SpeakUpForYourself

Learning to Argue with Respect

2012-01-11T11:47:00.000-05:00

Recently NPR had an article about how important it is for teens to learn to argue with their parents. Typically teenage arguments are comprised of screaming, yelling, slamming doors. I remember when my brother and I were teenagers, he actually threw his shoe through a wall while screaming at my parents.

NPR's piece takes the stand that a teen can learn to negotiate in adult life if his/her parents handle arguing with the teenager well.

I've been watching the five seasons of Friday Night Lights, a wonderfully written and acted TV show that didn't catch on too well with the public. The show follows the drama of a football coach and his family through five seasons. In the process Coach Taylor and his wife Tami parent a teenage daughter, Julie. While Julie has her moments of yelling and slamming doors, for the most part, the interactions between her and her parents are filled with mutual respect.

The respect is there because Coach Taylor and Tami Taylor demonstrate throughout the series one of the best marriages I've ever seen in a TV series. They disagree, they disappoint each other, but they also fulfill each other and respect each other throughout each interaction.

One of the best examples of a respectful conversation with a teenage daughter occurs in Season Three, Episode 10 - "The Giving Tree." Julie and Tami have a perfect interaction of a respectful mother and daughter in discussion after Tami discovers that Julie is having sex with her boyfriend. Coach has an equally respectful conversation with Matt, Julie's boyfriend, in this episode as well.

While modeling respect provides a good foundation for effective arguing, communication skills involved in a respectful argument can be taught as well.

The basic elements of a good argument are mutual respect, good listening, and the ability and willingness to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Mutual Respect:

A relationship which incorporates mutual respect has communication interactions that reflect this.

Sarcasm, contempt, or joking with the goal of poking at the other person are not demonstrative of respect. The dictionary defines respect as: "having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others." Wikipedia says that contempt is the antonym of respect. When anything other than respect enters communication, then distancing results.

Remember that respect is conveyed not only by the words you choose but also by the tone of voice you use. Sarcasm, contempt and other distancing can be sensed if your voice tone reflects those emotions. A caring well-modulated tone of voice will serve well to send a message of respect.

Good Listening:

Often in an argument, one is inclined to think of what you want to say next rather than to listen. Listening well requires that you take your attention out of your own head and focus on what the other person is saying.

An assertive way to demonstrate that one is listening is to say back to the other person what you heard him/her say or your interpretation of what you heard the other person say.

"So I understand from what you say that none of your friends have to be in by midnight."

Putting yourself in the other person's shoes

Trying to stay aware of what the other person may feel as he/she speaks and listens during an argument will keep you connected to that person. Make comments that let the other person know you are trying to understand him/her in the course of the conversation. Even when you are on opposite sides of the fence, an empathic comment strengthens the connection between you and the person with whom you are arguing.

Example: "When you said that a curfew is unreasonable, you seemed angry that your dad and I want to set a limit about how long you can stay out on Friday."

Whatever the topic, try to end the argument on a note of mutual agreement:

"OK, so as I understand what we've talked about, we've agreed that your curfew will be 12:30 rather than midnight and that we'll try this out for a couple of weeks to see how it goes. Then we'll get back together and see if we need to change anything about this agreement."

Of course these principles of effective, assertive argument apply not only to talking with teenagers but also to conversations in daily life with anyone.

Speaking Up For Yourself Assertively: Assertiveness Class offered in Atlanta

2012-01-04T07:45:00.000-05:00

Making an effort to be more assertive is a common New Year's resolution. If this is your resolution or if you simply would like to learn more about speaking up for yourself, I am offering a face to face class in Atlanta on Saturday, February 4 from 9 - 12 at my office in Atlanta.

What: A Class in AssertiveCommunication

Who: Taught by Dr. Linda Tillman

When: Saturday, February 4

9 AM - Noon

Where: 1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Atlanta,GA

What you will experience:

Learn the basics of assertive communication

Learn how to handle yourself assertively both verballyand nonverbally

· Learn how to express anger assertively rather thanaggressively

· Learn how to negotiate assertively and effectively

· Learn how to give feedback clearly and respectfully

The group will be limited to10 people

How to register: Click here

Cost: $100 per person

*Special discount: If you are coming with your partner or spouse, the total for the two of you is $160

We can accept payment by PayPal, credit card, or check

Speak Up Proactively - With a Smile

2011-12-14T07:58:00.002-05:00

An opportunity for advocating for yourself by speaking up occurs every time you begin a new relationship with any type of salesperson, an attorney, a mechanic, or a physician.

Let's look at each of the above examples:

The Salesperson

How many of you have felt pressure from a salesperson?

It seems to happen most to me when I am looking at large appliances such as washer/dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators. And of course, it happens when you are attempting to purchase a car.

Plan the limits you will set ahead of the visit to the store or the car lot. Sometimes it helps to speak to the salesperson before he/she speaks to you. As the salesperson approaches, you smile and say, "I'm just looking."

If the salesperson says, "Let me show you the best features of this xxxxxxxx," then you can say, "I'd like to know about the best features, but then I want some time to look around by myself. I'm only looking and don't plan to buy anything today."

And then you smile again.

The Attorney

Every attorney with whom I have met has a vast amount of knowledge about how I should be protecting myself in my life. One of the difficulties of visiting an attorney is that often he/she has important information about other legal issues you may need to take care of, other than the one for which the appointment is made.

However, I can get overwhelmed by the possibilities of decisions to be made that were not on my agenda.

A proactive way to approach the attorney is to smile at the beginning of the appointment and say, "I really appreciate all the ways you look out for me. I know your suggestions are usually ones I want to consider. However, today I would like to focus only on my will. If you have other areas in which you think you can be of help to me, I'll write them down here on this pad of paper and I can then make a later appointment to focus on them one at a time."

And of course, you smile, indicating that you feel pleasant about all of this.

The Auto Mechanic

When I take my car in for an oil change, the quick change place I go to is frequently interested in selling me more than the basic oil change. After I learned this, now I don't even allow them to start their speech to convince me.

As the salesperson approaches me with his/her head shaking, saying, "Ma'am, you should let us do the super luxurious deluxe oil change," I try to hear him as if he were simply making noise.

I smile and say, "All I need today is the basic oil change."

Usually he/she has evidence to support what I should do to my car - a fluid stick with a certain color that means nothing to me, an air filter that has varying degrees of darkness in different areas. I don't know enough for any of it to mean anything to me, so occasionally I may
actually need what the mechanic is pushing.

However, if I am clear that my budget today only supports an oil change, then I continue to smile pleasantly, and say, "All I need today is the basic oil change."

(I also make a mental note to check with my car dealer to see if what the mechanic is suggesting is something I should do in the future.)

The Physician

On the first visit to a new physician, we each have a wonderful opportunity to state directly what we are needing. It's a time to consider exactly what would make you comfortable in

the doctor's office.

One of my private practice clients does not want to be pressured about weight. She explained on the first visit that she would prefer to weigh facing away from the numbers on the scale. She also requested that her weight not be mentioned unless her health were in some way threatened.

Another of my clients asked the physician on her first visit if he would please explain his findings after she was fully dressed. She felt demeaned to talk to the doctor about her health while sitting naked under the paper gown on an examining table.

Everyone doesn't need to make these two requests, but both of these are examples of advocating for yourself with a physician.

Even if it is not your first visit to the physician, if you are uncomfortable about something in the way your doctor's visits are handled, there is no time like the present to bring it up with your physician.

Again as you make these requests, you smile as you speak because you are making a positive proactive request.

Speaking up to your salesperson, your attorney, your mechanic or your physician are all moments to practice self-advocating skills.

An Assertive Person is not an Adversary

2011-12-06T23:26:00.001-05:00

Speaking up for oneself in an assertive manner often brings to mind the image of two people warily circling each other, fists raised, prepared to strike. Each person wants to get his/her way.

In fact, the most effective assertiveness is not adversarial at all. The most effective way of speaking up involves connecting with or joining the other person.

Without engaging in connecting, a person may use perfect assertive language and still be deeply involved in a power struggle. In the book, Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury call this "positional bargaining."

Imagine two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired! Getting into a power struggles uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere.

Connecting in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:

1. Expressing yourself with empathy
2. Looking for areas of agreement
3. Staying open to different options for mutual gain

Expressing yourself with empathy

If my friend and I are working on a project together and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting outside of work hours on the project, I might say: "We both have so many responsibilities outside of work. I know it must be hard for you to imagine our working past regular hours with children as young as yours."

When I say this, I am trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed.

When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.

Looking for areas of agreement
We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements.
Listening well to the other person is the key to finding areas of agreement.

"It sounds like both of us agree that this is a high priority project."

Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions:

"So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to do it outside of regular business hours?"

Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens. The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!

Staying open to options for mutual gain

If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team. The process of determining mutual gain starts the minute this type of negotiation begins.

The key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem is brainstorming. In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible. The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options.

Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain. If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.

Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called Little Blue and Little Yellow. The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow. When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected. In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow. Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color: Green!

Every Word Counts

2011-11-29T22:31:00.001-05:00

”This is probably stupid, but....”
“I know I should have understood this, but....”
“Could I interrupt you.....”
“Well, I was just wondering if.......”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?.....”

For twenty-five years I have been teaching people to speak up for themselves. In addition both in my life as a psychologist and in my life as a Master Beekeeper, I give talks and workshops very frequently throughout any given year.

Those five ways of starting a question occur over and over in my audiences and in my classes.

When you start the contact with the other person in a weak or uncertain way, you lose ground and lose power. The above phrases either put down the person asking the question or give all the power to the person answering the question.

Putting yourself down as you ask the question

”This is probably stupid, but....”
“I know I should have understood this, but....”

Beginning with a self put-down tells the listener that he/she shouldn’t bother to hear what you have to say. You have already labeled yourself negatively and thus set an image in the listener’s mind.

If you start with a self-blaming statement (“I know I should have understood this...”) you let the person you address off of the hook too easily. If a teacher or a lecturer has not made something perfectly clear to you, then it is possible that the explanation or the speech was lacking enough specificity rather than that you “should have understood.”

Asking for permission to ask

“Could I interrupt you.....”
“Well, I was just wondering if.......”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?.....”

First, this is a waste of everyone’s time. If you ask out loud if it’s OK for you to interrupt, you have already interrupted.

In addition these beginning phrases are just fillers that don’t add to the effectiveness of what you have to say. The listener has to

Wait until you are through with the question about whether you can ask a question
Answer yes to the question about asking the question
Keep listening to find out what the real question is

Valuable time is lost and often the person whom you are addressing will feel frustrated, and will wonder, “Will he/she ever get to the point?”

Listening and answering questions well is an art. If we want to get the best from the person we are questioning, the most effective way is to get right to the real question.

Second, when you are asking permission to ask, you are taking away from your power. From the beginning you are putting the ball in the other person’s court. You are saying, “I think you are so powerful that I even have to give you the power to tell me whether or not I can speak.” You lose the respect of the listener by having not enough respect for yourself.

Importance of nonverbals

When you ask a question, remember to be aware of how you handle yourself nonverbally. Your voice should be firm and your speech should be easy to hear. Your voice tone should go down at the end of your sentences, symbolically anchoring your words.

Setting the tone for the relationship

When you ask a question in a public place, you are setting an image of yourself for everyone in the room. If you ask a question in a one on one setting, you are creating an impression for the person answering that will color any future dealings you have with this person.

I once taught a class in the Evening at Emory community education program called: “Dating: An Adventure for Grown-ups.” In this class the students learned that every single thing that happens on a first date is important. Every word that is spoken tells you something about the speaker. Every nonverbal act teaches you something about the other person’s way of being in the world.

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, we learned about Sally’s character from the way she ordered food in a restaurant. She was very specific, “I want my apple pie heated with ice cream on the side, but if you can’t heat it, I don’t want the ice cream at all.”

Note: She doesn’t say, “Would it be OK if my pie is heated? And I was wondering if you would mind putting the ice cream on the side?”

Harry, the waiter, and the audience all learn from her manner in the restaurant that Sally is a strong person with particular ways of doing things. We learn from her nonverbals (she looks the waiter in the eye and makes strong hand gestures as she speaks) that she will be “a person to be reckoned with,” as the old saying goes.

The same idea applies in a business setting. When you interact with another person, as one does when one asks a question, you are entering into a relationship with the other person for that moment.

