Compliments and Assertiveness

Giving someone a compliment is an assertive act. When you say something positive to someone else , you are taking a risk by asserting your opinion. You may be met with any number of responses.

• The recipient of your compliment may blow you off.

You say: "I love the way you wrote that letter."
Response: "Oh, anybody would have said the same thing."

• The recipient of your compliment may react negatively

You say: "That briefcase really makes you look like the professional you are."
Response: "My stepfather gave it to me so I feel like I HAVE to carry it around."

• The recipient of your compliment may react in an unexpected way

You say: "I was so impressed with the stand you took in that planning meeting."
Response: The recipient bursts into tears, "Yes, but did you see how Mr. X looked at me - I know I'm going to get called on the carpet."

So as you can see, it is an assertive act to give a compliment because although nothing is required of the other person in the way of a response, there are many ways in which someone can respond.

On your part, work on the assertive challenge of receiving compliments well. An assertive way to receive a compliment is simply to say, "Thank you." Fight any effort to throw away the compliment, negate the compliment or react in any other way than a simple thank you.

If you can achieve this, you will have taken a step in the direction of good assertiveness!

Branding is taking a stand

In my classes I teach that one way we are assertive, known as a soft assertion, is to wear a t-shirt with a slogan on it like "Save the Whales." People see that and react without requiring anything of the wearer.

When a company names itself, it is taking a stand as well. Today on the way to work I passed an advertising sign in a yard that said:

"Yellow Ribbon Expert Tree Removal."

I had fun amusing myself with what that sign asserted by implication:

• We remove trees but feel really bad about it and wish so much that we could bring them back quickly

• We remove trees and feel so wistful about their being gone that we have a reforestation program
  
  
• We remove the trees in Atlanta with yellow ribbons on them because we are FOR the war in Iraq
  

• We aren't blue ribbon, aren't red ribbon, but if you want a third rate tree removal company, call us - the yellow ribbon group

• We are a patriotic, George Bush supporting tree removal company (and of course, don't call us, if you are negative about the war)

Obviously I'm responding tongue in cheek but since so many possibly negative or biased interpretations are possible, they probably needed some consultation before choosing that brand as their name!

Retail assertiveness with a soft assertion

Today I went with my daughter to buy an outfit for my new grandson to wear for his christening. We went to a nearby baby store and searched through the available outfits.

Our goal was to find something more masculine - not like a dress. We found an adorable boy-looking one that we both really liked. It was the only one in his size. As my daughter looked at it she found a spot on it right in the front of the shirt part. It was small but wouldn't come out by rubbing it with a fingernail. We really wanted this one, though, so we took it up to the counter to check out.

I handed the outfit to the clerk and said in a nice voice, "We noticed this has a spot on it. What advice do you have about how to get that out?"

The clerk looked and took the outfit to the store manager.

She came back and said, "We're going to give you 20 % off on this."

This is what's known as a soft assertion. I didn't expect or demand anything of the clerk, but commented on the facts in the picture - the outfit had a spot; we wanted to buy it; we didn't want to have the spot on it for the baby's special day.

My daughter was very surprised that they offered the discounted price with my being nice and not demanding - but that's what a soft assertion will do for you.