It Doesn’t Pay to be an Ostrich

When someone seems timid about taking action, one might say, like an ostrich, that he is hiding his head in the sand.

Dr. Karl of “Dr. Karl’s Great Moments in Science” informs us that the ostrich may do many things “but hiding its head in the sand is not one of them.” Instead, when an ostrich is frightened, one of its reactions is to try to lie flat on the ground  and make itself inconspicuous.  A bird that weighs 155 kg or approximately 341.41 pounds is not easily hidden, so even lying flat, its large belly rises visible to all.

However, like an ostrich, many of us do try to avoid conflict with others because it makes us uncomfortable.   Assertively addressing authority figures when something is wrong is very often worth the effort and energy it takes.

My son-in-law is not happy about the road in front of his office building in Atlanta.  When Shirley Franklin was mayor of Atlanta, she promised to fill the potholes.  The mess in front of my son-in-law’s building was never addressed.

Now Kasim Reed, Atlanta’s new mayor, has appointed a public works commissioner, Mr. Richard Mendoza, formerly public works commissioner in San Antonio.  On Mr. Mendoza’s first day on the job, he was reminded that potholes are among the biggest public works problems in Atlanta. 

In Atlanta, 10th street has a section where the center two lanes of the four lane street are impassable.  The road is in waves of tarmac, rough riding at best and possibly damaging to any car that chooses those lanes.  If you drive on 10th near the Hemphill intersection, you can see drivers move over to avoid the center lanes.  

If you’d like to know the location, here is where the stretch of bad road is.  I use the word “stretch” because the area encompasses at least three to four car lengths of bad pavement.

My son-in-law, is going to make sure that Mendoza knows about the street problem near his office.  Kevin has driven over this section of road for a number of years now and he’s not willing to sit quietly about it any longer.

Unlike the ostrich, Kevin is taking action.  He has written the mayor, the head of the city council, his representative on the city council and Mr. Mendoza, the public works commissioner.  Once he hears or fails to hear from them, he will launch phase two of his approach, which I believe will be either a second letter or a phone call to the office of each of the recipients of his letters.  I don’t believe he will stop until he gets results.

He has already heard from Mendoza who responded with a work order number for the project.  As he said, “Score one for Kevin!”

He has a plan; he’s following it; and if his assertiveness pays off, 10th street will be a smoother ride for drivers in Atlanta.

Sarcasm: Humor that Hurts

When I teach at Emory in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine, my goal with the doctoral  students in physical therapy is to help them understand that communication is about being sensitive to the other person.  Attaining the necessary level of sensitivity for good communication involves not only tuning in to the other person but also knowing yourself well. 

Communication is learned at your family’s dinner table or in the family car when you were growing up.  Communication styles in families are imitated by the members.  In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.”  If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.

I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person.  They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken.  I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful. 

They never can. 

They try and even at the end of the semester some remain unconvinced but there is no example of sarcasm or “teasing” as it is sometimes called in families that is not hurtful.

“Definition of SARCASM (from Merriam Webster.com)

1

: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

2

a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual
b : the use or language of sarcasm

 Sarcasm is from the  French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwarəs- to cut

First Known Use: 1550”

Since it’s been in use in the language since 1550, we can know that human beings have needed to zing and push away from each other for quite a long time. 

Sarcasm and teasing are used to get distance from the other person.  Zinging a person is a way of pushing them away from you.  A good question to ask yourself is why do you need to treat that person in such a way as to make them distanced from you?

 

Today in the school systems there is a focus on bullying and the harm that can come from that.  Bullying on the continuum of teasing behavior is teasing/sarcasm taken to the worst level.  If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can.  Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs.

In its own way, sarcasm also involves controlling through put-downs.  If you use sarcasm and zing someone else with what you say, you control them by pushing them away.  In other words, you control the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm.

In the process of learning to be assertive, paying attention to the role sarcasm plays in your life is an important exercise.

Since I have written over and over again that assertiveness is about respect in relationships, any time I find myself feeling like making a sarcastic comment, I have to ask myself, what happened to the respect I have had for the other person.   I learn about myself in this exercise and usually can return to the respectful communication that I want to have with the people in my life.

In good assertive communication, respect is a constant and self-awareness is the foundation of maintaining that respect in the communication.

Anger Expressed Aggressively Pulls for the Responder to Use Anger as Well

In our country right now, the two parties in Congress are powerfully split, with the current losing party as well as a group called the Tea Party saying angry and aggressive things in public about the Healthcare bill.  Healthcare is such a powerful issue that if the shoe were on the other foot, it might be happening in reverse.

