Assumptions in Couples' Communication

In a marriage where the two people have divided the household tasks and one of his tasks is to take out the garbage:

She says:  “Honey, would you take out the trash?”
He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.” 


An hour later she notices that the trash is still spilling out of the trashcan and she feels angry.  

She criticizes him for his lack of cooperation.  He is amazed.  He was going to take out the trash.  She didn’t give him half a chance.

What is the problem here?  
Communication, of course.  

When he said, “A couple of minutes,” she assumed 2 minutes.  He meant he would do it in a little while when he got a break.

Clarification of assumptions can make all the difference in the world. Asking for clarification is an assertive act.
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How the scene could have gone differently:

She says,  “Honey, would you take out the trash?”
He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.”

She says, “It’s falling out of the trash can and I’m really frustrated.  When you say “a couple of minutes” do you mean two minutes or do you mean something else?”

He says, “Actually I meant I’d get around to it when I’m through with what I’m working on, but if it’s bothering you that much, I’ll take it out right now.”  

No anger, no fight, and all was resolved because she took the time to be assertive and to clarify the assumption she was making.
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Many times when couples come into my office the basis of their struggle is communication.

Listen for assumptions in your conversations and strive to clarify the assumptions you are making.  

Even if you take these issues to therapy, you’ll be steps ahead by gaining awareness of the assumptions you each may be making.

Let me know what assumptions you find yourself making and how it works out for you when you clarify.

I SEE What you Mean: Sensory Modes in Communication

Connecting with others in the process of speaking up involves not only using the language of assertiveness but also understanding the subtle modes of communication which we all employ when speaking.  Each of us has a preferred learning mode.  

Think about what is the best learning mode for you.

• Are you a person who remembers more if you hear what you need to learn?  
• Are you someone who learns best through visual learning – reading, watching a film, or seeing pictures of how to do something?  
• Are you someone who learns best if you have a hands on approach and someone assists you as you try something new?   

Each of us is different and we each learn best in one of these modes.

In addition I am more likely to speak in the mode in which I am most comfortable.  For example if I am a visual person, then I might say, “I SEE what you mean.”  Or I might say “This explanation is not CLEAR to me.”

If I am a more auditory person, then I might say, “I HEAR what you’re saying.”  Or I might say, “That SOUNDS just right for me.”

If I am a more touch oriented person, I might say, “I GET it.”  Or “I keep BUMPING into a problem when I try to do this.”   I might also say, “ I have the solution right at my FINGERTIPS.”

Most people are capable of moving between modes and using visual sometimes, auditory other times, etc.  

At moments of stress we tend to communicate in the mode in which we are most comfortable.

Being aware of sensory modes of communication helps in an assertive negotiation.  Notice the other person’s mode of communication.  Once you have determined if the person to whom you are speaking is more visual, auditory or kinesthetic (touch as primary sensory modality), then try to match the mode they are using.

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Let’s say that you are talking with your co-worker, Bob, about his work on a project on which the two of you are doing teamwork:

You:  “Bob, we need to talk about our presentation.  I want to land this client’s account.”

Bob:  “Well, I’m LOOKING at a pile on my desktop and I can’t see the bottom of it.  I don’t think I can SEE my way CLEAR to work on the presentation today.”

You:  (Pausing and noticing his visual words: See, Clear, Looks) “Bob,  I SEE what you mean.  You do APPEAR to have a desk full of work.  However, we can persuade this client to join us if we make our position very CLEAR to our clients. I, for one, would like to SEE that happen.”

Bob:  “So you want me to LOOK at the presentation booklet as a priority?”

You:  “Yes, I would like our presentation booklet to APPEAR quite CLEAR to our client so they can SEE our VISION of what we could do for them.”

Bob: “OK, then where should we start?  What can I contribute to the presentation to make it LOOK great to our client?”

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Note:  This moment of agreement came about quite quickly because you discovered what sensory modality is the most comfortable for Bob and talked to him in the mode in which he is most likely to feel understood.   He may not have any idea that you have used this method of communicating, but you are saved from a prolonged discussion.

Your desired results can be easily achieved if you stay in awareness of the sensory modality employed by the person with whom you need to negotiate.

Speaking up for yourself is most effective if you are connected with the other person rather than in a tug of war with them.  Observing others and determining what mode is the most frequently used by them will help you in your efforts to speak up. Using the comfort mode of the other person adds to his/her feeling of connection with you.

