Making the First Down in Speaking Up and in Football

Football always looked to me like a game of violence.  I thought the players were just trying to knock down the guy with the ball and to damage as many others on the field as possible. 

I am now learning that football is a very intelligent game.  The fundamentals of football include

1.  Identifying the goal,
2.  Determining how to get to the goal,
3.  Motivating yourself (and the team) to get to the goal, and
4.  Being prepared to counteract any attempts to keep you from getting to the goal.

In football the field is immense (100 yards long).  Even if you have the ball in the center of the field, you still have to travel 50 yards to the goal line.  If you focus on the goal, the distance could seem overwhelming.  


However, that’s not how it is done in football.  Instead the ball is moved down the field by making downs of ten yards each.

The point of the football game is to keep your eye on the ball and move the ball to the goal line to score. Along the way, you must keep your energy goal-directed and you must get any obstacles out of the path.

Let’s see how this applies to speaking up for yourself.

Identify the goal

In speaking up for yourself, you can set an ultimate goal toward which you are working.  Keeping your eye on the ball means moving yourself toward this long term goal.  Here are some examples of long range goals that a person might set:

Margaret’s goal: “I will meet my goal when I speak up in a corporate meeting in front of at least 30 other colleagues”

MaryBeth’s goal: “I will meet my goal when I successfully negotiate with my husband and take an active part in the decision making in our relationship”

Steve’s goal: “I will meet my goal when I am offered a new job in a higher level position in my company.”

What might your goal be?

Determine how to get to the goal

On the football field, getting to the goal involves moving the ball down the field.  Built into football is the idea of taking small steps toward a big goal.  In football each ten yard increment is a first down.  You get four tries in working to make a first down.


If you don't make the first down in four tries, the offensive team goes to the bench and tries to come up with a better strategy for the next opportunity to make the first down. With each small step toward our larger goal, we make first downs in speaking up for ourselves.

Margaret knew that she needed to try for first downs as she moved toward her goal which was:  “I will achieve my goal when I speak up in a corporate meeting in front of at least 30 other colleagues.”  She set some “ten yard” goals for herself.

• First play:

1. Margaret volunteered for a small committee (five people) at work on which some of the more vocal employees participated.
2. Margaret committed to speak up at least once in every committee meeting

When Margaret did both of these items, she gave herself credit for getting a first down.  She then planned her next play.

• Next play:

1.  Margaret decided to write a memo to one of the executives on the 30 person corporate team about an action she would like to use to move an office project forward
2.  Margaret will follow up the memo with a phone call to the corporate team member to see what he/she thinks

When Margaret succeeds at this, she will work to develop another play in which Margaret will speak individually to several other members of the team about her action idea

As you can see, Margaret is steadily working her way down the field toward her goal.

Motivating yourself to keep moving toward the ultimate goal

Margaret wants to keep her energy and motivation high.  To do this,

• She can reshape and define her goals, based on the previous play.

   If the play went well, Margaret will want to find the successful elements in it to apply to the next play.  If the play didn’t go well, Margaret will make a new action plan

• She can stay focused on her ultimate goals so that each play is in the right direction.
• She can develop reinforcement for herself.

  Just as the football player takes a moment on the bench between plays to drink some Gatorade and regroup, Margaret must take care of herself to keep her positive energy up

• She can have someone cheering her on.

  It’s difficult to meet goals alone, but helpful and gratifying to meet a goal with someone noticing and cheering for you

Being prepared to counteract any attempts to keep you from getting to the goal

In football, the quarterback may attempt to run the ball and be pushed back several yards.  On the next play, the quarterback tries to make up the yards lost and add some more yards in the progress to the first down.

The defensive linebackers in football are positioned to stop the play.  Their job is to keep the quarterback from getting a first down.  Unfortunately in life there often are people who serve as linebackers who block our attempts to make progress.

A smart quarterback tries to see the linebackers and maneuver around them.

