're going to succeed." with his voice going up as he says it. Then a few sentences later, voice rising again, he says, "I'm going to develop a plan that will help us achieve our objectives." But with that rise at the end, why should anyone believe that he believes he can do so. And so his approval ratings would decrease.



The press conference with President Obama took place in April 2008 when he had to disconnect with Reverend Wright. Obama is a polished speaker and speaks in general in a measured way. His voice often ends sentences down in a firm place. In this press conference at the beginning, his voice rises at the end of sentences. I imagine he was feeling a little defensive and less sure.

Suddenly he regains his voice and says, "...they certainly don't portray accurately my values and beliefs." With that phrase he asserts himself and his voice marches solidly down. This self confidence remains evident through the rest of the press conference.



Listening to the news media is another way to observe the power of voice tone. Most of our TV reporters have been trained to do this and as you listen observantly, you'll notice that they bring their voices down at the end of sentences.

While public figures give us ample opportunity for observation of voice tone, where it counts for each of us is in being aware of how we each employ the empowerment of our voice tone.

When you let your voice go up at the end of the sentence, you sound uncertain. If a person frequently ends on an up note, that person may be characterized as "whiny." A tiny child whines because he/she doesn't believe he/she can get what they want. By the same token a grownup who doesn't believe he/she can get what he/she wants, will sound whiny if their voice goes up at the end.

Get someone to listen when you are under pressure and give you feedback about your use of voice tone.

Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as Communication Barriers

In speaking up for yourself, the key element as I have frequently mentioned is RESPECT. If the communication between people is lacking respect, then the assertive connection will not happen.

John Gottman in Seattle, WA, has done extensive research on couples' relationships and has determined that there are four very destructive elements that can wreak havoc in a relationship. These he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, in a Biblical reference. In the Bible the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are the precursors of destruction to come. In a relationship, Gottman says his four horsemen also are precursors of relationship destruction to come.

The Four Horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Because each of these "horsemen" are ways to react to your partner without respect either for yourself or the other person, they also apply to being assertive.

When you criticize the other person, you attack the other person's character, usually with the goal of pointing out how the other person is wrong in some way. This is usually experienced as demeaning and disrespectful.

When you use contempt, the word by definition means that you are looking down on the other person. If you are employing such disregard for the other person, you are not acting out of respect. Respect requires that you assume that the other person is worth knowing, and if you remove the respect and look down on the other person, the assertive connection is lost.

When you are defensive, the communication is broken because you are focused on convincing the other person that you are too right or that you did NOT make a bad decision, etc. When you move into defensiveness, you in effect erect a wall between yourself and the other person, disrupting the possibility of connection. In essence, the defensive person pulls for the other person to take care of him/her, disregarding the issue at hand.

When you are stonewalling, you are not open to any other view than your own. Again, this is not respectful because you are not allowing the possibility that the other person may have something to contribute that is of value. Usually stonewalling includes withdrawing from the relationship in a passive pull to get the other person to come over to your way of thinking. Stonewalling may also be used to avoid conflict.

Note: these four horsemen may be present nonverbally as well as verbally.

• Criticism can be demonstrated non-verbally by shaking one's head "No" as the other person is speaking.
  
• A prime demonstration of contempt is to roll one's eyes. Eye rolling implies that you have disdain for the other person.
• Defensiveness can be read non-verbally if a person looks as if he/she is backing away or mentally warding off a blow
• Stonewalling can occur non-verbally by leaving the room, refusing to speak to the other person, or muttering under your breath.
  

So in order to have an effective assertive connection, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as described by Gottman, cannot be present, either in how you act or what you say.

A List of the Qualities of an Effective Assertive Statement

The January 2009 issue of Real Simple is devoted to lists. I imagine they chose this as a nod to the many life-changing types of lists people make in January - New Year's Resolutions, to-do lists, etc.

I feel compelled to join in the theme with my list of the qualities of an effective assertive statement. If you think you've said something assertively, it should have these aspects:

• The statement should convey respect for yourself as well as respect for the person to whom you are speaking.
  
• The statement should be simple:
  
  Example: "I want this to happen...." or "I don't want to do ......" If you add too many details, you lose impact.
  
• The statement should not be blaming.
  
  Example: "You made me feel XXX," is not an effective assertive statement because it blames the other person. "When XXXX behavior happened, I felt upset," is effectively assertive because it describes problematic behavior paired with your own personal feelings and therefore does not point fingers.
  
• An effective assertive statement invites the other person to connect with you to work on the issue. An assertive statement is not designed to push the other person away.
  
• An effective assertive statement is fact-based. This by definition usually precludes the use of absolutes in an assertive statement such as "You always...." or "You never...."
  
  Example: "You always leave your coffee cup on the desk for me to pick up," is both blaming and absolute. A fact-based statement is: "When you leave your coffee cup on the desk, I feel angry."

Happy New Year!