A great book on this subject is: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work by Suzette Elgin, PhD.
Another useful, although out of print, book is Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler.

Let me know how paying attention to sensory modes of communication affects your assertive interactions with others.

A Question is Asked: Is An Answer Required?

When a question is posed to most of us, we feel compelled to answer it.  It is as if a question is actually a demand that an answer be given.

We are trapped.  We MUST answer.

No, no, no.  You ALWAYS have a choice.

In a story in Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore the old grey donkey, loses his tail.  When Christopher Robin finds it, the tail is acting as a bell pull for the door to Owl's hollow tree.  There is also a door knocker for the door.  A very wise note is found between the two:

"PLES RING IF AN RNSER IS REQIRD.  PLEZ CNOKE IF AN RNSR IS NOT REQUID."

How perfect - I love the concept that an answer might not be required or REQUID, as it were.

Here are three alternatives to try when a question is asked and our choice is NOT TO ANSWER it.

• Change the subject:

1.  Indirectly:  Ignore the question and simply change the subject.

This happens in the movies and soap operas all the time.  The writers are anxious for you to stay glued to your seat until the very end so frequently they pose questions to which no answer is given.

Example:


  Tom (in a desperate voice): "Jeremy, did you see which way he went?"
  Jeremy, looking out the window: "I always loved the way she wore her hair...."

Jeremy changes the subject without blinking an eye.  Actually in this example, the subject change is helped by LACK OF EYE CONTACT.  Sometimes the nonverbal act of avoiding eye contact with the questioner disrupts the connection enough that the subject change is hardly noticed.

2.  Directly:  Use an assertive statement to change the subject.

For example, use a simple "I want" statement:

"I want to talk about something else. I'd like to discuss where we are going to dinner tonight."

Notice that in a direct change of subject, you DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY your change of subject.  Simply state a preference.  Nonverbally in this example, be careful to make sure that your voice goes down in tone at the end of the sentence.

• Use Empathy, but Don't Answer the Question

Using empathy keeps the other person from being cut off from you by your choice not to answer the question.  The other person at least feels your effort to make a connection even though you are not cooperating by answering.

In the following example, the first part of the statement is EMPATHIC and the second part is a SIMPLE ASSERTION not to answer the question.

"I know you are curious about my decision to do XXXXX and I'm sure it is difficult for you not to get the information you want, BUT I would prefer to talk about the weather, the
latest book you've read, or the news of the day."

Again notice that you do not need to justify your decision not to answer the question.   You simply state a preference.

• Directly Confront the Other Person, but Don't Answer the Question

I would use this method if a person continues to push you to answer something about which you would prefer not to talk to him/her.  You will employ a firmer tone of voice in this example because you want to send the nonverbal signal: DROP IT and your voice tone can add to the strength of what you are saying.

Example:  You have been trying to have a baby for years now with no luck.  You are at a family gathering where your cousin, let's call her Jan, who has five children herself asks you for the fifteenth time:  "When are you and Sam going to start your family?  Better not wait too long."

You say, "Jan, this is an uncomfortable subject for me. I have asked you not to bring it up, but you do, every time we get together.  I am not going to discuss this with you and would appreciate it if you would honor my request not to bring it up."

Remember, a question asked does not REQUIRE an answer.  You have a choice to respond or not to respond.  If you choose not to answer the question, you do not need to justify that choice.

The Power Struggle - A Losing Battle

In many couples, an ongoing power struggle is what brings them to therapy.  One wants to change the other and the other won’t change.  It’s a losing battle for both people.

A power struggle is just like a tug of war.  In a literal tug of war two teams take either end of a rope.  Each team tries to pull the other team across a line drawn between them.  

The winner is the team who pulls the other team across the line.  

In fact in a tug of war, everyone loses.  The “losers” usually fall on their faces as they are dragged across the line.  The “winners” also land on their rear ends as they fall backward, pulling the other team over.

When a couple in such a power struggle sits in my office, I am often reminded of the last scene in the old movie War Games with Matthew Broderick (it was his first movie).  The computer in charge of nuclear missiles is out of control.  

Although the computer is programmed to play a game called Global Thermonuclear War, in fact the computer has armed the actual missiles that will start a world war.  The computer’s inventor and the Broderick character try to teach the computer that war is a bad idea.  

They teach the computer to play Tic-Tac-Toe.  