Margaret will try to anticipate the ways her attempts to reach her goal might be blocked.

• She will learn how to counter the disrespectful person who may make fun of her efforts to speak up in the committee meeting.
• She will practice assertive ways to make her position known in a powerful manner. 
• She will ask someone else to read the memo she will write in her second play to give her feedback and suggestions.

In a football game if the play fails, the coach and the players simply look at it as a blown play.  It’s not the end of the world.  At the end of a bad play, the football players and the coach huddle and make a plan for the next play.

Note:  The players don’t stand in the huddle and worry about the play that was just made.  They don’t berate themselves: e.g., “if I hadn’t been so clumsy, I wouldn’t have dropped the ball.”  A blown play means that it will now take three great plays to make a first down instead of the four they had available at first.

So in the huddle, they just plan the next play.

After all, the goal is to make a first down on the way to a touchdown.

It’s up to you – plan your goals and begin making plays to get to the first downs as you move down the field!  If one play doesn’t advance you toward your goal, just plan for the next one.  Go for it and good luck!


(Thanks to Friday Night Lights for the inspiration for this article)

Handing off the Baton: Assertive Delegation

In track and field, a good relay race involves the tight cooperation of four runners.  Each runner goes part of the distance and hands the baton off to the next runner.  If the baton exchange is a clean one, the chances for winning the race are much better than if the baton is dropped or the exchange is not handled well.

In a clean handoff, the second runner begins to run as the first runner enters the exchange zone.  For a perfect exchange, the runners’ hands are precisely parallel and the baton is transferred smoothly.  If the runners have to fumble to find each other’s hands; if they are not in step with each other; if they don’t run a precise distance together during the handoff, the race is over for the team.

For the baton exchange to happen well, the runners have to give up their ego needs in the service of the needs of the team.  Each runner’s best strength determines where he/she runs in the relay.  For example, the best starter runs the first leg of the race.  This person must be counted on not to have a false start and must be able to do the baton exchange almost perfectly.  The second and third runners must run strong and fast.  They must each be good both at passing the baton and at receiving it.  The last runner, the anchor, must keep a level head and must be able to handle the pressure well.  He/she cannot start running too soon, even if the team is behind and there is ground to make up.

In establishing a good baton exchange for the team, the coach must consider trust, strength, dependability, timing, and accuracy.

Assertive delegation includes all the characteristics of a clean baton exchange.  Opportunities for  assertive delegation arise at home when dividing household tasks, in our personal lives when working on committees and in clubs or organizations, and in business while working with others.

First in order to delegate assertively, you must be prepared to trust the person to whom you handoff the task.  When delegation is difficult, the person handing off the task is often unwilling to let it go.

Many of us grew up with the adage: “If you want something done well, you have to do it yourself.”
However, if you hold onto the baton in the transfer, unwilling to let it go completely, the receiver is likely to stumble and won’t be able to complete his/her job effectively.  A good assertive statement in passing the baton will assure you that the task will happen as you wish and will increase your trust in the other person.

Be precise in your handoff

Think about exactly what you need at the end of the task to feel good about the task’s completion.  Make an assertive statement to clarify what the other person should accomplish.  To be effective, this statement must not only convey respect to the other person, but must also be very specific about expectations.

Here is an example of a poor handoff:
“Hi, Nora.  Remember the vendor accounts?  Well, I need you to finish them up by Friday.”

Now here is an example of a clear assertive delegation:
“Nora, I want you to complete the work on the vendor accounts.  To complete the assignment you will need to:
1) contact all the vendors;
2) give them instructions in writing;3) make sure that all of them have paid you by Friday.”

On the home front a poor handoff is:
“Billy, I’d like you to do the laundry this weekend.”  This is not clear enough and leaves much room for misinterpretation.

Assumptions are a big problem when delegation is not precise.  My definition of “do the laundry” may mean something completely different from Billy’s definition.  Billy, for example, may think that “do the laundry” means to put one basket of clothes into the washing machine and start it.