If you begin the relationship by speaking in a deferent way, giving all the power to the other person, you indicate to him/her that you will put his/her wishes ahead of yours. This sets you up to be dominated.

If you begin the relationship with mutual respect, the scene is set for each of you to be considered a valuable part of the interaction.

Practice so that the next time you ask a question, there can be no doubt that you feel as much respect for yourself as you do for the other person.

Using Assertiveness to Build Your Business

2011-11-13T14:05:00.001-05:00

Atlantans call a taxi for two reasons: to get to the airport or to have a designated driver for an evening out. We don’t use taxis as a basic mode of transportation like people do in other big cities like New York or Washington, DC. So we usually call, rather than hail, taxis when we need them.

I like my house to look occupied by leaving my car parked in the driveway when I go out of town. I also don’t like paying the $8 a day parking fee charged by MARTA (the rail/bus service here) or the high parking fees at the airport.

So when I went to Santa Fe for a professional conference a couple of weeks ago, I called a taxi to take me to the MARTA station (to go to the airport). I had a cab company I used a lot when I lived on the northside of the city, Su Taxi, but now I live in Virginia Highlands in Midtown Atlanta and needed a different cab company. I googled cabs for my area and called Atlanta Lenox Cab company.

The nicest man picked me up in his clean-as-a-whistle van with seat belts that worked. His name was Keiros and we had a lovely conversation about NPR on the way to the Midtown MARTA station.

As he pulled up to the station, he told me the fare and handed me his business card. “When you come back on Sunday, call me from the airport MARTA station and I’ll be here when you get to Midtown to take you home,” he said. I was impressed with his assertiveness; I had his number in my cell phone from his call to let me know he was outside my house; I liked his basic approach.

He was clearly an assertive person, building his business.

So at the end of the week when I arrived at the Atlanta airport on Sunday, I called him from the MARTA train. “I can’t meet you today because I have a client right now,” he said, “but I have a friend who will be there.”

Indeed, when I stepped out of the MARTA station, a nice man with his cab was there, walking toward me, saying “Miss Leenda???” as I approached him. He told me that Keiros has a large number of people who call him regularly and if he can’t pick them up, he passes them on to his friends who are also cab drivers.

Last weekend I went to DC to visit my daughter. Again, I called Keiros who was at my house with his van right at 6:30 AM to pick me up. We had a nice conversation about Ethiopian restaurants in Atlanta. Again he assertively said, “Call me when you return on Sunday, and I’ll pick you up or send someone else, if I can’t”

I called when I got home to Atlanta, and he was waiting for me when I stepped out of the midtown MARTA station.

He clearly knows how to build his business using assertiveness. As he drove me to my house this time, I apologetically noted that I would not be going out of town again until early December. “Oh, call me for any reason,” he said. “I’ll drive you to restaurants, the theater, any time you’d like not to take your car.”

As a bonus, nothing to do with driving a cab, he also said to call him when I got ready to go to Desta Kitchen, his favorite Atlanta Ethiopian restaurant and he would tell me what to order!

Keiros is a great example of someone using assertiveness to build their business. I don’t like too much uncertainty in my life and it feels great to know I have a responsible (and very assertive) cab driver available for me when I need him. And all because he was assertive about building his business and provided a high quality service in what he does.

Depression and The Impact of Choices

2011-11-09T11:43:00.001-05:00

One way we demonstrate assertiveness is to make a choice for ourselves. Dr. Barry Schwartz on the TED talks makes the point that we are so overwhelmed with choices that we can not feel good about any choice we make.

Because choices in today's world may seem infinite in so many categories, even when one makes a "good" choice, there remains the doubt that another of the myriad of "good" choices might have been a better one.

This makes people depressed about themselves and their self-confidence and sends them to my office for therapy.

When my children were little, Captain Kangaroo used to read a book by Nancy Willard (illustrated by Tomie dePaola) called Simple Pictures are Best. It's a story about a farmer and his wife who were trying to get a picture taken by a photographer. By the time they put everything in the picture that they wanted to include (the dog, the cow, the mouse, the horse, etc.), the photographer was so far away from his subjects that they were tiny dots on the hill. The farmer and his wife were afraid to choose to leave anything or anyone out of the picture.

Narrowing down choices can be threatening and depressing.

I invite you to listen to Barry Schwartz's delightful and insightful talk on choices and depression. He has also written a book about this.

Assertive Letter to Department of Revenue

2011-10-24T09:40:00.000-04:00

The various tax collecting agencies can easily send me in an assertive letter writing direction. This year my correspondence came from the Georgia Department of Revenue.

Their letter, complete with columns of numbers comparing what my tax return said I paid, what they show that they received, and the difference, is designed to demonstrate to me how I have made an egregious accounting error.

My check to them was for $1.00 less than my accountant reported on my tax forms, so rather than confuse the process for next year, I sent $1.00 to the state of Georgia, leaving my overpay from 2010 to apply to 2011.

What I wonder is how they could have $~~XX,XXX~~ dollars floating around and not recognize an accounting problem on their part?

I feel angry that I have to take my time to ask the bank for a copy of the check front and back (it's done by email but still takes time); that I have to write this letter; and that I have to recognize how poorly accounting may be handled by my state. However, it will do me no good to be angry in my response to the state.

In many assertive opportunities, it's more important to be assertive respectfully than it is worth it to be angry.

So I wrote them an assertive letter simply reporting the facts to correct their error. The key word here is SIMPLE - when you are writing government agencies about money, always simply list facts and then what you would like to occur as a result of the facts you are reporting:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Whom it My Concern:

I am in receipt of your letter dated 10/17/2011. Your letter fails to include the taxes I paidon April 15 in anticipation of an extension. I am enclosing a copy front and back of my check for $~~XXXXX~~ which wascashed by you on April 25, 2011.

I apparently owe you $1.00 which I am enclosing a checkto cover.

Because my taxes were paid on time and in a timely waywith an excess overpaid to apply to next year, I do not owe you the penalty andinterest which you have assessed.

Please find enclosed a check for $1.00 and a copy of mycheck cashed by you for $~~XXXXX~~.

Thank you for clearing up this matter,

Linda D Tillman, PhD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you write the IRS or your state department of revenue, you always enclose your SSN, which I did, but that is not apparent in my copy for you of this letter. Also because I moved in 2011, I put my old and new address below my signature in case that is the source of their error (although my SSN stayed the same????).

Agreement: A Key Element in Negotiating in Couples' Relationships and in Everyday Life

2011-10-11T22:12:00.000-04:00

Power struggles derail many assertive negotiations. In such a struggle, the two negotiators each try to win.

As in a child's tug of war, no one wins a power struggle.

You remember tug of war, I'm sure. Usually the loser is pulled into the mud as the winner tugs him/her over the line. And how does the winner fare? The winner usually also falls flat on his/her back with the effort. Everyone ends up hurt in some way or another.

Finding an Area of Agreement:

The most effective way to avoid the power struggle is to find an area of agreement.

Here is a typical marital power struggle:

Susan: "Sam, are you going to wash the dishes?"
Sam: "I did them last night and I want to watch the Braves game."
Susan: "I really had a hard day and I'm exhausted. I don't want to do the
dishes. I just want to sit down and put my feet up."
Sam: "Well, I'm not going to wash all those dishes."
Susan: "Well, I'm not either, so there."

These two are in a power struggle, each trying not to "lose." At this point, you are probably wondering, "Can this marriage be saved?"

If these two had the agenda of arriving at an area of agreement, then the whole discussion could have been simpler and would not have turned into a power struggle.

Susan: "Sam, there sure are a lot of dirty dishes tonight."
Sam: "There really are and I don't want to do them....I want to watch the
Braves game."
Susan: "Sounds like neither one of us wants to do them."
Sam: "I sure can agree with that."
Susan: "Well, since we both agree that neither of us wants to do the dishes, how can we get this awful task over with so you can watch the game and I can sit down and put my feet up?"
Sam: "Maybe we could load the dishwasher together and then do the pots and pans tomorrow."
Susan: "That would work for me - let's get started."

In the above version, Susan and Sam work for an agreement rather than trying to win a power struggle.

Walk around the first roadblock to reach agreement

If finding an area of agreement seems difficult, see if you can go around the roadblock and start the search for agreement several steps into the argument.

Years ago in my hometown of Natchez, Mississippi, the library board and my father, Dr. Clifford Tillman, a member of the board, decided that Natchez needed a new library. When the idea of a new library was proposed to the citizens, a power struggle ensued: did the town need a new library or not?

The idea of building of a new library "lost" the power struggle.

My father waited several months for the furor to die down. Then he wrote a letter to the editor of the Natchez Democrat, proposing that the new library for Natchez should be built behind what was then St. Mary's Cathedral (a building over 100 years old) in Confederate Memorial Park. All of the ancient trees in the park would have to be cut down to accomplish this.

A huge discussion began among the citizens as to where the new library should be built - certainly the trees should not be cut down! So the process began of reaching an agreement about WHERE the new library should be built and the issue of SHOULD Natchez have a new library never resurfaced.

A Natchez citizen donated land and Natchez now has a lovely library.

My father effectively skipped the step of whether Natchez should have a new library and thus avoided the power struggle. The discussion he began centered on finding an area of agreement about the location of the new library.

Work toward agreement instead of working toward winning and your negotiations will go much better whether in your couple's relationship or in your work with others.

Assumptions in Couples' Communication

2011-09-27T15:08:00.006-04:00

In a marriage where the two people have divided the household tasks and one of his tasks is to take out the garbage:

She says: “Honey, would you take out the trash?”
He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.”

An hour later she notices that the trash is still spilling out of the trashcan and she feels angry.

She criticizes him for his lack of cooperation. He is amazed. He was going to take out the trash. She didn’t give him half a chance.

What is the problem here?
Communication, of course.

When he said, “A couple of minutes,” she assumed 2 minutes. He meant he would do it in a little while when he got a break.

Clarification of assumptions can make all the difference in the world. Asking for clarification is an assertive act.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How the scene could have gone differently:

She says, “Honey, would you take out the trash?”
He says, “Sure, I’ll get it done in a couple of minutes.”

She says, “It’s falling out of the trash can and I’m really frustrated. When you say “a couple of minutes” do you mean two minutes or do you mean something else?”

He says, “Actually I meant I’d get around to it when I’m through with what I’m working on, but if it’s bothering you that much, I’ll take it out right now.”

No anger, no fight, and all was resolved because she took the time to be assertive and to clarify the assumption she was making.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many times when couples come into my office the basis of their struggle is communication.

Listen for assumptions in your conversations and strive to clarify the assumptions you are making.

Even if you take these issues to therapy, you’ll be steps ahead by gaining awareness of the assumptions you each may be making.

Let me know what assumptions you find yourself making and how it works out for you when you clarify.

I SEE What you Mean: Sensory Modes in Communication

2011-05-01T22:59:00.003-04:00

Connecting with others in the process of speaking up involves not only using the language of assertiveness but also understanding the subtle modes of communication which we all employ when speaking. Each of us has a preferred learning mode.

Think about what is the best learning mode for you.

Are you a person who remembers more if you hear what you need to learn?
Are you someone who learns best through visual learning – reading, watching a film, or seeing pictures of how to do something?
Are you someone who learns best if you have a hands on approach and someone assists you as you try something new?

Each of us is different and we each learn best in one of these modes.

In addition I am more likely to speak in the mode in which I am most comfortable. For example if I am a visual person, then I might say, “I SEE what you mean.” Or I might say “This explanation is not CLEAR to me.”

If I am a more auditory person, then I might say, “I HEAR what you’re saying.” Or I might say, “That SOUNDS just right for me.”

If I am a more touch oriented person, I might say, “I GET it.” Or “I keep BUMPING into a problem when I try to do this.” I might also say, “ I have the solution right at my FINGERTIPS.”

Most people are capable of moving between modes and using visual sometimes, auditory other times, etc.

At moments of stress we tend to communicate in the mode in which we are most comfortable.

Being aware of sensory modes of communication helps in an assertive negotiation. Notice the other person’s mode of communication. Once you have determined if the person to whom you are speaking is more visual, auditory or kinesthetic (touch as primary sensory modality), then try to match the mode they are using.

********************************************

Let’s say that you are talking with your co-worker, Bob, about his work on a project on which the two of you are doing teamwork:

You: “Bob, we need to talk about our presentation. I want to land this client’s account.”