If you know how to play Tic-Tac-Toe and are playing with someone who also knows the game, then every game will end up in a draw without a winner.  The computer plays simulated game after game of Tic-Tac-Toe in a frenzy and of course, never wins.  Then the computer moves to playing “thermonuclear war” working out each scenario that is in its program. Each scene ends with the words on the screen:  Winner: NONE.

Suddenly the computer stops everything and declares:  “The only winning move is not to play.”

While that is true for nuclear war, it is also true that in a relationship power struggle, the only winning move is not to play.  In other words, if you don’t engage in a power struggle, your communication with your partner is much more likely to arrive at a resolution with which both of you can be comfortable.

The only hope for getting out of a power struggle is to find an area of agreement with the other person and build from there.  For example, if you and your partner are in conflict over your long commute to work in Atlanta, the power struggle can be avoided in this way:

You:  “Can we both agree that the long commute to work is boring and stressful?”
Other:  “Yes, I hate it.”
You:  “OK so we both agree that the commute leaves a lot to be desired.  Let’s brainstorm some ideas about how to lower the stress of the commute for us every day.”
Other:  “OK, but I don’t think there’s a good answer.”
You:  “Let’s just throw out ideas without judging them until we can’t think of any more.”
Other:  “Well, we could listen to books on tape.”
You:  “How about putting "move inside the perimeter" on the list.”
Other:  “How about finding someone to carpool with so we wouldn’t have to drive every day.”
You:  “I’d like to spend less time in the car - but MARTA doesn’t come out this far.”

When you run out of ideas, then each of you pick your favorite two ideas from the combined list.  See if the two of you can join on coming up with the strengths of each idea, no matter who contributed it.

If you get stuck or find a power struggle starting up again, return to the most recent area of agreement, “Well, I don’t want to struggle about that - I believe the last thing we agreed on is that we would discuss moving, carpooling, and looking for neighborhoods closer in but not all the way intown. Let's go back to that.”

Any time a power struggle starts, it is a losing battle.  The only way to win is not to play.

Note:  If you’d like to see the clip from the scene in the movie War Garmes, you can find it here.

You Never Know Unless You Try

Being assertive takes a lot of practice.  Like any skill, the more you practice, the better you will be at using assertive skills and the more you practice, the more comfortable and natural it will become to use assertive communication.

I own a "jig" for building frames to use in the beehive.  A "jig" according to Merriam Webster is:

"Definition of JIG

1

a : any of several lively springy dances in triple rhythmb : music to which a jig may be danced

2

: trick, game —used chiefly in the phrase the jig is up

3

a : any of several fishing devices that are jerked up and down or drawn through the waterb : a device used to maintain mechanically the correct positional relationship between a piece of work and the tool or between parts of work during assemblyc : a device in which crushed ore is concentrated or coal is cleaned by agitating in water"

It's quite difficult to build frames for the beehive.  Each one takes ten nails and involves turning the frame upside down and sideways to accomplish the task.  Having a device that maintains the correct position of the frame for nailing it together is a real time saver.

In 2010 I ordered what's called a "frame nailing device" from Walter T. Kelley.  The device is a time saver because it holds the end bars of the frames in position so that the construction person can nail ten top bars onto the endbars at once.  They you turn the device over and nail the bottom bars onto the endbars.

If you have put the endbars in upside down, then when all the frames are completely nailed you can't remove them from the jig.

And wouldn't you know it, I've lost my set of directions and I don't want to construct ten frames and have to take them apart because I put the endbars in upside down.

So Saturday, in my best assertive fashion, I called the Walter T. Kelley company and asked if they could mail or email me a set of the directions.  Since in good assertive communication, one must provide the relative facts, this is what I said:

"My name is Linda Tillman and I ordered a frame nailing device from you in February 2010.  I can't find my record of the purchase, but I'm sure you have it in your computer if you would look it up.  I have lost my direction page and I remember that I did the first ten frames upside down and had to take them apart because I couldn't get them out of the frame nailing device.  I'd like to get another copy of the directions for using this device.  Could you mail them or email them to me?"

The woman I spoke to said that they could not do that on the weekend but that she would leave a note for someone to take care of it on Monday.

I worried about this and decided that I needed to continue to exercise my assertiveness.  I haven't heard from Walter T. Kelley company so far this week and it's Wednesday.  Anything mailed or emailed on Monday from Kentucky (where they are located) to Atlanta should already be here.