A clear assertive delegation is specific:
“Billy, I want you to do the laundry this weekend.  This means that you wash all of the laundry in all of the baskets, dry all of the wet laundry in the dryer, fold all of the clothes and stack each person’s folded laundry on his/her bed.”

Run along beside the delegate for a moment
to complete the handoff well

As the first runner hands the baton off to the second, for a short period they are running together.  In handing off a task, you must determine how figuratively to run beside your delegate.  For example, first you give your instructions.  To run beside him/her for a moment, you say assertively, “OK, Nora, now what is your understanding of what I am asking you to do?”

As you hear her answer, you can complete the handoff, knowing that she is clear about her leg of the race.  If she isn’t clear, then stay with her long enough for both of you to be satisfied that the task instructions are understood.

In our home example, you’ll need to hear Billy’s understanding of his instructions.  He may wish to write the instructions down or you may provide him with a written list.  When I taught my children to do laundry, I posted instructions in the laundry room for how to start the washing machine and how to run the dryer so that no child could say, “I forgot how....”

Building in dependability

As the race is run, each runner is watching the other three, mentally staying in pace as the race progresses.  Each runner depends on the ability of the other three to complete the relay.

In assertive delegation, we build in dependability in two ways.

1. We choose our delegate well.

Our history with the person to whom we delegate is a large factor in choosing him/her.  However, sometimes we delegate to challenge another person or to provide them with an opportunity to grow.  (This is likely to be what we are doing in trying to train Billy to do the laundry!)

2.  We build in an action to allow us to follow what our delegate is doing.

For example, in our instructions to Nora, we might say assertively, “Nora, I’d like you to email me every morning to let me know where you are on the project.  In doing this, I’ll have a daily progress report and I can cheer you on.”

For Billy, an assertive comment is: “Billy, I know doing the laundry will be hard, so I’ll check on you on Sunday and cheer if you are doing the job well.”  Another approach for Billy is:  “Billy, if you have any trouble doing the laundry, come and ask me for advice.  I’ll gladly give suggestions, but doing the laundry will still be your job.”

Timing is everything

In a relay race, timing is everything.  The second runner must be poised to start as the first runner approaches.  In fact, the second runner begins to run just as the first runner enters the exchange zone.

In our assertive delegation, we will more likely delegate to someone who can see us coming.  We will choose a person who can anticipate how we might need his/her help and who will already be on the move when we arrive.

Timing is also a key factor at the end of the race.  If the handoffs have gone well, the runners will be as efficient as possible as they approach the finish line.  No wasted time will slow the finish down.

In delegating a task assertively, we can point to timing in our initial instructions to our delegate.  For example, we might say to Nora, “Nora, our deadline for this project is next Friday.  I want the project in on time.  What do you think will help you get to the deadline?  What will be a roadblock on the way to the deadline? ”

With children like Billy, timing may have to include consequences.  For example, “Billy, I’ll expect the laundry to be finished by 5 PM on Sunday.  Because everyone needs their clean clothes on Monday morning, I’ll expect you to work until you’re finished, even if that means missing your favorite Sunday night show.”

Winning the medal at the end of the race

When a relay team wins the event, each team member gets a medal.  This rewards each individual for his or her contribution to the whole team’s accomplishment.

In delegation, we must think like the coach of the team.  If you delegate a task, plan a reward for the completion of the task.  If your employee finishes the project on or before deadline, reward him/her.  This reward can be simple: an extra half hour for lunch; getting to go home early one day; or a big sign on the team bulletin board: “NORA FINISHED THE VENDOR PROJECT!” 

And if Billy actually does the laundry, I’m sure you and he can create a list of rewards that he would love to receive!

I Am Going - An Assumption Undermines Communication

Mo Willems writes children’s books that convey basic conflicts in life in beautifully presented, simple ways.  His themes of friendship, connection, and communication, told for children, reflect issues that adults face as well.