Bob: “Well, I’m LOOKING at a pile on my desktop and I can’t see the bottom of it. I don’t think I can SEE my way CLEAR to work on the presentation today.”

You: (Pausing and noticing his visual words: See, Clear, Looks) “Bob, I SEE what you mean. You do APPEAR to have a desk full of work. However, we can persuade this client to join us if we make our position very CLEAR to our clients. I, for one, would like to SEE that happen.”

Bob: “So you want me to LOOK at the presentation booklet as a priority?”

You: “Yes, I would like our presentation booklet to APPEAR quite CLEAR to our client so they can SEE our VISION of what we could do for them.”

Bob: “OK, then where should we start? What can I contribute to the presentation to make it LOOK great to our client?”

********************************************

Note: This moment of agreement came about quite quickly because you discovered what sensory modality is the most comfortable for Bob and talked to him in the mode in which he is most likely to feel understood. He may not have any idea that you have used this method of communicating, but you are saved from a prolonged discussion.

Your desired results can be easily achieved if you stay in awareness of the sensory modality employed by the person with whom you need to negotiate.

Speaking up for yourself is most effective if you are connected with the other person rather than in a tug of war with them. Observing others and determining what mode is the most frequently used by them will help you in your efforts to speak up. Using the comfort mode of the other person adds to his/her feeling of connection with you.

A great book on this subject is: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work by Suzette Elgin, PhD.
Another useful, although out of print, book is Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler.

Let me know how paying attention to sensory modes of communication affects your assertive interactions with others.

A Question is Asked: Is An Answer Required?

2011-03-25T14:00:00.001-04:00

When a question is posed to most of us, we feel compelled to answer it. It is as if a question is actually a demand that an answer be given.

We are trapped. We MUST answer.

No, no, no. You ALWAYS have a choice.

In a story in Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore the old grey donkey, loses his tail. When Christopher Robin finds it, the tail is acting as a bell pull for the door to Owl's hollow tree. There is also a door knocker for the door. A very wise note is found between the two:

"PLES RING IF AN RNSER IS REQIRD. PLEZ CNOKE IF AN RNSR IS NOT REQUID."

How perfect - I love the concept that an answer might not be required or REQUID, as it were.

Here are three alternatives to try when a question is asked and our choice is NOT TO ANSWER it.

Change the subject:

1. Indirectly: Ignore the question and simply change the subject.

This happens in the movies and soap operas all the time. The writers are anxious for you to stay glued to your seat until the very end so frequently they pose questions to which no answer is given.

Example:

Tom (in a desperate voice): "Jeremy, did you see which way he went?"
Jeremy, looking out the window: "I always loved the way she wore her hair...."

Jeremy changes the subject without blinking an eye. Actually in this example, the subject change is helped by LACK OF EYE CONTACT. Sometimes the nonverbal act of avoiding eye contact with the questioner disrupts the connection enough that the subject change is hardly noticed.

2. Directly: Use an assertive statement to change the subject.

For example, use a simple "I want" statement:

"I want to talk about something else. I'd like to discuss where we are going to dinner tonight."

Notice that in a direct change of subject, you DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY your change of subject. Simply state a preference. Nonverbally in this example, be careful to make sure that your voice goes down in tone at the end of the sentence.

Use Empathy, but Don't Answer the Question

Using empathy keeps the other person from being cut off from you by your choice not to answer the question. The other person at least feels your effort to make a connection even though you are not cooperating by answering.

In the following example, the first part of the statement is EMPATHIC and the second part is a SIMPLE ASSERTION not to answer the question.

"I know you are curious about my decision to do XXXXX and I'm sure it is difficult for you not to get the information you want, BUT I would prefer to talk about the weather, the
latest book you've read, or the news of the day."

Again notice that you do not need to justify your decision not to answer the question. You simply state a preference.

Directly Confront the Other Person, but Don't Answer the Question

I would use this method if a person continues to push you to answer something about which you would prefer not to talk to him/her. You will employ a firmer tone of voice in this example because you want to send the nonverbal signal: DROP IT and your voice tone can add to the strength of what you are saying.

Example: You have been trying to have a baby for years now with no luck. You are at a family gathering where your cousin, let's call her Jan, who has five children herself asks you for the fifteenth time: "When are you and Sam going to start your family? Better not wait too long."

You say, "Jan, this is an uncomfortable subject for me. I have asked you not to bring it up, but you do, every time we get together. I am not going to discuss this with you and would appreciate it if you would honor my request not to bring it up."

Remember, a question asked does not REQUIRE an answer. You have a choice to respond or not to respond. If you choose not to answer the question, you do not need to justify that choice.

The Power Struggle - A Losing Battle

2011-02-23T22:15:00.003-05:00

In many couples, an ongoing power struggle is what brings them to therapy. One wants to change the other and the other won’t change. It’s a losing battle for both people.

A power struggle is just like a tug of war. In a literal tug of war two teams take either end of a rope. Each team tries to pull the other team across a line drawn between them.

The winner is the team who pulls the other team across the line.

In fact in a tug of war, everyone loses. The “losers” usually fall on their faces as they are dragged across the line. The “winners” also land on their rear ends as they fall backward, pulling the other team over.

When a couple in such a power struggle sits in my office, I am often reminded of the last scene in the old movie War Games with Matthew Broderick (it was his first movie). The computer in charge of nuclear missiles is out of control.

Although the computer is programmed to play a game called Global Thermonuclear War, in fact the computer has armed the actual missiles that will start a world war. The computer’s inventor and the Broderick character try to teach the computer that war is a bad idea.

They teach the computer to play Tic-Tac-Toe.

If you know how to play Tic-Tac-Toe and are playing with someone who also knows the game, then every game will end up in a draw without a winner. The computer plays simulated game after game of Tic-Tac-Toe in a frenzy and of course, never wins. Then the computer moves to playing “thermonuclear war” working out each scenario that is in its program. Each scene ends with the words on the screen: Winner: NONE.

Suddenly the computer stops everything and declares: “The only winning move is not to play.”

While that is true for nuclear war, it is also true that in a relationship power struggle, the only winning move is not to play. In other words, if you don’t engage in a power struggle, your communication with your partner is much more likely to arrive at a resolution with which both of you can be comfortable.

The only hope for getting out of a power struggle is to find an area of agreement with the other person and build from there. For example, if you and your partner are in conflict over your long commute to work in Atlanta, the power struggle can be avoided in this way:

You: “Can we both agree that the long commute to work is boring and stressful?”
Other: “Yes, I hate it.”
You: “OK so we both agree that the commute leaves a lot to be desired. Let’s brainstorm some ideas about how to lower the stress of the commute for us every day.”
Other: “OK, but I don’t think there’s a good answer.”
You: “Let’s just throw out ideas without judging them until we can’t think of any more.”
Other: “Well, we could listen to books on tape.”
You: “How about putting "move inside the perimeter" on the list.”
Other: “How about finding someone to carpool with so we wouldn’t have to drive every day.”
You: “I’d like to spend less time in the car - but MARTA doesn’t come out this far.”

When you run out of ideas, then each of you pick your favorite two ideas from the combined list. See if the two of you can join on coming up with the strengths of each idea, no matter who contributed it.

If you get stuck or find a power struggle starting up again, return to the most recent area of agreement, “Well, I don’t want to struggle about that - I believe the last thing we agreed on is that we would discuss moving, carpooling, and looking for neighborhoods closer in but not all the way intown. Let's go back to that.”

Any time a power struggle starts, it is a losing battle. The only way to win is not to play.

Note: If you’d like to see the clip from the scene in the movie War Garmes, you can find it here.

You Never Know Unless You Try

2011-02-09T23:56:00.005-05:00

Being assertive takes a lot of practice. Like any skill, the more you practice, the better you will be at using assertive skills and the more you practice, the more comfortable and natural it will become to use assertive communication.

I own a "jig" for building frames to use in the beehive. A "jig" according to Merriam Webster is:

"Definition of JIG

a : any of several lively springy dances in triple rhythmb : music to which a jig may be danced

: trick, game —used chiefly in the phrase the jig is up

a : any of several fishing devices that are jerked up and down or drawn through the waterb : a device used to maintain mechanically the correct positional relationship between a piece of work and the tool or between parts of work during assemblyc : a device in which crushed ore is concentrated or coal is cleaned by agitating in water"

It's quite difficult to build frames for the beehive. Each one takes ten nails and involves turning the frame upside down and sideways to accomplish the task. Having a device that maintains the correct position of the frame for nailing it together is a real time saver.

In 2010 I ordered what's called a "frame nailing device" from Walter T. Kelley. The device is a time saver because it holds the end bars of the frames in position so that the construction person can nail ten top bars onto the endbars at once. They you turn the device over and nail the bottom bars onto the endbars.

If you have put the endbars in upside down, then when all the frames are completely nailed you can't remove them from the jig.

And wouldn't you know it, I've lost my set of directions and I don't want to construct ten frames and have to take them apart because I put the endbars in upside down.

So Saturday, in my best assertive fashion, I called the Walter T. Kelley company and asked if they could mail or email me a set of the directions. Since in good assertive communication, one must provide the relative facts, this is what I said:

"My name is Linda Tillman and I ordered a frame nailing device from you in February 2010. I can't find my record of the purchase, but I'm sure you have it in your computer if you would look it up. I have lost my direction page and I remember that I did the first ten frames upside down and had to take them apart because I couldn't get them out of the frame nailing device. I'd like to get another copy of the directions for using this device. Could you mail them or email them to me?"

The woman I spoke to said that they could not do that on the weekend but that she would leave a note for someone to take care of it on Monday.

I worried about this and decided that I needed to continue to exercise my assertiveness. I haven't heard from Walter T. Kelley company so far this week and it's Wednesday. Anything mailed or emailed on Monday from Kentucky (where they are located) to Atlanta should already be here.

I picked up the phone this afternoon and called again. I had an identical conversation with another woman. "Of course we can send them to you," she said. "I can mail them easier than I can email them. Can I confirm your address?" I gave it to her.

We had a nice connection with each other and shared a few laughs about building frames upside down and having them stuck in the device. Because I was assertive and because we had a nice conversation with each other, I am quite confident that my directions will arrive shortly.

Little moments like this are simply small practices in being assertive. Noticing them is important because I know both that my persistence and my assertiveness are going to prevent my making a nailing error when I build 100 or so frames next weekend.

Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it.

Interpersonal Communication Diffuses Violence

2011-01-24T10:40:00.000-05:00

With the assassination attempt on Gabrielle Giffords and the ongoing war in Iraq, violence is certainly a part of our ongoing news. I am struck by how anyone thinks it is effective to be aggressive rather than assertive.

Aggression involves attacking, whether by words or weapons. An attack is an aggression. Damage happens as a result of aggression.

Assertiveness involves respectful communication between two parties in an effort to come to a meeting of the minds, an agreement of how to handle a conflictual situation. Generally everyone walks away from an assertive interaction with at least some of their needs being met. So good feelings are generally the result of an assertion.

In my car yesterday I listened to Bob Edwards’ weekend as Bob Edwards interviewed Gary Noesner. Mr. Noesner was a hostage negotiator with the FBI for thirty years and has written a book about it: Stalling For Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator.

In the interview, he said “Interpersonal communication diffuses violence.” What a powerful statement to make.

If communication is used effectively, then there should be no need for violence. Wars start because negotiations break down. People die in hostage situations when negotiation isn’t effective. And on a smaller scale, angry interactions between two people result in really bad feelings.

If someone approaches you with an angry demeanor, your anticipation of their anger starts a level of inner tension. As a beekeeper, I’ve been taught never to approach my beehives wearing black. The bees think you are a bear and respond aggressively because they anticipate violence and an attack. If I wear white or light colors, the bees are much more likely to allow my intrusion into their hive.

Assuming that an assertive interaction is possible and will work is the force behind hostage negotiation, as described by Mr. Noesner. How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.

If you want to review the basics of assertiveness, there’s a free class on my webpage. It’s a Powerpoint presentation, hitting the high points of how to approach communication assertively.

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey.....

2011-01-19T21:44:00.007-05:00

Many people think that being assertive means getting your way no matter what. This is not the definition of being assertive.