On the View the other day, Whoopie Goldberg and her guests pointed out the aggressive behavior of a well-known political figure who, unhappy about healthcare, had suggested it was time to “reload.”  This politician had published on Facebook a map peppered with people named as targets with cross-hairs on their names.  Her point was to get these people out of Congress because they had voted for the Healthcare bill.  However, using targets and suggesting "reloading" depicted her wishes in an aggressive fashion, implying anger and violence.

The participants on the View were outraged (the politician was aggressive and as they talked about it, the View participants expressed themselves in anger.)  Even as the participants on the View agreed with each other that this was badly handled, they were aggressive with each other!  Two who are usually on opposite sides of the fence, jabbed at each other, even as they agreed that they were on the same side this time.  This blatantly showed how even from afar, the aggression of the aforementioned politician pulled for anger back from the View co-hosts.

Participants on the show also spoke about the 60s and how in those time race riots were incited by aggressive statements and acts between groups.  One participant said, “Violence begets violence” and wondered what the other side would do in response to this level of aggression.

Children on the playground are masterful at matching aggression with aggression.  One little boy says to the other, “You’re a big tattle tale.”  The other responds, “You are a bigger one.” 

In the current culture there’s a whole genre of insults traded about one’s mother. The first insult, “Your momma is so fat that she can’t get in the car,” pulls for the insulted person to say, “Your momma is so stupid that she …..” and so on and so on.

Once with another psychologist, I taught a workshop for Emory employees about assertive communication.  Dr. L. and I were role-playing for the participants.  My role was angrily to return a book to the bookstore, while demonstrating absolutely no respect for the sales clerk.  Dr. L. was the sales clerk.

I stormed into the room and slammed the book on the table in front of the “clerk.”  In a raised voice I said, “This is the worst excuse for a book that I have ever read.  I want you to take it back at once or I must speak to your manager.” 

Without hesitating, Dr. L. looked me in the eye and said, “You just spit in my face.” 

In the process of shouting at him, I probably did.  I was humiliated and felt the color rise in my face.  Here we demonstrated what always happens:  Aggression pulls for aggression from the other person.

Aggression is not assertive – aggression is characterized by lack of respect for the other person.  Nothing will be resolved well if there is no respect in the interaction.

There are ways to express your anger assertively rather than aggressively.  Here are three ways to try:

1.  A basic assertive statement:

“I am angry”
“I feel really frustrated right now.”
“I feel furious.”

2.    A behavioral statement:

“When you do xxxxxxxxxx,  I feel frustrated.” 
This is a carefully constructed sentence:  the first half is a specific behavior described:
For example:  “When you leave your clothes all over the living room furniture, I feel so angry.”

This is done instead of blaming the other person.  You don’t say, “You make me feel frustrated.”  Nor do you say, “You are just a slob.”  Instead you tag a behavior and indicate your feeling in response to the behavior.

3.    An observer/reporter statement:

The reporter acts as a fly on the wall, describing what he/she sees without judgment.  This invites dialogue rather than aggression in response.

“I noticed that you just rolled your eyes when I made my last comment.  Usually when that happens we end up fighting.”

Like all aspects of assertive communication, it isn't easy to change your way of communicating.  However, practice makes perfect so I encourage you to try speaking your anger more assertively than aggressively.

Handling Work Place Change Assertively

Today's workplace is characterized by change - people are losing their jobs and with the diminished workforce at many businesses, responsibilities are changing.

Normal reactions to change are shock, denial, resistance, grief and acceptance.

Early in my career I worked at a state mental hospital. I had been hired to train the staff. I love teaching, so I was very happy with my job. I could teach whatever I liked so I offered workshops on stress management, new games, and team building.

One day I received a notice that the teaching unit was closing and that I was now assigned to be a staff psychologist on the unit at the hospital where the long-term mental patients were housed. (SHOCK)

I was hired to teach. I didn't want my new assignment. So I simply didn't go. (DENIAL)

I staged my own version of a sit-in strike, stayed in my old office and continued teaching. Two weeks passed (RESISTANCE).

One day the psychiatrist from the chronic care unit knocked on my office door, took me by the hand and led me to my new office on the chronic care unit.

I left my lovely office with windows looking out onto a beautiful field and moved to my new "office." It had been a linen closet in its previous life - narrow, no windows, dark paneled walls. I took one look and burst into tears. (GRIEF)

Once I made friends with the other staff members and we started planning for treatment of these patients, my attitude began to change. I bought sky blue paint and painted the closet walls to look like the sky. I found posters of windows looking out on lovely gardens and hung them up on my sky blue walls. I was moving into ACCEPTANCE.

The pattern I experienced, moving from shock to denial to resistance to grief to acceptance is the normal course of a reaction to change.

The assertive approach to the challenge of change is defined by claiming the change in a way that works for you. Approach the change positively and gain as much as you can from the process.