My grandson loves I am Going! because it’s the very first book he read himself cover to cover.  I love I am Going! because it deals with assumptions and how they bring confusion to communication.

Willems’ series about Elephant and Piggie focuses on Gerald, a neurotic elephant, and Piggie, a happy-go-lucky pig.  When Piggie announces to Gerald, “I am going!” Gerald is filled with anxiety.  

He assumes Piggie is abandoning him.  In desperation he pleads, “Go later!  Go tomorrow!  Go next week!  Go next month!  GO NEXT YEAR!”  But Piggie sticks to her original statement, “I am going now.”  

Gerald, who is reacting from his assumption about abandonment, stays in a state of panic until Piggie finally tells him that she is going to lunch.  He spent a tremendous amount of emotional energy when a simple question to clarify what Piggie meant would have saved that for him.  All he needed to ask was either “Why are you going?” or “Where are you going?”  Instead he assumed she was abandoning him and reacted accordingly.

In many couples that I work with in therapy, the issue of assumption often clouds communication.  Sometimes the reaction is an assumption which is the result of history.  He says, “I know what will happen if I try to connect more with her.  She’ll criticize me and tell me I’m doing it wrong.”  His assumption keeps him from taking the risk of connecting with his partner.  

Sometimes the assumption is like Gerald’s assumption, attributing a meaning when a clarifying question would save the day.  She says, “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”  He, a guy who came from Michigan, assumes she doesn’t like his state and maybe doesn’t want to do things he wants to do.  The resulting resentment he feels clouds his next statement to her.  “Well,” he says in a hurt tone, “ we don’t HAVE to go on vacation at all.”

If he had not made the assumption, the conversation could have gone like this:

She:  “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”
He:  “What do you like best about going to Florida?” ⬅ Note: clarifying question
She:  “It’s always warm and sunny when we go.  In Michigan, I always need a coat.”
He:  “With all my relatives in Michigan, I do like to go there.  Wonder how we could go on vacation and both feel good about it?”
She:  “How about if we go to Michigan in late July?  Then it’s so much warmer than it would be now over spring break.  We could go to Florida now for Spring Break and then to Michigan in July.”

When assumptions are waylaid by a clarifying question - in this example: “What do you like best about going to Florida?” then good communication can take place.

Sometimes your assumption may be right.  

She:  “I’d rather go to Florida than to Michigan any day.”
He:  “What do you like best about going to Florida?”
She (in a snarky tone): “Your family ISN”T there.”

But that is for another article about how contempt is a roadblock to connection!

Learning to Argue with Respect

Recently NPR had an article about how important it is for teens to learn to argue with their parents.  Typically teenage arguments are comprised of screaming, yelling, slamming doors.  I remember when my brother and I were teenagers, he actually threw his shoe through a wall while screaming at my parents.

NPR's piece takes the stand that a teen can learn to negotiate in adult life if his/her parents handle arguing with the teenager well.

I've been watching the five seasons of Friday Night Lights, a wonderfully written and acted TV show that didn't catch on too well with the public.  The show follows the drama of a football coach and his family through five seasons.  In the process Coach Taylor and his wife Tami parent a teenage daughter, Julie.  While Julie has her moments of yelling and slamming doors, for the most part, the interactions between her and her parents are filled with mutual respect.

The respect is there because Coach Taylor and Tami Taylor demonstrate throughout the series one of the best marriages I've ever seen in a TV series.  They disagree, they disappoint each other, but they also fulfill each other and respect each other throughout each interaction.

One of the best examples of a respectful conversation with a teenage daughter occurs in Season Three, Episode 10 - "The Giving Tree."  Julie and Tami have a perfect interaction of a respectful mother and daughter in discussion after Tami discovers that Julie is having sex with her boyfriend.  Coach has an equally respectful conversation with Matt, Julie's boyfriend, in this episode as well.

While modeling respect provides a good foundation for effective arguing, communication skills involved in a respectful argument can be taught as well.