In fact, being assertive means being tuned into the other person and approaching that person with a respectful comment or request in an effort to make your point or to influence the occurrence of a needed change.

If you think of the other person as someone with whom you want to join in order to effect a change, then out comes the honey. As a beekeeper, I love the expression: “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…” While apparently science experiments show that sweet balsamic vinegar will catch more flies than honey will, in our folksy sayings in this country, honey wins out.

In an assertive interaction, you use honey to effect the change by employing empathy with the other person as well as trying to imagine what he or she might want out of the situation.

Recently Atlanta had a paralysis brought about by a snowstorm followed by a period of five days or temperatures well below freezing. The snow all turned to ice within 24 hours and the city came to a standstill. We had a major snow like this in March, 1993 (known as the Storm of the Century) and in January, 1982 (known as SnowJam '82), if I remember correctly.

Atlanta is in the deep south and it is not a cost effective plan for the city to own a lot of snow removal equipment which is needed once every ten years or so. So with resources stretched to the limits, many city streets were not cleared throughout the five days of the ice. Angry people were interviewed on the news and I am sure people made furious, aggressive calls demanding that their street be cleared.

I am part of a huge neighborhood e-blast group and an e-blast went out early in the week, explaining how to report a street that needed scraping to the Department of Public Works.

My friend called the number given for the Department of Public Works and let them know that she imagined they were being swamped with calls for street clearing. She probably said something like, “I imagine you all are overwhelmed with people wanting their street scraped, so I’m sure hearing from me is an echo of many calls you’ve already had. It must be difficult to talk to so many frustrated people.”

After listening to my friend, the person on the other end would have felt like my friend connected with him/her and understood the frustration brought by all the angry callers. Her comment was empathic and recognized the stress these people must have been under during those days.

Then she put in her request: “My street is a cut through to Roswell Road (a major road in Atlanta) and cars are slipping all over my street. I’m sure it would help the situation for people trying to get to Roswell Road if you would scrape my street.”

Her street was scraped and passable the next day.

You can catch more flies with honey…..

Approaching New Year's Resolutions Assertively

2011-01-04T21:29:00.007-05:00

As the new year begins, most people make resolutions to keep during the year. Let’s look at how to set resolutions in a way that will allow you to be successful in both setting and keeping them.

A resolution is an assertion that you make to yourself and sometimes to others as well.

Characteristics of an Assertive Resolution:

An assertive resolution is:

A stand that you take first with yourself
Enhances your self-esteem (the other side of this is that if you should fail at a resolution, it should not damage your self-esteem
Includes respect for yourself and others
Is realistic. It is something to which you can make a real commitment
Is simple to accomplish

The difference between a Goal and a Resolution

Let's look at each of these concepts.

GOAL: According to Webster's dictionary, "a goal is the end toward which effort is directed."

Many times people make goals for themselves for the year and call them resolutions. A typical goal at the turn of the year is about losing weight or exercising. If I make a resolution to lose 20 pounds, then I will feel bad about myself if I only lose 19. On the other hand, if I set the GOAL of losing 20 pounds, then I can feel great about my effort toward that goal.

In psychology, we have a concept called successive approximation. Successive Approximation is a fancy way of saying that there are many little accomplishments on the way to a goal. All of these accomplishments are to be celebrated and if we don't get all the way to the goal, we can still feel good about what we gained along the way.

So set goals toward which you can aim in areas that are hard to achieve. If I say that my goal is to exercise more, and I aim in that direction, I can feel good about myself if I exercise one more day than I do now, or I can feel even better if I exercise two more days than I do now. I'm celebrating success in either event.

RESOLUTION: According to Webster's Dictionary is a "determination; a formal expression of will, opinion or intent (A determination is the act of deciding definitely and firmly.).

If I make a resolution, it's like making a promise to myself about something I am committed to and intend to keep.

Here's an example of a resolution that is assertive with myself and others:

One week before she was supposed to go to college, my youngest daughter was in a terrible automobile accident in which she pulled out in front of a speeding car. She is fine now, but in the accident she broke her pelvis in three places, had to go to her freshman year in college three weeks late, and was on crutches for the first eight weeks of her time at college.

I made a resolution (that I have reaffirmed every year since then) that I would always drive the speed limit on Atlanta city streets and that I would always stop at yellow lights. Let's look at this resolution for the characteristics of a good assertive resolution.

Driving the speed limit and stopping at yellow lights is a stand that I take for myself but which also affects others. Drivers in Atlanta rarely drive the speed limit, so going 35 in a 35 mile zone makes those who go 50 quite irritated. Sometimes I have a line of unhappy (but forced to go the speed limit) drivers behind me.
Driving the speed limit enhances my self-esteem because I feel good about myself for doing the right thing. I also know that I have control of my car so that if a teenager pulled in front of me, I could stop without doing harm. If I fail to drive the speed limit, I will feel guilty, but it will not hurt my self-esteem.
Driving the speed limit is respectful of myself, the other drivers, and the laws of the city in which I live. The driver behind me who is angrily hugging my tail is aggressive, not assertive
Driving the speed limit is realistic - after all, it's the law. If I drive the speed limit, I won't get a ticket (a built-in reward!)
Driving the speed limit is simple to accomplish. All I have to do is to remember to read the signs.

Here's an example of a resolution that is assertive with myself:

About twelve years ago, I set a goal of drinking eight glasses of water a day. This goal has all the characteristics of a good assertive resolution:

By drinking more water, I am taking a stand with myself about staying in good health
Drinking more water enhances my self-esteem because I feel better about my skin, my body, and take some pride in choosing water over a soft drink. If I were to fail at this promise to myself, I would not damage my self-esteem.
Drinking more water to make me healthier is by definition having respect for myself and my state of being
Drinking more water is realistic - always on hand and available.
For me this has been simple to accomplish. I see people every hour in my office, so I decided to drink a glass of water with each client. Sometimes I fudge a little and drink tea. Mostly though I use a water bottle and drink water all day long. I intended this as a goal for one year twelve years ago and it has become a regular feature of my life today.

With the arrival of 2011, set inspiring goals for yourself and make assertive resolutions that you can keep.

NOTE: I do not drive 55 on the Atlanta Interstates - which is the limit. If I did so I would be killed. Nobody drives under 60 on the highways in Atlanta and most drive around 65 - 70.

If you'd like a good laugh, some GSU students made this movie several years ago in which five cars lined up on the Interstate in Atlanta and all drove 55. The results are pretty amusing and a little scary.

It Doesn’t Pay to be an Ostrich

2010-11-19T13:24:00.004-05:00

When someone seems timid about taking action, one might say, like an ostrich, that he is hiding his head in the sand.

Dr. Karl of “Dr. Karl’s Great Moments in Science” informs us that the ostrich may do many things “but hiding its head in the sand is not one of them.” Instead, when an ostrich is frightened, one of its reactions is to try to lie flat on the ground and make itself inconspicuous. A bird that weighs 155 kg or approximately 341.41 pounds is not easily hidden, so even lying flat, its large belly rises visible to all.

However, like an ostrich, many of us do try to avoid conflict with others because it makes us uncomfortable. Assertively addressing authority figures when something is wrong is very often worth the effort and energy it takes.

My son-in-law is not happy about the road in front of his office building in Atlanta. When Shirley Franklin was mayor of Atlanta, she promised to fill the potholes. The mess in front of my son-in-law’s building was never addressed.

Now Kasim Reed, Atlanta’s new mayor, has appointed a public works commissioner, Mr. Richard Mendoza, formerly public works commissioner in San Antonio. On Mr. Mendoza’s first day on the job, he was reminded that potholes are among the biggest public works problems in Atlanta.

In Atlanta, 10th street has a section where the center two lanes of the four lane street are impassable. The road is in waves of tarmac, rough riding at best and possibly damaging to any car that chooses those lanes. If you drive on 10th near the Hemphill intersection, you can see drivers move over to avoid the center lanes.

If you’d like to know the location, here is where the stretch of bad road is. I use the word “stretch” because the area encompasses at least three to four car lengths of bad pavement.

My son-in-law, is going to make sure that Mendoza knows about the street problem near his office. Kevin has driven over this section of road for a number of years now and he’s not willing to sit quietly about it any longer.

Unlike the ostrich, Kevin is taking action. He has written the mayor, the head of the city council, his representative on the city council and Mr. Mendoza, the public works commissioner. Once he hears or fails to hear from them, he will launch phase two of his approach, which I believe will be either a second letter or a phone call to the office of each of the recipients of his letters. I don’t believe he will stop until he gets results.

He has already heard from Mendoza who responded with a work order number for the project. As he said, “Score one for Kevin!”

He has a plan; he’s following it; and if his assertiveness pays off, 10th street will be a smoother ride for drivers in Atlanta.

Sarcasm: Humor that Hurts

2010-11-02T00:07:00.002-04:00

When I teach at Emory in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine, my goal with the doctoral students in physical therapy is to help them understand that communication is about being sensitive to the other person. Attaining the necessary level of sensitivity for good communication involves not only tuning in to the other person but also knowing yourself well.

Communication is learned at your family’s dinner table or in the family car when you were growing up. Communication styles in families are imitated by the members. In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.” If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.

I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person. They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken. I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful.

They never can.

They try and even at the end of the semester some remain unconvinced but there is no example of sarcasm or “teasing” as it is sometimes called in families that is not hurtful.

“Definition of SARCASM (from Merriam Webster.com)

: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual
b : the use or language of sarcasm

Sarcasm is from the French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwarəs- to cut

First Known Use: 1550”

Since it’s been in use in the language since 1550, we can know that human beings have needed to zing and push away from each other for quite a long time.

Sarcasm and teasing are used to get distance from the other person. Zinging a person is a way of pushing them away from you. A good question to ask yourself is why do you need to treat that person in such a way as to make them distanced from you?

Today in the school systems there is a focus on bullying and the harm that can come from that. Bullying on the continuum of teasing behavior is teasing/sarcasm taken to the worst level. If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can. Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs.

In its own way, sarcasm also involves controlling through put-downs. If you use sarcasm and zing someone else with what you say, you control them by pushing them away. In other words, you control the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm.

In the process of learning to be assertive, paying attention to the role sarcasm plays in your life is an important exercise.

Since I have written over and over again that assertiveness is about respect in relationships, any time I find myself feeling like making a sarcastic comment, I have to ask myself, what happened to the respect I have had for the other person. I learn about myself in this exercise and usually can return to the respectful communication that I want to have with the people in my life.

In good assertive communication, respect is a constant and self-awareness is the foundation of maintaining that respect in the communication.

Anger Expressed Aggressively Pulls for the Responder to Use Anger as Well

2010-03-28T16:48:00.006-04:00

In our country right now, the two parties in Congress are powerfully split, with the current losing party as well as a group called the Tea Party saying angry and aggressive things in public about the Healthcare bill. Healthcare is such a powerful issue that if the shoe were on the other foot, it might be happening in reverse.

On the View the other day, Whoopie Goldberg and her guests pointed out the aggressive behavior of a well-known political figure who, unhappy about healthcare, had suggested it was time to “reload.” This politician had published on Facebook a map peppered with people named as targets with cross-hairs on their names. Her point was to get these people out of Congress because they had voted for the Healthcare bill. However, using targets and suggesting "reloading" depicted her wishes in an aggressive fashion, implying anger and violence.

The participants on the View were outraged (the politician was aggressive and as they talked about it, the View participants expressed themselves in anger.) Even as the participants on the View agreed with each other that this was badly handled, they were aggressive with each other! Two who are usually on opposite sides of the fence, jabbed at each other, even as they agreed that they were on the same side this time. This blatantly showed how even from afar, the aggression of the aforementioned politician pulled for anger back from the View co-hosts.

Participants on the show also spoke about the 60s and how in those time race riots were incited by aggressive statements and acts between groups. One participant said, “Violence begets violence” and wondered what the other side would do in response to this level of aggression.

Children on the playground are masterful at matching aggression with aggression. One little boy says to the other, “You’re a big tattle tale.” The other responds, “You are a bigger one.”

In the current culture there’s a whole genre of insults traded about one’s mother. The first insult, “Your momma is so fat that she can’t get in the car,” pulls for the insulted person to say, “Your momma is so stupid that she …..” and so on and so on.

Once with another psychologist, I taught a workshop for Emory employees about assertive communication. Dr. L. and I were role-playing for the participants. My role was angrily to return a book to the bookstore, while demonstrating absolutely no respect for the sales clerk. Dr. L. was the sales clerk.