I picked up the phone this afternoon and called again.  I had an identical conversation with another woman.  "Of course we can send them to you," she said.  "I can mail them easier than I can email them.  Can I confirm your address?"  I gave it to her.

We had a nice connection with each other and shared a few laughs about building frames upside down and having them stuck in the device.  Because I was assertive and because we had a nice conversation with each other, I am quite confident that my directions will arrive shortly.

Little moments like this are simply small practices in being assertive.  Noticing them is important because I know both that my persistence and my assertiveness are going to prevent my making a nailing error when I build 100 or so frames next weekend.

Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it.

Interpersonal Communication Diffuses Violence

With the assassination attempt on Gabrielle Giffords and the ongoing war in Iraq, violence is certainly a part of our ongoing news.  I am struck by how anyone thinks it is effective to be aggressive rather than assertive.  

Aggression involves attacking, whether by words or weapons.  An attack is an aggression.  Damage happens as a result of aggression.

Assertiveness involves respectful communication between two parties in an effort to come to a meeting of the minds, an agreement of how to handle a conflictual situation.  Generally everyone walks away from an assertive interaction with at least some of their needs being met.  So good feelings are generally the result of an assertion.

In my car yesterday I listened to Bob Edwards’ weekend as Bob Edwards interviewed Gary Noesner.  Mr. Noesner was a hostage negotiator with the FBI for thirty years and has written a book about it: Stalling For Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator.  

In the interview, he said “Interpersonal communication diffuses violence.”  What a powerful statement to make.

If communication is used effectively, then there should be no need for violence.  Wars start because negotiations break down.  People die in hostage situations when negotiation isn’t effective.  And on a smaller scale, angry interactions between two people result in really bad feelings.

If someone approaches you with an angry demeanor, your anticipation of their anger starts a level of inner tension.  As a beekeeper, I’ve been taught never to approach my beehives wearing black.  The bees think you are a bear and respond aggressively because they anticipate violence and an attack.  If I wear white or light colors, the bees are much more likely to allow my intrusion into their hive.

Assuming that an assertive interaction is possible and will work is the force behind hostage negotiation, as described by Mr. Noesner.  How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.  

If you want to review the basics of assertiveness, there’s a free class on my webpage.  It’s a Powerpoint presentation, hitting the high points of how to approach communication assertively.

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey.....

Many people think that being assertive means getting your way no matter what. This is not the definition of being assertive.

In fact, being assertive means being tuned into the other person and approaching that person with a respectful comment or request in an effort to make your point or to influence the occurrence of a needed change.

If you think of the other person as someone with whom you want to join in order to effect a change, then out comes the honey. As a beekeeper, I love the expression: “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…” While apparently science experiments show that sweet balsamic vinegar will catch more flies than honey will, in our folksy sayings in this country, honey wins out.

In an assertive interaction, you use honey to effect the change by employing empathy with the other person as well as trying to imagine what he or she might want out of the situation.

Recently Atlanta had a paralysis brought about by a snowstorm followed by a period of five days or temperatures well below freezing. The snow all turned to ice within 24 hours and the city came to a standstill. We had a major snow like this in March, 1993 (known as the Storm of the Century) and in January, 1982 (known as SnowJam '82), if I remember correctly.

Atlanta is in the deep south and it is not a cost effective plan for the city to own a lot of snow removal equipment which is needed once every ten years or so.   So with resources stretched to the limits, many city streets were not cleared throughout the five days of the ice.  Angry people were interviewed on the news and I am sure people made furious, aggressive calls demanding that their street be cleared.

I am part of a huge neighborhood e-blast group and an e-blast went out early in the week, explaining how to report a street that needed scraping to the Department of Public Works.

My friend called the number given for the Department of Public Works and let them know that she imagined they were being swamped with calls for street clearing.  She probably said something like, “I imagine you all are overwhelmed with people wanting their street scraped, so I’m sure hearing from me is an echo of many calls you’ve already had.  It must be difficult to talk to so many frustrated people.” 

After listening to my friend, the person on the other end would have felt like my friend connected with him/her and understood the frustration brought by all the angry callers.  Her comment was empathic and recognized the stress these people must have been under during those days.

Then she put in her request:  “My street is a cut through to Roswell Road (a major road in Atlanta) and cars are slipping all over my street.  I’m sure it would help the situation for people trying to get to Roswell Road if you would scrape my street.”

Her street was scraped and passable the next day. 

You can catch more flies with honey…..