The basic elements of a good argument are mutual respect, good listening, and the ability and willingness to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

• Mutual Respect:

A relationship which incorporates mutual respect has communication interactions that reflect this.

Sarcasm, contempt, or joking with the goal of poking at the other person are not demonstrative of respect.  The dictionary defines respect as: "having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others."  Wikipedia says that contempt is the antonym of respect.   When anything other than respect enters communication, then distancing results.

Remember that respect is conveyed not only by the words you choose but also by the tone of voice you use.  Sarcasm, contempt and other distancing can be sensed if your voice tone reflects those emotions.  A caring well-modulated tone of voice will serve well to send a message of respect.

• Good Listening:

Often in an argument, one is inclined to think of what you want to say next rather than to listen.  Listening well requires that you take your attention out of your own head and focus on what the other person is saying.

An assertive way to demonstrate that one is listening is to say back to the other person what you heard him/her say or your interpretation of what you heard the other person say.

"So I understand from what you say that none of your friends have to be in by midnight."

• Putting yourself in the other person's shoes

Trying to stay aware of what the other person may feel as he/she speaks and listens during an argument will keep you connected to that person.  Make comments that let the other person know you are trying to understand him/her in the course of the conversation.  Even when you are on opposite sides of the fence, an empathic comment strengthens the connection between you and the person with whom you are arguing.

Example:  "When you said that a curfew is unreasonable, you seemed angry that your dad and I want to set a  limit about how long you can stay out on Friday."

Whatever the topic, try to end the argument on a note of mutual agreement:

"OK, so as I understand what we've talked about, we've agreed that your curfew will be 12:30 rather than midnight and that we'll try this out for a couple of weeks to see how it goes.  Then we'll get back together and see if we need to change anything about this agreement."

Of course these principles of effective, assertive argument apply not only to talking with teenagers but also to conversations in daily life with anyone.

Speaking Up For Yourself Assertively: Assertiveness Class offered in Atlanta

Making an effort to be more assertive is a common New Year's resolution.  If this is your resolution or if you simply would like to learn more about speaking up for yourself, I am offering a face to face class in Atlanta on Saturday, February 4 from 9 - 12 at my office in Atlanta.  

What:  A Class in Assertive Communication

Who:  Taught by Dr. Linda Tillman

When:  Saturday, February 4

                   9 AM - Noon

Where:  1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Atlanta, GA    

What you will experience:

  Learn the basics of assertive communication

  Learn how to handle yourself assertively both verbally and nonverbally

·             Learn how to express anger assertively rather than aggressively

·             Learn how to negotiate assertively and effectively

·             Learn how to give feedback clearly and respectfully

The group will be limited to 10 people

How to register:  Click here

Cost:  $100 per person

*Special discount:  If you are coming with your partner or spouse, the total for the two of you is $160

We can accept payment by PayPal, credit card, or check

Speak Up Proactively - With a Smile

An opportunity for advocating for yourself by speaking up occurs every time you begin a new relationship with any type of salesperson, an attorney, a mechanic, or a physician.

Let's look at each of the above examples:

The Salesperson

How many of you have felt pressure from a salesperson?

It seems to happen most to me when I am looking at large appliances such as washer/dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators. And of course, it happens when you are attempting to purchase a car.

Plan the limits you will set ahead of the visit to the store or the car lot. Sometimes it helps to speak to the salesperson before he/she speaks to you. As the salesperson approaches, you smile and say, "I'm just looking."

If the salesperson says, "Let me show you the best features of this xxxxxxxx," then you can say, "I'd like to know about the best features, but then I want some time to look around by myself. I'm only looking and don't plan to buy anything today."

And then you smile again.

The Attorney

Every attorney with whom I have met has a vast amount of knowledge about how I should be protecting myself in my life. One of the difficulties of visiting an attorney is that often he/she has important information about other legal issues you may need to take care of, other than the one for which the appointment is made.