I stormed into the room and slammed the book on the table in front of the “clerk.” In a raised voice I said, “This is the worst excuse for a book that I have ever read. I want you to take it back at once or I must speak to your manager.”

Without hesitating, Dr. L. looked me in the eye and said, “You just spit in my face.”

In the process of shouting at him, I probably did. I was humiliated and felt the color rise in my face. Here we demonstrated what always happens: Aggression pulls for aggression from the other person.

Aggression is not assertive – aggression is characterized by lack of respect for the other person. Nothing will be resolved well if there is no respect in the interaction.

There are ways to express your anger assertively rather than aggressively. Here are three ways to try:

1. A basic assertive statement:

“I am angry”
“I feel really frustrated right now.”
“I feel furious.”

2. A behavioral statement:

“When you do xxxxxxxxxx, I feel frustrated.”
This is a carefully constructed sentence: the first half is a specific behavior described:
For example: “When you leave your clothes all over the living room furniture, I feel so angry.”

This is done instead of blaming the other person. You don’t say, “You make me feel frustrated.” Nor do you say, “You are just a slob.” Instead you tag a behavior and indicate your feeling in response to the behavior.

3. An observer/reporter statement:

The reporter acts as a fly on the wall, describing what he/she sees without judgment. This invites dialogue rather than aggression in response.

“I noticed that you just rolled your eyes when I made my last comment. Usually when that happens we end up fighting.”

Like all aspects of assertive communication, it isn't easy to change your way of communicating. However, practice makes perfect so I encourage you to try speaking your anger more assertively than aggressively.

Handling Work Place Change Assertively

2009-10-04T21:55:00.013-04:00

Today's workplace is characterized by change - people are losing their jobs and with the diminished workforce at many businesses, responsibilities are changing.

Normal reactions to change are shock, denial, resistance, grief and acceptance.

Early in my career I worked at a state mental hospital. I had been hired to train the staff. I love teaching, so I was very happy with my job. I could teach whatever I liked so I offered workshops on stress management, new games, and team building.

One day I received a notice that the teaching unit was closing and that I was now assigned to be a staff psychologist on the unit at the hospital where the long-term mental patients were housed. (SHOCK)

I was hired to teach. I didn't want my new assignment. So I simply didn't go. (DENIAL)

I staged my own version of a sit-in strike, stayed in my old office and continued teaching. Two weeks passed (RESISTANCE).

One day the psychiatrist from the chronic care unit knocked on my office door, took me by the hand and led me to my new office on the chronic care unit.

I left my lovely office with windows looking out onto a beautiful field and moved to my new "office." It had been a linen closet in its previous life - narrow, no windows, dark paneled walls. I took one look and burst into tears. (GRIEF)

Once I made friends with the other staff members and we started planning for treatment of these patients, my attitude began to change. I bought sky blue paint and painted the closet walls to look like the sky. I found posters of windows looking out on lovely gardens and hung them up on my sky blue walls. I was moving into ACCEPTANCE.

The pattern I experienced, moving from shock to denial to resistance to grief to acceptance is the normal course of a reaction to change.

The assertive approach to the challenge of change is defined by claiming the change in a way that works for you. Approach the change positively and gain as much as you can from the process.

Here are the steps to developing a positive approach.

1. Use reframing

Powerlessness is a consequence of workplace change. The decisions often come from corporate headquarters and you cannot do anything to make the results any different.

The unassertive person grumbles and complains in response to the lack of control when the change is announced.

The assertive approach is to "reframe" the way in which you view the change. A photo framed in a solid black frame will look much different than a photo in a cheerful red frame.

If your job responsibilities have shifted, a positive reframe is: "Now I have the opportunity to learn a new skill."

Or if you suddenly have twice as much work as you did before, you could reframe by saying, "Now I'll challenge myself to refine my time management skills."

2. Make a plan for the future.

Examine your goals. Where would you like to be in five years? What are the steps you can take now to aim toward that future life? Write a commitment plan and stick to it. Examine the new form of your current job and determine if it now fits the goals toward which you aim.

If moving to a different job or place of employment is part of your plan, begin now to examine what you need to do and start to take the steps necessary to control your own career.

For example, when my job at the hospital changed from training to chronic care, I began taking steps to leave the job and find a new one.

Starting the process of identifying your values and goals affirms your self-esteem in the middle of change.

3. Take care of yourself.

Handle your stress about the change assertively before it overwhelms you.

Use deep breathing and muscle relaxation to relieve physical stress.
Take baths at the end of your stressful workday, get massages, or take a yoga class
Take breaks during the day to walk around, to take deep breaths, or to gaze out of the window.

Use exercise to help you adapt to change and to keep your anger in check.

Once when I was undergoing a stressful relationship change, I swam laps every morning. With each stroke I said to myself, "I'm angry about !@#$!@," and at the end of the swim, I felt refreshed and relaxed for the rest of the day.

4. Get support for yourself.

Respect is the foundation of asserting yourself. Having respect for yourself includes noticing that you need some support in this time of change. This can take several forms. Go into therapy to sort things out; lean on your friends; talk to others at work about the effects of the changes on your lives.

Change takes time. The secret to adapting to workplace change is to remind yourself that change takes time. Allow yourself time for the process of reacting to the change through the stages of shock, denial, resistance, grief, and acceptance.

Then take steps to move through the change:

Reframe,
Make a plan,
Take good care of yourself and
Get support.

Handling the change with a positive approach will turn workplace change into an opportunity for your own growth and development.

Secrets to Resolving your Complaints with Customer Service: First Time, Every Time

2009-09-29T10:22:00.002-04:00

Would you like to return the dress that is the wrong color or to complain about a mistake on your telephone bill?

Trying to resolve a consumer problem can seem overwhelming. In fact, addressing a complaint as a consumer is a matter of learning the formula for success and applying it often. Approaching the task in an assertive manner provides the foundation for a good outcome.

Seven secrets to successful complaint resolution:

1. Be prepared.

Think of what the store clerk will need and take it with you. For example:

Do you have a receipt for the purchase?
Do you have a copy of your check or your credit card receipt

Paying for purchases with a credit or debit card provides you with indisputable proof of purchase as well as provides a vehicle for easy return of your money.

2. Begin your conversation pleasantly

Remember that the foundation of assertiveness is an attitude of respect. Approach the clerk with a pleasant look on your face.

Say, "Hello, how are you?" and extend your hand in friendship.

Do not start with "Excuse me," or "I'm sorry, but I need to talk to you."

Making an apology to get attention simply takes away from your power and claims a one-down position. If you want the clerk's attention, use his/her name (you can read it on his/her name tag) or say "Sir..." or "Ma'am, I need to talk to you about this item.

3. Stand or sit at an angle

Confrontation, according to the dictionary, means a face-to-face meeting.

If you stand directly in front of the person to whom you wish to speak, he/she will experience your behavior as angry and confrontive. However, if you wish to convey respect in your assertion, then stand at an angle to the other person.

The angle conveys, "I am free to walk away from this interaction, as are you." Respect for the other person includes our recognition of his/her choice to talk with us and his/her freedom not to talk with us.

4. Use empathic statements

Connection works more effectively than confrontation. We achieve a connection with the other person by letting them know how we imagine it might be to bein their shoes.

An empathic statement to the sales clerk might sound like this, "You seem really busy today, Mrs. Smith, and I imagine that it isn't pleasant to deal with the return of items, but I need to return this dress because it is the wrong color.

Since you made an effort to understand how Mrs. Smith must feel today, she will be more likely to help you.

5. Speak in a well-modulated tone of voice

Keep your voice moderate in tone and volume. Speak so that your words go down at the end of the sentence.

If you allow the pitch of your voice to go up at the end of the sentence, you will sound unsure of yourself and your response will sound more like a question than a statement.

To the waiter: "This is not the salad I ordered," with "ordered" going to the lowest tone in the sentence.

6. Make statements. Don't ask questions.

A statement sounds positive and powerful.
A question interjects doubt.

"I want to return this waffle baker" is more powerful than "Is it OK for me to return this waffle baker?"

Avoid qualifiers such as "I hope this isn't too much trouble, but I want to return this waffle baker."

An implied question takes away power as well, "I want to return this waffle baker, OK?"

7. Follow-up

If you get good cooperation from an employee or a company, follow up with a thank-you letter or a note of commendation.

you had a difficult time of it, also follow-up with a letter, detailing the reasons for your dissatisfaction. These letters will help you practice assertiveness and often bring results from the company.

Practice these steps every time an opportunity comes your way. Taking the right steps makes complaining a breeze and positive results more likely.

Speaking Up When a Response is not Required

2009-09-07T21:52:00.002-04:00

Much of the time when we speak up for ourselves, the goal is to get something to happen that we want to happen. Sometimes, however, a soft assertion is a valuable way to speak up for yourself.

A soft assertion by definition is taking a stand when you do not require a response. This can be as simple as wearing a t-shirt with a slogan on it such as "Atlanta Braves." The shirt tells the world that you support the Atlanta baseball team. You don't expect people to respond to the shirt, but you are sending a message, all the same.

A soft assertion can be a compliment. When I give a compliment, I am taking a risk. The recipient of the compliment can accept my gift (the compliment) and simply say thank you. Occasionally someone will reject your compliment: "Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years."

Today I was driving home from the N. Georgia mountains with a quarter of a tank of gas. I knew I should fill up my car. There's a gas station between Clarkesville, GA and Cleveland, GA that always has comparatively low gas prices. I haven't stopped there before but decided that I had enough gas to get there before filling up today.

It's Labor Day so there are lots of people on the road. I like to take what I call the "pretty way" home which involves only about 1/3 of the trip on Interstate roads. The rest of the trip is on pretty country roads. I took that today and easily got to the gas station between Clarkesville and Cleveland.

As I pulled into the station , the prices were predictably low for the area ($2.38/gal compared to the usual $2.48 everywhere else). I drove up to the pump to find a white hand-written sign the size of a piece of typing paper taped to the front of the pump. I couldn't read the ball-point pen writing and decided that pump was probably out of gas at those low prices.

I pulled to the second pump which had the same sign taped to it. I stopped, opened my gas tank, and got out of the car. The sign in small handwriting in ball point pen actually said, "Fishing supplies inside."

When I went in to the gas station store to get my receipt, I used a soft assertion with the station manager. "Sir, those signs taped to the pumps are very hard to read. I thought they meant that the pumps were out of gas and almost didn't stop. I couldn't read that they said "Fishing supplies inside" until I got out of the car."

He actually replied, "Well, I don't have any more signs." (not sure what he meant - that he couldn't re-do them or that he didn't have another way to advertise his fishing supplies???)

I said, "Well, since I almost didn't stop and probably I won't be the only confused person today, I thought you'd want to know."

Since a response is not required to a soft assertion - it doesn't make any difference to me whether he changes the signs or not - I smiled, thanked him for the receipt, and went out the door.

Pay Off for Assertiveness at COSTCO

2009-08-31T21:24:00.003-04:00

I am a Costco member and one advantage of that membership is to be able to buy gas at lower prices. I was out of town in Maryland this weekend and had a rental car to drive from the Pittsburgh airport where I flew in to my daughter's home in western Maryland.

Driving back to Pittsburgh and getting gas in the rental car before you get to the airport is a challenge. The last 6 miles of the drive go through non-commercial territory with absolutely no obvious gas stations. I pulled off the highway about 8 miles from the airport at a shopping area and looked for a gas station.

The Mall at Robinson is where I exited. There are beautiful shops, eating facilities, and other mall specialties but no gas station. Then I noticed the Costco store. Like our Costco in Atlanta, it sells gas, so I drove down to the gas station area.

I paused just a few yards from the pump and pulled out my wallet. Oh, dear, I had left my Costco card at home in an effort to travel light. I saw a man who obviously worked maintaining the pumps. I drove up and rolled down the window of the rental car.

"I am a Costco member," I said, "but I'm traveling and I left my Costco card at home in Atlanta."
"No problem," he said, "Drive on up and we'll take care of you."
"Can you look me up on the system?" I asked.
"I believe you," he said.
"How are you going to pay for this?" he said as he flashed an all-purpose Costco card under the identifying card reader.
"Credit card," I said.
"We only take..."
"American Express, I know because I am a member and use my Amex card in Costco all the time."
"Of course," he said, smiled, and helped me finish getting gas for my car.