Here are the steps to developing a positive approach.

1. Use reframing

Powerlessness is a consequence of workplace change. The decisions often come from corporate headquarters and you cannot do anything to make the results any different.

The unassertive person grumbles and complains in response to the lack of control when the change is announced.

The assertive approach is to "reframe" the way in which you view the change. A photo framed in a solid black frame will look much different than a photo in a cheerful red frame.

If your job responsibilities have shifted, a positive reframe is: "Now I have the opportunity to learn a new skill."

Or if you suddenly have twice as much work as you did before, you could reframe by saying, "Now I'll challenge myself to refine my time management skills."

2. Make a plan for the future.

Examine your goals. Where would you like to be in five years? What are the steps you can take now to aim toward that future life? Write a commitment plan and stick to it. Examine the new form of your current job and determine if it now fits the goals toward which you aim.

If moving to a different job or place of employment is part of your plan, begin now to examine what you need to do and start to take the steps necessary to control your own career.

For example, when my job at the hospital changed from training to chronic care, I began taking steps to leave the job and find a new one.

Starting the process of identifying your values and goals affirms your self-esteem in the middle of change.

3. Take care of yourself.

Handle your stress about the change assertively before it overwhelms you.

• Use deep breathing and muscle relaxation to relieve physical stress.
• Take baths at the end of your stressful workday, get massages, or take a yoga class
• Take breaks during the day to walk around, to take deep breaths, or to gaze out of the window.

Use exercise to help you adapt to change and to keep your anger in check.

Once when I was undergoing a stressful relationship change, I swam laps every morning. With each stroke I said to myself, "I'm angry about !@#$!@," and at the end of the swim, I felt refreshed and relaxed for the rest of the day.

4. Get support for yourself.

Respect is the foundation of asserting yourself. Having respect for yourself includes noticing that you need some support in this time of change. This can take several forms. Go into therapy to sort things out; lean on your friends; talk to others at work about the effects of the changes on your lives.

Change takes time. The secret to adapting to workplace change is to remind yourself that change takes time. Allow yourself time for the process of reacting to the change through the stages of shock, denial, resistance, grief, and acceptance.

Then take steps to move through the change:

• Reframe,
  
• Make a plan,
  
• Take good care of yourself and
  
• Get support.

Handling the change with a positive approach will turn workplace change into an opportunity for your own growth and development.

Secrets to Resolving your Complaints with Customer Service: First Time, Every Time

Would you like to return the dress that is the wrong color or to complain about a mistake on your telephone bill?

Trying to resolve a consumer problem can seem overwhelming. In fact, addressing a complaint as a consumer is a matter of learning the formula for success and applying it often. Approaching the task in an assertive manner provides the foundation for a good outcome.

Seven secrets to successful complaint resolution:

1. Be prepared.



Think of what the store clerk will need and take it with you. For example:

• Do you have a receipt for the purchase?
• Do you have a copy of your check or your credit card receipt

Paying for purchases with a credit or debit card provides you with indisputable proof of purchase as well as provides a vehicle for easy return of your money.

2. Begin your conversation pleasantly

Remember that the foundation of assertiveness is an attitude of respect. Approach the clerk with a pleasant look on your face.

Say, "Hello, how are you?" and extend your hand in friendship.

Do not start with "Excuse me," or "I'm sorry, but I need to talk to you."

Making an apology to get attention simply takes away from your power and claims a one-down position. If you want the clerk's attention, use his/her name (you can read it on his/her name tag) or say "Sir..." or "Ma'am, I need to talk to you about this item.

3. Stand or sit at an angle

Confrontation, according to the dictionary, means a face-to-face meeting.

If you stand directly in front of the person to whom you wish to speak, he/she will experience your behavior as angry and confrontive. However, if you wish to convey respect in your assertion, then stand at an angle to the other person.

The angle conveys, "I am free to walk away from this interaction, as are you." Respect for the other person includes our recognition of his/her choice to talk with us and his/her freedom not to talk with us.

4. Use empathic statements

Connection works more effectively than confrontation. We achieve a connection with the other person by letting them know how we imagine it might be to bein their shoes.

An empathic statement to the sales clerk might sound like this, "You seem really busy today, Mrs. Smith, and I imagine that it isn't pleasant to deal with the return of items, but I need to return this dress because it is the wrong color.

Since you made an effort to understand how Mrs. Smith must feel today, she will be more likely to help you.

5. Speak in a well-modulated tone of voice

Keep your voice moderate in tone and volume. Speak so that your words go down at the end of the sentence.

If you allow the pitch of your voice to go up at the end of the sentence, you will sound unsure of yourself and your response will sound more like a question than a statement.

To the waiter: "This is not the salad I ordered," with "ordered" going to the lowest tone in the sentence.