However, I can get overwhelmed by the possibilities of decisions to be made that were not on my agenda.

A proactive way to approach the attorney is to smile at the beginning of the appointment and say, "I really appreciate all the ways you look out for me.  I know your suggestions are usually ones I want to consider. However, today I would like to focus only on my will. If you have other areas in which you think you can be of help to me, I'll write them down here on this pad of paper and I can then make a later appointment to focus on them one at a time."

And of course, you smile, indicating that you feel pleasant about all of this.

The Auto Mechanic

When I take my car in for an oil change, the quick change place I go to is frequently interested in selling me more than the basic oil change. After I learned this, now I don't even allow them to start their speech to convince me.

As the salesperson approaches me with his/her head shaking, saying, "Ma'am, you should let us do the super luxurious deluxe oil change," I try to hear him as if he were simply making noise.

I smile and say, "All I need today is the basic oil change."

Usually he/she has evidence to support what I should do to my car - a fluid stick with a certain color that means nothing to me, an air filter that has varying degrees of darkness in different areas. I don't know enough for any of it to mean anything to me, so occasionally I may
actually need what the mechanic is pushing. 

However, if I am clear that my budget today only supports an oil change, then I continue to smile pleasantly, and say, "All I need today is the basic oil change." 

(I also make a mental note to check with my car dealer to see if what the mechanic is suggesting is something I should do in the future.)

The Physician


On the first visit to a new physician, we each have a wonderful opportunity to state directly what we are needing. It's a time to consider exactly what would make you comfortable in

the doctor's office.

One of my private practice clients does not want to be pressured about weight. She explained on the first visit that she would prefer to weigh facing away from the numbers on the scale. She also requested that her weight not be mentioned unless her health were in some way threatened.

Another of my clients asked the physician on her first visit if he would please explain his findings after she was fully dressed. She felt demeaned to talk to the doctor about her health while sitting naked under the paper gown on an examining table.

Everyone doesn't need to make these two requests, but both of these are examples of advocating for yourself with a physician. 

Even if it is not your first visit to the physician, if you are uncomfortable about something in the way your doctor's visits are handled, there is no time like the present to bring it up with your physician.

Again as you make these requests, you smile as you speak because you are making a positive proactive request.

Speaking up to your salesperson, your attorney, your mechanic or your physician are all moments to practice self-advocating skills.

An Assertive Person is not an Adversary

Speaking up for oneself in an assertive manner often brings to mind the image of two people warily circling each other, fists raised, prepared to strike.  Each person wants to get his/her way.

In fact, the most effective assertiveness is not adversarial at all.  The most effective way of speaking up involves connecting with or joining the other person.

Without engaging in connecting, a person may use perfect assertive language and still be deeply involved in a power struggle.  In the book, Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury call this "positional bargaining."   

Imagine two people engaged in a tug of war.  If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired!  Getting into a power struggles uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere.  

Connecting in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:

1.  Expressing yourself with empathy
2.  Looking for areas of agreement
3.  Staying open to different options for mutual gain

Expressing yourself with empathy

If my friend and I are working on a project together and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting outside of work hours on the project, I might say:  "We both have so many responsibilities outside of work.  I know it must be hard for you to imagine our working past regular hours with children as young as yours."


When I say this, I am trying to put myself in the other person's shoes.  He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed.  


When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.

Looking for areas of agreement
We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements.  
Listening well to the other person is the key to finding areas of agreement.

"It sounds like both of us agree that this is a high priority project."

Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions:

"So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to do it outside of regular business hours?"  

Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens.  The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!

Staying open to options for mutual gain

If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team.  The process of determining mutual gain starts the minute this type of negotiation begins.

The key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem is brainstorming.  In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas.  Some may work and some may not be possible.  The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options.  


Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain.  If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.

Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called Little Blue and Little Yellow.  The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow.  When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected.  In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow.  Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color:  Green!