If I had not been assertive and spoken to him, I would not have gotten to buy gas there and might still be wandering around the Pittsburgh area looking for a gas station!

MARTA Bus in the Way

2009-07-20T21:12:00.003-04:00

Today I was on Lenox Road in Atlanta, heading toward Piedmont. I got in the turn lane to turn onto Lindbergh to head for Emory. I teach every summer in the med school where the doctoral students in physical therapy learn interpersonal communications from me. I was in the turn lane with another car and a MARTA bus in front of me. Anyone who lives in Atlanta knows that this is a busy intersection.

The arrow came for turning and the MARTA bus turned left. Usually five or six cars turn left there before the arrow is gone. The car right behind the bus turned as did I. The MARTA bus stopped dead in front of the Chevron station on the corner, leaving me and the car in front of me stuck in the middle of the street, blocking traffic. I guess the bus let someone out, but it seemed to take forever, and then started moving just as the turning arrow turned yellow. I just barely made it through the light.

As I drove behind the car and the bus on Lindbergh, I saw the MARTA bus stop (the real one). It's about a city's block length from the intersection, which would be a safe place for the MARTA bus to stop. If the MARTA bus had stopped at the designated place, all five or six cars could have safely made the turn before waiting behind the stopped bus.

I was so irritated by being stuck in the intersection, in danger of being hit by an oncoming car as well as in danger from potential Atlanta road rage from other drivers because I was blocking the intersection.

I picked up my cell and used Google411 to call MARTA's customer service.

I explained to the customer service agent that the MARTA bus had stopped at a non-bus stop, blocking traffic in the intersection. She asked the route number. I didn't have that because I was behind the bus, but I did have the number on the back of the bus (2964). And I could describe the exact direction the bus was going.

I told her that the incident made me feel very unsafe and that I didn't think it was OK for the bus to stop where there wasn't an official MARTA stop. The bus is so big that to stop immediately upon making the left turn is a guarantee to strand the cars behind it.

I also told her that I am a MARTA fan, take it to the airport every time I fly, and take my grandson on the buses and the trains for fun Friday mornings. I wanted her to know that generally I support MARTA.

I don't know if my being assertive in this instance was of any help. My hope would be that the MARTA driver would be called to task for making an unofficial stop and causing traffic problems. I don't want anyone else to find themselves in my situation this morning.

I also have to report that the MARTA customer service rep called me back about 20 minutes later to make sure she had all of the details right.

That impressed me.

Michelle and Merced: An Assertiveness Triumph

2009-05-17T19:25:00.006-04:00

The students of the University of California at Merced wanted to invite Michelle Obama to speak at their graduation. It seemed difficult - this was their first graduation and there were only 500 graduates at this start-up university. They were undaunted and decided to speak up for themselves to reach their goal.

One of their most effective ways to speak up was to create a You-Tube video:

They set up a Facebook page for their "Dear Michelle" campaign and created a template for the letter they hoped the students would write to request that our First Lady speak to their graduation. Here's an example of one of the letters.

The key throughout the effort to speak up and ask Michelle Obama to be the commencement speaker was the use of RESPECT. You'll notice in the sample letter linked in the previous paragraph, that respect for her time and schedule is noted as the request is made.

Respect is the key to effective assertiveness. In this effort, however, respect was only one component. The students persevered with letter writing, Valentines, and video media to emphasize both their request and the importance of getting their wish granted.

They succeeded in their great effort to speak up for themselves and on May 16, Michelle Obama spoke at their graduation!

When Speaking up for Yourself is Not Worth It

2009-05-12T23:48:00.003-04:00

Monday I was sitting in the dentist's chair to have a crown done on one of my very back teeth. This is not my idea of a favorite way to spend a morning, but nevertheless, here I am.

The dentist has a new assistant. She introduces herself to me and then proceeds to help the dentist work on my tooth. In the process she has to move behind the dental chair in which I sit over and over. Every time she moves behind me, she brushes into my head and I can feel my hair being pushed into a new and unkempt position.

She never says anything....no "I'm so sorry," no "Oh, did I bump into you. Sorry," no "I'm sure it doesn't feel good for me to keep bumping you. The space is narrow, but I'll try not to hit you the next time I go between the chair and the XXX."

Part of the process even included making a mold of my back tooth using bright blue molding material. After long amounts of numbing, drilling and making a mold of my tooth, the passing back and forth behind my chair was done, but the assistant and I were not finished.

Her next job was to put the temporary crown in place. To do this she used a long instrument to poke around on the tooth. The instrument had a poking part on either end so as she was poking into my back tooth, the other end was jabbing my nostril. I couldn't say anything (cotton all packed in my mouth, numb tongue) so I wiggled around and got my own nose out of the way. She said not a word.

You may be thinking, surely this is the end of the story, but, no. As she is finishing up, she suddenly notices my lip and says as she rubs vigorously on it with a Kleenex, "Oh, there's some molding material on your lip." The molding material was very blue and had been sitting brightly on my lip at least 30 minutes before it caught her eye.

One of my jobs is to teach in the Department of Rehabilitative Medicine at Emory University. I teach the doctoral students in physical therapy how to develop a caring relationship with the patient. I teach them to approach the patient as a person, not the Knee in Room 203.

I don't think this assistant had a course like mine in her training.

I may have to work with her again in three weeks and don't want even worse treatment from her! I'm sure I'll feel like the Crown in Room 2, working with her, whether I speak to the dentist or not. I decided it wasn't worth it on Monday because most of the time my mouth was not functional for speaking, but if she is the assistant when I go back in three weeks, I plan to say something.

The Aggressive Question: Attack without Assertion

2009-04-05T22:11:00.002-04:00

Questions can be used aggressively. Using questions in this way can hamper communication and create bad feelings in a relationship. There are several ways this can happen:

Answering a question with a question
Asking a question when a statement would be clearer and more assertive
Asking a question when you feel judgmental toward the other person

Answering a question with a question can be a way to avoid or push away the questioner. This inhibits a working relationship.

Suppose someone says, "What is your plan for starting the new project we're supposed to work on together?"
If you respond, "Why are you in such a hurry to start?" you have responded in a mildly aggressive way. Instead of giving the questioner a plan of action, you are pushing away the request and implying that they are in error for asking you.

Asking a question when a statement would be clearer and more assertive is another way to avoid connection in a relationship.

Your husband says, "When do you think you'll be ready to go to the restaurant?" with a stressed tone in his voice
Although you may say, "I'll be ready in a few minutes," your response is likely to feel defensive both to you and to him.
If we assume his wish is to go out the door sooner than later, then he would have been clearer and more assertive by saying, "I'm hungry. I'd like to leave for the restaurant before 6 PM." You would not feel attacked and as if you need to defend and he would have clearly stated his wish.

Asking a question when you feel judgmental toward another person is usually not about getting the answer to the question but rather about getting a jab in toward the other person.

What makes you think that doing it that way will work?
Why would you decide to drive on North Street instead of South Street?
Did you think the dog would just train herself?

In working on speaking up for yourself, it's helpful to look at how both you and the people in your life use questions. Recognizing the possible aggressive use of questions can help you to decide for yourself about how to participate in a conversation.

The mildest response to an aggressive use of questioning is to look at the other person and say empathically, "I imagine you want to say something to me about XXX. I could hear it much better if you simply said it rather than asking me a question."

Tips for Assertiveness in a Job Interview

2009-03-12T11:15:00.007-04:00

In these tough economic times many people are experiencing job loss. This morning I read a post on CNN.com about a guy who after losing his job as a mortgage broker, then beat out 300 people to get a job he found on Craigslist. He is now busy and thriving.

In a time of so much unemployment, the job interview has to be an assertive event for the interviewee. Not only do you really need the job, like Josh in the CNN interview, but also you are competing with a lot of other people who equally really need the job.

You therefore MUST be good at having a successful job interview.

Asserting yourself is key to a good job interview. Assertiveness is about having respect for yourself as well as respect for the other person. Respect for yourself means knowing that you are worth hiring enough to make sure that the interviewer knows that as well.

I love listening to politicians. Often an interviewer will ask the politician a question and he/she answers the question in such a way that he/she gets information out that sells her/his platform. In a job interview, your strengths are the platform on which you stand. Assertively inserting this information into the job interview is the essential element in a good job interview.

Here are several ways you can assert your strengths in a job interview:

1. Take with you not only your resume, but a typed list of accomplishments you think you achieved in your last job. This should be a simple list:

Created a new program focused on X
Brought XXXX people into the firm
Timely in accomplishment of tasks

The details of these positive accomplishments can come out in the interview and give you an opportunity to talk about yourself.

Hand this to the interviewer saying assertively, "I made a list of what I achieved in my last job."

2. Bring with you a folder in which you have copies of emails, thank you notes, articles - anything you have to support your list of accomplishments. Note: If you haven't been keeping these type of things, it's a good thing to start doing going forward

3. If a question is one you can answer well, answer it and find a way, as a politician might, to insert something else you'd like the interviewer to know.

Interviewer: "Tell me about your computer skills. Are you familiar with Excel?"

You: "I am quite familiar with Excel and used it everyday in my last job. Your question about Excel reminds me of an Excel project I worked on involving XXXX in which I did XXXXX."

4. Be prepared to assert positive aspects of you into every possible question. And bring with you support for your assertions.

Simplest example:

Interviewer: "We are looking for someone who can write newsletters. I notice on your resume that your last position was an administrative assistant. I'm not sure you have the experience to do this writing job."

You: "Part of what drew me to apply for this job was the opportunity to write newsletters. I often had the opportunity to edit for my boss in my admin post. As a matter of fact, I brought a copy of XXX that I wrote for her when she was too busy to do it herself. In addition, I assumed that you would wonder about my qualifications to write that newsletter so I have written a mock-up of what might be the front page of a newsletter. Here it is."

A more complex example:

Interviewer: "What did you learn as an administrative assistant that would apply to an internal communications post at an environmental engineering firm?" I imagine the interviewer's eyebrows knit together as this question is asked.

Note: This question (and the possible body language with it) pulls for you to be defensive - it's not assertive to be defensive and will put a block between you and the interviewer. Instead you start by making a connection between you and the interviewer and then tailor the question to your advantage.
You: "I can imagine that it seems like a leap to you that I would want this job, but I've always wanted to write. I brought a folder with samples of my writing and in addition to the samples, I also made a mock-up of what might be a front page for a company newsletter here."

Note: The first statement is an empathic assertion - you try to imagine what it's like to be the interviewer and then make an assertive statement: "I've always wanted to write."

The interviewer takes your folder, thinks, "Wow, this person is really eager," reads your material, is impressed and you get the job!

Speaking Up to Doctors and Other Authority Figures

2009-03-04T11:17:00.003-05:00

Speaking up to someone who is supposed to be an authority is often hard for people. Nowhere is this more evident than in the physician's office.

I work with a lot of infertility patients and I often have to walk them through how to ask questions of the doctor. Most patients have a list of questions they need to get answers to. But often in the face of a authority figure, we are worried that we will be "wasting their time." This may lead to unneeded apologies, "I'm sorry to take up your time, but I wanted to ask you....."

In the first place, apologizing and the rest of the above sentence does take up the physician's time. If you simply ask the question, time will be more effectively used.

There's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about this very issue. The Journal article focuses on the patient who is concerned about cleanliness and public health. The patient quoted in the first paragraph, screwed his courage to the sticking place when he heard his doctor sneeze outside his examining room door and asked, "Are you going to wash your hands before you examine me?"

The patient used courage to ask the question. However, he could have made an even more effective comment by making an assertive statement rather than asking a question. If you ask, "Are you going to wash your hands, etc?" in reality you have put the ball in the physician's court. He could say, "No, my hands are clean."

As a matter of fact, later in this same article another patient said to her doctor: "I have to ask you to wash your hands, according to that sign right there." The doctor, who cursorily washed her hands, responded defensively to that request, stating that she washes her hands at least 15 times a day.

Whenever you ask someone to do something, you give them the power to refuse. If you make a statement claiming your own agenda in the statement, it is much more powerful and takes away the sense that the receiver has a choice.

Example #1:
"I'd feel much more comfortable if you would wash your hands before examining me."