6. Make statements. Don't ask questions.

• A statement sounds positive and powerful.
• A question interjects doubt.

"I want to return this waffle baker" is more powerful than "Is it OK for me to return this waffle baker?"

Avoid qualifiers such as "I hope this isn't too much trouble, but I want to return this waffle baker."

An implied question takes away power as well, "I want to return this waffle baker, OK?"

7. Follow-up

If you get good cooperation from an employee or a company, follow up with a thank-you letter or a note of commendation.

you had a difficult time of it, also follow-up with a letter, detailing the reasons for your dissatisfaction. These letters will help you practice assertiveness and often bring results from the company.

Practice these steps every time an opportunity comes your way. Taking the right steps makes complaining a breeze and positive results more likely.

Speaking Up When a Response is not Required

Much of the time when we speak up for ourselves, the goal is to get something to happen that we want to happen. Sometimes, however, a soft assertion is a valuable way to speak up for yourself.

A soft assertion by definition is taking a stand when you do not require a response. This can be as simple as wearing a t-shirt with a slogan on it such as "Atlanta Braves." The shirt tells the world that you support the Atlanta baseball team. You don't expect people to respond to the shirt, but you are sending a message, all the same.

A soft assertion can be a compliment. When I give a compliment, I am taking a risk. The recipient of the compliment can accept my gift (the compliment) and simply say thank you. Occasionally someone will reject your compliment: "Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years."

Today I was driving home from the N. Georgia mountains with a quarter of a tank of gas. I knew I should fill up my car. There's a gas station between Clarkesville, GA and Cleveland, GA that always has comparatively low gas prices. I haven't stopped there before but decided that I had enough gas to get there before filling up today.

It's Labor Day so there are lots of people on the road. I like to take what I call the "pretty way" home which involves only about 1/3 of the trip on Interstate roads. The rest of the trip is on pretty country roads. I took that today and easily got to the gas station between Clarkesville and Cleveland.

As I pulled into the station , the prices were predictably low for the area ($2.38/gal compared to the usual $2.48 everywhere else). I drove up to the pump to find a white hand-written sign the size of a piece of typing paper taped to the front of the pump. I couldn't read the ball-point pen writing and decided that pump was probably out of gas at those low prices.

I pulled to the second pump which had the same sign taped to it. I stopped, opened my gas tank, and got out of the car. The sign in small handwriting in ball point pen actually said, "Fishing supplies inside."

When I went in to the gas station store to get my receipt, I used a soft assertion with the station manager. "Sir, those signs taped to the pumps are very hard to read. I thought they meant that the pumps were out of gas and almost didn't stop. I couldn't read that they said "Fishing supplies inside" until I got out of the car."

He actually replied, "Well, I don't have any more signs." (not sure what he meant - that he couldn't re-do them or that he didn't have another way to advertise his fishing supplies???)

I said, "Well, since I almost didn't stop and probably I won't be the only confused person today, I thought you'd want to know."

Since a response is not required to a soft assertion - it doesn't make any difference to me whether he changes the signs or not - I smiled, thanked him for the receipt, and went out the door.

Pay Off for Assertiveness at COSTCO

I am a Costco member and one advantage of that membership is to be able to buy gas at lower prices. I was out of town in Maryland this weekend and had a rental car to drive from the Pittsburgh airport where I flew in to my daughter's home in western Maryland.

Driving back to Pittsburgh and getting gas in the rental car before you get to the airport is a challenge. The last 6 miles of the drive go through non-commercial territory with absolutely no obvious gas stations. I pulled off the highway about 8 miles from the airport at a shopping area and looked for a gas station.

The Mall at Robinson is where I exited. There are beautiful shops, eating facilities, and other mall specialties but no gas station. Then I noticed the Costco store. Like our Costco in Atlanta, it sells gas, so I drove down to the gas station area.

I paused just a few yards from the pump and pulled out my wallet. Oh, dear, I had left my Costco card at home in an effort to travel light. I saw a man who obviously worked maintaining the pumps. I drove up and rolled down the window of the rental car.

• "I am a Costco member," I said, "but I'm traveling and I left my Costco card at home in Atlanta."
  
• "No problem," he said, "Drive on up and we'll take care of you."
• "Can you look me up on the system?" I asked.
• "I believe you," he said.
  
• "How are you going to pay for this?" he said as he flashed an all-purpose Costco card under the identifying card reader.
• "Credit card," I said.
• "We only take..."
• "American Express, I know because I am a member and use my Amex card in Costco all the time."
• "Of course," he said, smiled, and helped me finish getting gas for my car.

If I had not been assertive and spoken to him, I would not have gotten to buy gas there and might still be wandering around the Pittsburgh area looking for a gas station!