In this example, you make your assertiveness about you rather than the physician. This direct assertive statement expresses your concerns without implying wrong-doing on the part of the physician. In other words, you are taking responsibility for your own worry rather than pointing a potentially shaming finger at the doctor.

Example #2:
"I imagine you have had a overwhelming morning with all those patients in the waiting room, but I would feel much more secure about my own health if you would wash your hands before we start my examination."

The above is an empathic assertive statement in which you connect with the physician by recognizing his/her personal stresses in the day (so that he/she feels more understood and thus more connected with you) before you make your assertive statement.

The Wall Street Journal article points to the Joint Hospital Commission's work entitled: "Speak Up" which is focused on patient advocacy. The web page is worth reading if you are in a physician's care or dealing with ongoing illness.

Speaking Up, Macy's and the Economy

2009-02-23T16:50:00.007-05:00

Our famed consumer advocate in Atlanta, Clark Howard, is fond of calling customer service departments "Customer No-Service." However, as the economy declines or at least is in bad shape, I think we may see more and more attentive customer service.

It's a great time to practice speaking up for yourself.

In this endeavor to speak up to customer service, I had a great "rest of the story" experience with Macy's over the weekend.

I like to shop online. I was invited to a bridal shower on Sunday morning. Just as I was getting ready to purchase a present for the bride online, my power went out. A call to the power company confirmed that the outage would not be repaired until after 8 PM.

Well, I didn't want to sit in a dark, computer-less house (I do spend a lot of time on my computer), so I decided to go to Macy's and shop in person. I took the escalator to the linens department since this was a bed and bath shower. I printed out the bride's registry at 5:20 PM.

She had told me that she hoped someone would give her a duvet cover for which she had registered, but she didn't think anyone would because it was too expensive. There it was on list at half price! I was so excited.

I found someone to help, but she couldn't find the item. A second salesperson took me to a quilt, but not the duvet cover. I asked a third person who said, "Oh, we never have the duvet covers in the store. You can only buy them online." She assured me that it would be the same price online.

Discouraged, I left, finished another errand and returned home. The power was back on - it was 6:20 PM. I went online to order the duvet cover. There it was on Macy's.com but the price was only 1/4 off rather than half price.

I called customer service to find out what the deal was and although the webpage said they were available until 9 PM, the phone message said they had closed at 6 PM and wouldn't be available until Monday morning.

By then, I gave up and bought the duvet cover for 1/4 off.

This morning (Monday) I called Macy's customer service expecting little. I explained what had happened to the very friendly customer service agent. I ended by saying, "I don't think it's right to say the half price is available online but to charge 1/4 off instead. Especially when the only place you can buy the duvet is online."

He put me on hold for a long time.

He returned and in a pleasant voice told me that they would change my charge to be reflective of the half price sale and he was very, very sorry about the inconvenience!

My usual experience is that "Customer no-service" puts many obstacles in the way of helping you to get what you want. Macy's.com gave me such a different experience. I'm glad I called because even two days after the transaction they were willing to give me the credit.

Assertiveness and Open-Mindedness

2009-02-08T07:12:00.010-05:00

"My way or the highway." Everyone has heard someone say that. Just like Gottman's principle of stonewalling, this approach does not promote either good relationships or good communication.

In a respectful assertive relationship, a basic aspect of the approach is to stay open to possibilities. If you respect the other person, then by definition, you respect how he/she thinks. In a discussion, if your approach is "my way or the highway," then you are not staying open to other ways of thinking.

Power struggles never end well. Generally the "my way" approach is the first sign of a power struggle. If you can only see one way to do something or to address a problem, then you are on your way to a stand-off rather than a good assertive outcome.

In the current movie, "Slumdog Millionaire," the young boy wants to get the autograph of a famous actor who is in India. His "friend" locks him in the outhouse so that he can't get out to get the autograph. The boy in the outhouse can choose to see it only one way - in which case he is stuck in the outhouse without a hope to get the autograph, or to be open to possibilities.

The possibility he thinks up is to get out of the latrine by dropping into the gross accumulation below the latrine. Since the latrine is positioned up on a platform, this gives him a way out. So, covered with latrine slime, he runs up to the star and does get the autograph - both because he smells and looks so disgusting that the way parts for him to get close to the star and because he thought literally outside the box in order to assert himself!

I often think of the child's story by Leo Lionni called Little Blue and Little Yellow. In the story two colors go out to play: blue and yellow. As they play together, they blend who they are and become (you guessed it!) GREEN! In other words, they created something completely different by putting the best of themselves together.

Now whenever I feel stuck in trying to work something out assertively with someone else, I try to listen to what they are saying to see what ideas they are contributing to blend with mine so that we can create our own version of GREEN.

{Note: "Slumdog Millionaire" is full of examples of the assertiveness of the main character - and is a fabulous movie, aside from the assertiveness throughout!}

The Weight of Your Words: Empowerment through Voice Tone

2009-01-29T23:24:00.006-05:00

Speaking assertively is an art. Essential to that art is the use of voice tone.

I tell my students that your voice, in an assertive statement, should end with your tone going down at the end of your sentence. If you do not, then you will sound uncertain, less powerful, questioning your own stand.

A political year is a great time to observe this. I'm including in this post two videos - one of former President Bush and the second of President Obama. Both men are in press conferences dealing with difficult subjects. Listen to their voice tone through the taped conference.

Former President Bush was an interesting figure to listen to because he presented himself quite differently in voice tone in speeches than he did in press conferences. He had practiced speeches and had been coached. In speeches he generally sounded more confident. Why? Because in a speech he had practiced bringing his voice down at the end of the sentence.

He is asked hard questions in this press conference, which I believe took place in April 2007. Without the safety net of the practiced speech, you'll notice that his voice goes up at the end of the sentence. This makes him sound less sure of himself, somewhat defensive and does not make his audience feel confident in what he is saying.

He says things that should sound solid and confidential and instead his voice rises at the end of his sentences. In talking about the Iraq war, listen for him to say "We're going to succeed." with his voice going up as he says it. Then a few sentences later, voice rising again, he says, "I'm going to develop a plan that will help us achieve our objectives." But with that rise at the end, why should anyone believe that he believes he can do so. And so his approval ratings would decrease.

The press conference with President Obama took place in April 2008 when he had to disconnect with Reverend Wright. Obama is a polished speaker and speaks in general in a measured way. His voice often ends sentences down in a firm place. In this press conference at the beginning, his voice rises at the end of sentences. I imagine he was feeling a little defensive and less sure.

Suddenly he regains his voice and says, "...they certainly don't portray accurately my values and beliefs." With that phrase he asserts himself and his voice marches solidly down. This self confidence remains evident through the rest of the press conference.

Listening to the news media is another way to observe the power of voice tone. Most of our TV reporters have been trained to do this and as you listen observantly, you'll notice that they bring their voices down at the end of sentences.

While public figures give us ample opportunity for observation of voice tone, where it counts for each of us is in being aware of how we each employ the empowerment of our voice tone.

When you let your voice go up at the end of the sentence, you sound uncertain. If a person frequently ends on an up note, that person may be characterized as "whiny." A tiny child whines because he/she doesn't believe he/she can get what they want. By the same token a grownup who doesn't believe he/she can get what he/she wants, will sound whiny if their voice goes up at the end.

Get someone to listen when you are under pressure and give you feedback about your use of voice tone.

Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as Communication Barriers

2009-01-19T23:05:00.004-05:00

In speaking up for yourself, the key element as I have frequently mentioned is RESPECT. If the communication between people is lacking respect, then the assertive connection will not happen.

John Gottman in Seattle, WA, has done extensive research on couples' relationships and has determined that there are four very destructive elements that can wreak havoc in a relationship. These he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, in a Biblical reference. In the Bible the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are the precursors of destruction to come. In a relationship, Gottman says his four horsemen also are precursors of relationship destruction to come.

The Four Horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Because each of these "horsemen" are ways to react to your partner without respect either for yourself or the other person, they also apply to being assertive.

When you criticize the other person, you attack the other person's character, usually with the goal of pointing out how the other person is wrong in some way. This is usually experienced as demeaning and disrespectful.

When you use contempt, the word by definition means that you are looking down on the other person. If you are employing such disregard for the other person, you are not acting out of respect. Respect requires that you assume that the other person is worth knowing, and if you remove the respect and look down on the other person, the assertive connection is lost.

When you are defensive, the communication is broken because you are focused on convincing the other person that you are too right or that you did NOT make a bad decision, etc. When you move into defensiveness, you in effect erect a wall between yourself and the other person, disrupting the possibility of connection. In essence, the defensive person pulls for the other person to take care of him/her, disregarding the issue at hand.

When you are stonewalling, you are not open to any other view than your own. Again, this is not respectful because you are not allowing the possibility that the other person may have something to contribute that is of value. Usually stonewalling includes withdrawing from the relationship in a passive pull to get the other person to come over to your way of thinking. Stonewalling may also be used to avoid conflict.

Note: these four horsemen may be present nonverbally as well as verbally.

Criticism can be demonstrated non-verbally by shaking one's head "No" as the other person is speaking.
A prime demonstration of contempt is to roll one's eyes. Eye rolling implies that you have disdain for the other person.
Defensiveness can be read non-verbally if a person looks as if he/she is backing away or mentally warding off a blow
Stonewalling can occur non-verbally by leaving the room, refusing to speak to the other person, or muttering under your breath.

So in order to have an effective assertive connection, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as described by Gottman, cannot be present, either in how you act or what you say.

A List of the Qualities of an Effective Assertive Statement

2009-01-10T07:51:00.008-05:00

The January 2009 issue of Real Simple is devoted to lists. I imagine they chose this as a nod to the many life-changing types of lists people make in January - New Year's Resolutions, to-do lists, etc.

I feel compelled to join in the theme with my list of the qualities of an effective assertive statement. If you think you've said something assertively, it should have these aspects:

The statement should convey respect for yourself as well as respect for the person to whom you are speaking.
The statement should be simple:

Example: "I want this to happen...." or "I don't want to do ......" If you add too many details, you lose impact.
The statement should not be blaming.

Example: "You made me feel XXX," is not an effective assertive statement because it blames the other person. "When XXXX behavior happened, I felt upset," is effectively assertive because it describes problematic behavior paired with your own personal feelings and therefore does not point fingers.
An effective assertive statement invites the other person to connect with you to work on the issue. An assertive statement is not designed to push the other person away.
An effective assertive statement is fact-based. This by definition usually precludes the use of absolutes in an assertive statement such as "You always...." or "You never...."

Example: "You always leave your coffee cup on the desk for me to pick up," is both blaming and absolute. A fact-based statement is: "When you leave your coffee cup on the desk, I feel angry."

Happy New Year!

Water break

2009-01-04T14:15:00.007-05:00

I own a house in North Georgia and went there over Christmas. The temperatures were low - about 27 degrees - and when we woke on the Monday before Christmas, we found that a water pipe out in the yard had burst. The scene was a frozen spray - looked lovely but represented a lot of wasted water.

My neighbor recognized the problem before I did and called the homeowner's association. They were anxious to determine if the problem were on my side of the meter or on the neighborhood side of the meter. Naturally they determined that the problem was mine.

My homeowner's association up there consists mostly of retired traditional couples. By traditional I mean that the man is the bread winner and the woman generally has had a less significant job, if she has worked outside the home. This is certainly true of the president of the homeowner's association.

Every time something has gone wrong on the mountain, all of the male homeowners confer, but I am not included. When the water pipe broke, long before I was contacted, several of the men had already decided what was to be done.

They called the plumber that the neighborhood association had used for some other events. The president of the homeowner's association who lives in south Georgia, called to inform me of this and to tell me that he and the other guys had decided that the problem was in my part of the pipe.

Oh, and by the way, he had already arranged for this plumber to come fix my pipe the next day and he hoped it would be OK with me. He actually said, "He can't come today because he's out on the golf course, (Ha Ha) - really he's fixing a broken pipe on a golf course." He encouraged me to figure out how to manage without water for the night.

At this point it was 3 PM and I had my family with me at the house, including a 2 year old. We didn't especially want to do without water for the night to accommodate a golf course and the wishes of the homeowner's association to line the pockets of the plumber they liked.

I've had a number of plumbing issues at my house and have a relationship established with a different plumber in the county. At 3:05, I called the plumber that I use and asked if anyone were available to do this repair. Here's what I said:

"We have a break in the water line at my house. The home owner's association has made arrangements with someone named D.S. to come in the morning, but I have a small grandson up here and wondered, given that I've had a long standing relationship with your company, if you could get someone up here to fix the pipe before nighttime. I'd really appreciate it."

The woman I spoke to remembered me and said, "One of our crews is coming in the door right now. I'll send them right up to your house."

The plumber was there within 30 minutes and the pipe was repaired by dark.

I talked to the president of the homeowner's association and told him I had gotten my own plumber who could come that night. He offered to cancel the one he was sending the next morning - fine by me.

Although I obviously feel some resentment that the men homeowners never include me in the decisions and talk to me as if they are patting me on the head, they have been of great help to me. If they notice a shingle has blown off the roof, they call me; if there's a storm on the mountain and a tree falls on my property, they call me. Most of the homeowners on the mountain don't live there full time, so their vigilance about my house is quite helpful to me. I am grateful for their help, and I did not in any way in this assertive interaction, say anything to damage my relationship with any of them.

In addition, I was respectful to the plumbing company that I did call. I really appreciated their getting right up to my house and while the men were working on the repair, I took hot chocolate out to them in the 27 degree weather.

As my son-in-law would say, "Everybody wins."

And at the end of an effective assertive interaction, that is how everyone should feel.

Silence Never Makes Me Feel Better

2008-12-28T15:20:00.009-05:00

When I feel disappointed, I try to express it assertively, if it's worth it to me to do so. If I don't make the effort to say something, I usually run the event or problem over and over in my head and don't feel resolved.

Sometimes writing letters or in today's world, a thoughtful email, helps me put an issue to bed.

For Christmas for the past few years, I've given my nephews and nieces (all of whom have most of what they might want in the way of material things) donations to the Heifer project. I'm a beekeeper myself, so I usually give a hive of bees in each of their names as donations to the Heifer Project.

The Heifer Project page announces that you can notify the people in whose names you made donations via a printed out donation card that you send to them via US Mail or by E Card. In the past, I've always printed out the actual card and sent it to my relatives whom I was honoring. This year I thought, "Why not save a tree and keep the gas pollution down and send the E Card?"

On the Heifer Project page, the donor gets to pick the E Card that represents what you are donating: flocks of chickens, flocks of ducks, a sheep, beehives, etc. I donated the amount for six beehives and chose the beekeeper examining a frame of honey as the picture for my E Card.

Finishing up the process meant entering each relative's email and making a personal gift message. To each, I said that I was donating in their name and hoped they had a Merry Christmas, but on only a couple did I mention that I was donating bees since I thought the picture on the card spoke for itself.

I got an email thank you from my niece, Rachel, and scrolled down and clicked on the Heifer project link to see what the card looked like that she got. To my shock, there was the card, but no picture. Now I realize there's some remote possibility that my computer didn't allow the picture to show but I was greatly disappointed.

I went onto the Heifer Project site, found "contact us," went through the FAQs and didn't find this problem addressed. So I wrote the following to customer service:

For Christmas, I sent donations of beehives in honor of six of my nephews and nieces. They received E Cards, but there was no picture of the beekeeper on the card and the card did not in any other way indicate that I had given hives of bees because I assumed they would see the bees in the picture.

I am a beekeeper so it means a lot to me to donate beehives. I am very disappointed because I wanted them to know I had spent the money for bees and not just made a general donation.

If your E Cards are not sent in the way they are represented on the site (with an included picture of the bees), then I don’t think you should offer them.

If I donate next year, I will not use an E Card and will instead waste trees printing the print-out cards that you also make available.

In Disappointment,

Linda Tillman

I don't know if I'll get a response, but simply writing this email made me feel better.

Romantic Assertiveness

2008-12-15T00:58:00.004-05:00

At Thanksgiving my youngest daughter flew to Charlottesville, Va. From Atlanta that means that you fly to Charlotte, NC and get on a smaller plane (about a 40 seater) to go the rest of the way. As the small plane approached Charlottesville, a military man took the microphone that the staff uses.

He said, "I need 12 people on this plane to help me ask my girlfriend to marry me! Raise your hand if you are willing to help me."

This assertive request was met with 12 volunteers, including my daughter.

The man had 12 roses and he wanted each of the volunteers to carry a rose out to hand to his soon-to-be-fiance. He would come after the roses had been delivered and propose to her.

My daughter and another girl were the first two and had to determine who this right girl was. The man showed them a picture of her and told them her name.

They studied the crowd as they got off of the plane and decided that they knew who the girl was. They walked up to her. "Are you XXX?" they asked. When she said, "Yes," they each handed her a rose.

One after another the people exited the plane and each handed a rose to this astonished girl. Most of rose-deliverers hung around to see the end of the story. Finally after all the roses had been delivered, the military man came off of the plane, dropped to his knee and asked her to marry him.

I asked my daughter if the girl said yes. "Mother!" she said, "Of course she did."

Compliments and Assertiveness

2008-12-09T22:53:00.003-05:00

Giving someone a compliment is an assertive act. When you say something positive to someone else , you are taking a risk by asserting your opinion. You may be met with any number of responses.

The recipient of your compliment may blow you off.

You say: "I love the way you wrote that letter."
Response: "Oh, anybody would have said the same thing."

The recipient of your compliment may react negatively

You say: "That briefcase really makes you look like the professional you are."
Response: "My stepfather gave it to me so I feel like I HAVE to carry it around."

The recipient of your compliment may react in an unexpected way

You say: "I was so impressed with the stand you took in that planning meeting."
Response: The recipient bursts into tears, "Yes, but did you see how Mr. X looked at me - I know I'm going to get called on the carpet."

So as you can see, it is an assertive act to give a compliment because although nothing is required of the other person in the way of a response, there are many ways in which someone can respond.

On your part, work on the assertive challenge of receiving compliments well. An assertive way to receive a compliment is simply to say, "Thank you." Fight any effort to throw away the compliment, negate the compliment or react in any other way than a simple thank you.

If you can achieve this, you will have taken a step in the direction of good assertiveness!

Buzzing Around a Bee Problem

2008-07-14T23:34:00.007-04:00

For the past two years I have chaired a committee for the Metro Atlanta Beekeepers Association that provides "Goody Bags" for the short course we offer in beginning beekeeping every January. I requested a donation of items for the bags from the National Honey Board last fall. They gladly complied and sent me items donated for the bags.......

and have continually billed me for the items on a regular basis ever since. Each time I get a bill, I call and get it supposedly straightened out. Today I received a bill with a large red notice that said:
Final Notice Before Credit Bureau is Notified.

In assertiveness, the general policy to is to start with basic assertive statements, increasing the intensity as needed. Originally I called and said, "I'm confused. I requested that you donate these items to my club. Your representative acknowledged that this is something the National Honey Board is glad to do to support new beekeepers. To my surprise, I have received a bill for the donated items. I don't want to pay for items you donated to us."

That phone call included basic assertive statements:
"I requested that you donate.....
"I received a bill for the donated items.....
" I don't want to pay for the items.....

The second time I received a bill, a firmer assertive statement was warranted. In that phone call, I said, "We wouldn't request items from you for the goody bag, if we expected to be billed. We are promoting your organization by putting these items in our Goody Bag. I don't think I should be charged for your donation to promote your organization."

(Although this isn't exactly an escalating assertion, it does state rather directly that we would not ask them for items which we would have to purchase.) An escalating assertion has a consequence in it. This is mildly escalating because there is an implied consequence...no more support for their organization from our bee club, or at least from me as a Director on the board of the bee club.

Now not only is this the third time I have been billed, but the bill from the National Honey Board included a threat. Most situations escalate in a balanced way. The National Honey Board has threatened me, so I will respond at the same level by including in my letter an escalating assertion as well as a confrontive assertion.

I wrote the following letter which I will fax to the National Honey Board tomorrow:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
National Honey Board
11409 Business Park Cir
Suite 210
Firestone, CO 80504

July 14, 2008

Re: Invoice XXXXX

To Whom it May Concern:

I am a member of the Board of Directors of the Metro Atlanta Beekeepers Association in Atlanta, GA. Each year we hold a short course for upcoming beekeepers and each year we give the attendants at that short course a “goody bag” full of beekeeping items. Every year we request a donation from the National Honey Board of pamphlets appropriate for the Goody Bag.

I was chair of the Goody Bag project for 2007-2008. I called the National Honey Board in the fall of 2007, requesting that you donate something for the Goody Bag. The person to whom I spoke said that the National Honey Board regularly does this for clubs and would gladly send me some items. She asked how many I would need and I requested 65 items of whatever you chose to donate.

I received the items in December 2007. Since then I have received three bills for the items you supposedly “donated” to our short course. When each of the first two bills arrived, I called the National Honey Board and explained that you had donated the items. Each time I was assured that I didn’t need to worry about or pay the bill and that you would make sure that I was not billed again.

Today I arrived at home to find a bill stamped: Final Notice Before Credit Bureau Is Notified.

I feel deep regret that I ever called you to request your help with our short course. You told me yourself that you donated items to clubs for the purpose of short courses and would be glad to donate the items to me. Now you are threatening to report me to the credit bureau for not paying a bill that I do not owe.

If I am the chair of the Goody Bag committee again (I’ve done it for the past two years), I will not ever again request anything from your organization and I will not be speaking kindly of your group going forward.

Please CANCEL THIS BILL and do not even think of reporting me to the Credit Bureau. And since I keep receiving bills despite your continued verbal agreement that I do not owe the money, I would like a written letter to acknowledge that I do not owe this money.

Linda D Tillman, PhD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A confrontive assertion is one in which an agreement was made and the other party has broken the agreement. In this type of assertion, you state what the agreement was, how it was broken and what will be the consequence of the breaking of the agreement. You can find all of those in the letter.

I want the situation to end, so I requested a written response to my letter since speaking to them and receiving verbal reassurance does not work. Also if they do in fact report me to the Credit Bureaus for this $18.75 bill (!) I will have something to submit to the Credit Bureau to rebut their claim.

Father's Day Fiasco

2008-07-10T14:09:00.003-04:00

My father who is 87 is a man who has everything he wants, so when holidays like Father's Day come around, it's hard to find something that he will enjoy. He does love chocolate, though, so this year I decided to give him Chocolate of the Month through a company called C&H Clubs.

A couple of holiday seasons ago, I gave a monthly beer subscription to my son-in-law and he really enjoyed it, so I thought chocolate might bring the same enjoyment to my dad.

I went on the website and purchased the subscription, indicating that I wanted a notification email sent to Daddy on the day before Father's Day.

Here's what happened:

No email arrived, so when Father's Day came, luckily I called to wish him a happy day, and found out in the phone call that he had had no notification. Instead the email arrived on Monday, June 16, the day after Father's Day.
The email read, and I quote: "Happy Father Dr. Clifford" While I do hope he is a happy father, it should have read, "Happy Father's Day." And if they had used his name, it should have read "Dr. Tillman."
OK, so that's not too big a deal, but then I received notification via email that the chocolate had been shipped. Mother and Daddy did not receive it on the day Fed Ex said they had delivered it.
My parents live on acreage that is sort of below a neighborhood. Their street address is on the street, so while they have a next door neighbor, his house is next to their driveway, but their house is about 100 yards away from the street. The day after the Fed Ex delivery, their neighbor walked down to bring them the chocolate which was for my father. The neighbor, thinking the package was for him (?), opened the chocolate and ate a few pieces.

So for Father's Day, my father received his gift late, opened, and partially eaten. He was not notified about his gift until the day after Father's Day, and the note was written in such a way that I suspected the company of outsourcing their gift notification to a non-English speaking company.

I sat with this for a while, but decided to call The Gourmet Chocolate of the Month Club to complain. The man I spoke to felt really bad about all of this. He put me on hold to see what he could find out. While he was away from the phone, I decided that I would be happy if he would extend Daddy's subscription for a month so that he could have his full subscription of unopened chocolates delivered to him.

I was all ready to be assertive and ask for a month's subscription when the customer service rep, Sheldon, returned to the phone. He acknowledged that they didn't keep their outgoing emails long enough to be able to look at the faulty email and sending date, but he apologized for that and said that he would like to offer to extend Daddy's subscription for one month beyond the end date to make up for the faulty partially eaten June delivery!

Mission accomplished!